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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

I’m the main earner and suffering at the hands of his emotional abuse and aggression

32 replies

Eskimalita · 06/07/2024 00:01

I have been stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship for too long. Married 15 years. 3 kids.
I am the main earner by far and I do all the mental load / family admin etc etc I put down the deposit for our house and I pay the mortgage / school fees etc.

my husband can’t do any admin due to poor focus (severe ADHD) and poor skills (left school at 14, not able to pick things up quickly). He can’t really work a computer or follow steps in a banking app.
The things he does are: work a zero hours contact (he works very hard for minimum wage but work is patchy), driving kids to football and some basic housework when he’s not got any work.

any disposable income left at the end of the month is shared for whoever needs it. It’s got to the stage where I don’t leave the house as I’m so busy. I have a demanding job that I love and it pays for our lifestyle. I have all the family and household admin. I help kids with homework, I cook etc. some weeks I go to bed at midnight every night and get up at 6am. My social life is no longer a priority. Whereas he has lots of free time as he can’t do any of the admin or homework help. He goes out and happily spends money. Nothing left for me to spend but that doesn’t matter as I have no life anyway.

He’s popular with everyone. People just think I’m moody and stressed. To make it worse I struggle to find the energy to interact after I put everything into my job and workload at home.

nobody knows the emotional abuse at home. We have an external image he’s obsessed with maintaining. It includes pretending we both earn a good wage, that he’s relaxed and helpful and that he knows what’s going on (someone asked him about fixed rate mortgages the other day…. He didn’t have a clue, but he did try to muddle through)

if he leaves I am worried he will meet someone new (he’s good looking and charismatic) who will encourage him to take me for half of everything. I just want our house to go to the kids.
If he leaves he would need to rent a room and there’d be nothing left after buying food and paying bills. I don’t want anything from him - I am financially stable (albeit I have to work hard and budget hard).. He doesn’t want any official arrangement for the kids. He thinks I should just cope alone and he has the right to come to see them when convenient for him.
what can I do? What’s he entitled to?

OP posts:
HolyStyleFailBatman · 06/07/2024 00:10

I would say get legal advice and take your time before to make sure you are on a solid footing before making your move.

Bumping for others with more experience than me to advise you.

He sounds dreadful to live with 💐

StormingNorman · 06/07/2024 00:15

What an arse! Could you afford to buy him out of the house?

You’ll be much better off with it being just you and the kids.

MumChp · 06/07/2024 00:19

Legal advice. Try to sort your stuff and secure what you can.

After that. Leave him. Don't look back.

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 06/07/2024 00:46

Get legal advice. However, if he is saying he won't be having the kids, I would imagine the court would agree that you should get a good portion of the assets as they will be living with you. The bigger issue is if he says he wants 50/50 custody and therefore at least half of the assets while claiming he has been doing all th4 childcare and home stuff to.support your career.

The adhd thing is bollocks. Does he do anything to manage it? Take meds?

RogueFemale · 06/07/2024 01:04

Another vote for legal advice.

Scarletttulips · 06/07/2024 01:09

Well I doubt he’d be able to afford a property on his own, as he has no stable work - giving him a chunk of money would mean he wouldn’t be entitled to any benefits which he would have to claim being on a 0 hour contract.

If you gave him 20% it would be wasted.

Have you asked him what he wants?

Dreamlifeyears · 06/07/2024 01:30

He doesn’t want any official arrangement for the kids. He thinks I should just cope alone and he has the right to come to see them when convenient for him.

My ex said the same to me despite me pleading with him to agree child arrangements as our marriage was ending and looked like the separation was happening. I thought that was such an odd reaction. Sorry I don't have any wise words but it's shocking how many people have to put up with very similar shit.

