I’m the main earner and suffering at the hands of his emotional abuse and aggression

[Eskimalita]

I have been stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship for too long. Married 15 years. 3 kids.
I am the main earner by far and I do all the mental load / family admin etc etc I put down the deposit for our house and I pay the mortgage / school fees etc.

my husband can’t do any admin due to poor focus (severe ADHD) and poor skills (left school at 14, not able to pick things up quickly). He can’t really work a computer or follow steps in a banking app.
The things he does are: work a zero hours contact (he works very hard for minimum wage but work is patchy), driving kids to football and some basic housework when he’s not got any work.

any disposable income left at the end of the month is shared for whoever needs it. It’s got to the stage where I don’t leave the house as I’m so busy. I have a demanding job that I love and it pays for our lifestyle. I have all the family and household admin. I help kids with homework, I cook etc. some weeks I go to bed at midnight every night and get up at 6am. My social life is no longer a priority. Whereas he has lots of free time as he can’t do any of the admin or homework help. He goes out and happily spends money. Nothing left for me to spend but that doesn’t matter as I have no life anyway.

He’s popular with everyone. People just think I’m moody and stressed. To make it worse I struggle to find the energy to interact after I put everything into my job and workload at home.

nobody knows the emotional abuse at home. We have an external image he’s obsessed with maintaining. It includes pretending we both earn a good wage, that he’s relaxed and helpful and that he knows what’s going on (someone asked him about fixed rate mortgages the other day…. He didn’t have a clue, but he did try to muddle through)

if he leaves I am worried he will meet someone new (he’s good looking and charismatic) who will encourage him to take me for half of everything. I just want our house to go to the kids.
If he leaves he would need to rent a room and there’d be nothing left after buying food and paying bills. I don’t want anything from him - I am financially stable (albeit I have to work hard and budget hard).. He doesn’t want any official arrangement for the kids. He thinks I should just cope alone and he has the right to come to see them when convenient for him.
what can I do? What’s he entitled to?

It depends how willing to fight you are in my experience. This happened to a good friend of mine last year. She had documentation from the sale of her own house that she used the profits from to put down a deposit on a joint home. The paperwork proved this and the deposit was awarded back to her despite it being a joint mortgage. She also received a higher percentage of the profits as she was able to prove that she’d paid the vast majority of the mortgage single handedly. It did cost a shocking amount in legal fees however and was a very long and drawn out process.

It’s not always as simple as married=50:50. From the experiences of relatives and friends around me, that tends to be what women are often advised so that they stop working/work part time and do the “wife work”, often falsely believing that they will 100% definitely gain 50% of a home and pension that they haven’t paid for upon divorce. I’ve known people on both sides of this who have been completely and utterly screwed over.

i never says he’d get 50%
I says he’d get a fair share. And that’s fair in the eyes of the law not what anyone thinks is morally fair. A deposit won’t be deducted first.

split will be determined based on needs and principles of s25…… which could mean 50:50, could result in an unequal division and could see op awarded less than 50% despite being main earner

Quick google search and look at some solicitors websites also shows that a court will primarily