OceanStorm · 06/07/2024 02:02

Don't put up with it. He contributes or he leaves. There will be no difference to you if he leaves anyway

Oreoqueen87 · 06/07/2024 03:44

Op bear in mind he could leave you in say 8 years time, you (and you alone) will have paid off even more of the house and would have to hand half that to him. A chances like this doesn’t need a new woman to convince him to do it - he’s knows full well what’s he’s doing and how unfair it is.

the sooner you get out, the sooner you can start stashing money aside for your kids future without having to subsidise him.

Also I have been diagnosed with severe ADHD and hold down a high paying job as well as pulling my weight at home. It means you have to work harder, that’s all.

LemonTT · 06/07/2024 09:58

He is entitled to a share of all the joint assets. He is entitled to have a relationship with his children. He hasn’t said he won’t have them with him, he’s just asked for something that you don’t agree with. I expect he will change his tune.

Unless he has no friends and family you aren’t going to get away with offering 20% and telling him to get a room to live in.

As a low earner his share could be more than yours. If he has the children living with him his housing needs will be equal. He is entitled to half your pension.

There is nothing in your post that suggests he is abusive. Your financial offer does sound like you are taking advantage of his condition. I appreciate you may be frustrated with him and his condition but just leave him and be fair. I doubt you will get away with your approach. Someone will tell him what he is entitled to and then you will have a bigger battle.

Wintersgirl · 06/07/2024 10:05

There is nothing in your post that suggests he is abusive.

Really?? You missed this bit

Nobody knows the emotional abuse at home.

Tatiepot · 06/07/2024 10:08

All of his behaviour is abusive!

Eskimal · 06/07/2024 13:15

LemonTT · 06/07/2024 09:58

He is entitled to a share of all the joint assets. He is entitled to have a relationship with his children. He hasn’t said he won’t have them with him, he’s just asked for something that you don’t agree with. I expect he will change his tune.

Unless he has no friends and family you aren’t going to get away with offering 20% and telling him to get a room to live in.

As a low earner his share could be more than yours. If he has the children living with him his housing needs will be equal. He is entitled to half your pension.

There is nothing in your post that suggests he is abusive. Your financial offer does sound like you are taking advantage of his condition. I appreciate you may be frustrated with him and his condition but just leave him and be fair. I doubt you will get away with your approach. Someone will tell him what he is entitled to and then you will have a bigger battle.

I want to ensure everything I’ve worked so hard for ultimately goes to our children. If he gets 50% of the house he will fritter it away or if he just manages to buy something his new GF will end up getting her share. I only care about our kids and what they’ll need for a deposit on a house in the future.
He has had just as much opportunity to work as I have had. Childcare is available all week.
He hasn’t bothered to research and plan anything like I have to save and build a future and invest. I had a large deposit for our house because I worked hard for it before we met.

Eskimal · 06/07/2024 13:16

And I’m not denying him any relationship with the kids. He just wants one where he turns up as suits him ad hoc. It means I’m unable to plan anything to progress with my life. Our youngest is 6.

LemonTT · 06/07/2024 16:04

Eskimal · 06/07/2024 13:15

I want to ensure everything I’ve worked so hard for ultimately goes to our children. If he gets 50% of the house he will fritter it away or if he just manages to buy something his new GF will end up getting her share. I only care about our kids and what they’ll need for a deposit on a house in the future.
He has had just as much opportunity to work as I have had. Childcare is available all week.
He hasn’t bothered to research and plan anything like I have to save and build a future and invest. I had a large deposit for our house because I worked hard for it before we met.

Show quote history

Legally it’s not all yours to give to your children. And not giving him his fair share is abusive if you are taking advantage of his condition.

LemonTT · 06/07/2024 16:06

Wintersgirl · 06/07/2024 10:05

There is nothing in your post that suggests he is abusive.

Really?? You missed this bit

Nobody knows the emotional abuse at home.

That’s an allegation not an example. And it comes from someone who is refusing to give her husband access to family money and is able to do that because he is ND.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 06/07/2024 16:19

You need legal advice but I would guess that he would get 50% of all marital assets - equity, savings and pension. You can’t earmark your financial assets for the kids as he needs money to set up a new home and life. This has nothing to do with new girlfriends etc - if he blows through the money going on holidays etc , that is his right.

Like a pp I am confused about the emotional abuse- is he refusing to work or do you accept that he can’t work much because of his ADHD?

Yanbu to say that he can’t have child contact at his convenience. He needs to commit to something - even once a month so that you can plan other stuff like school parties and time with your side of the family.

millymollymoomoo · 06/07/2024 16:31

LemonTT is correct

in the scenario you outline in op he stands to walk away with at least half of all assets inc your pension.

your offer and expectation is derisory

millymollymoomoo · 06/07/2024 16:32

You asked what he’s entitled to.

the legal answer is a fair share of all assets. Fair in this situation could mean a higher % than you

WallaceinAnderland · 06/07/2024 16:41

He is entitled to his fair share so there's no getting around that.

However, you have the rest of your life to live and can chose now to make that a happy life.

Mrsttcno1 · 06/07/2024 16:49

millymollymoomoo · 06/07/2024 16:32

You asked what he’s entitled to.

the legal answer is a fair share of all assets. Fair in this situation could mean a higher % than you

This is true OP, he’s entitled to 50% of all assets including the house and your pension. As he is the lower earner and less able to fund living alone he is likely to get more than 50% of assets to enable him to set up alone.

Mummacake · 06/07/2024 16:52

Agree with pp on getting good legal advice. That he doesn't actively seek work is a problem and no wonder you're stressed. Be careful that he doesn't all of a sudden become super dad and say he's staying at home as primary carer, then go for the house. I've been where you are and it's a horrible place. The sooner you're free, the better life you will have.

adviceneeded1990 · 06/07/2024 17:04

Is the house jointly owned despite you paying deposit and the mortgage? I’d definitely seek legal advice and I’m going to go against the grain here and say I don’t think him contributing less than 50% but walking away with 50% is in any way fair. It’s not like he’s been a SAHD and done the childcare/housework/life admin to allow you to work. It doesn’t seem to have been a martial decision for him not to hold down a permanent job etc either. Make sure you make it clear to your solicitor that you paid the house deposit - you’ll get that back before any profit is split. I’d fight not to share my pension too, he doesn’t deserve 50% of what you’ve worked for. Not sure of your exact legal position but I’d say it’s shit hot lawyer time.

Mrsttcno1 · 06/07/2024 17:12

adviceneeded1990 · 06/07/2024 17:04

Is the house jointly owned despite you paying deposit and the mortgage? I’d definitely seek legal advice and I’m going to go against the grain here and say I don’t think him contributing less than 50% but walking away with 50% is in any way fair. It’s not like he’s been a SAHD and done the childcare/housework/life admin to allow you to work. It doesn’t seem to have been a martial decision for him not to hold down a permanent job etc either. Make sure you make it clear to your solicitor that you paid the house deposit - you’ll get that back before any profit is split. I’d fight not to share my pension too, he doesn’t deserve 50% of what you’ve worked for. Not sure of your exact legal position but I’d say it’s shit hot lawyer time.

This is incorrect advice. As they are married it doesn’t matter who paid the mortgage or the deposit. It is also incorrect that OP will get her deposit back before the money is split, the ONLY way that would happen is if at the point of purchase a legal document was signed and agreed stating exactly that, it’s called ringfencing your deposit, but honestly even if that had been done once you are married even that probably wouldn’t have been enough to protect the deposit amount.

I don’t think anybody is saying its fair that he contributes less but walks away with more, what people are saying is that LEGALLY that is the case.

GrumpyPanda · 06/07/2024 17:32

Sounds like a horrible situation but the longer it goes on the greater the eventual cost to you.
Make sure your role as primary carer is well documented to ensure he can't pretend it's him.

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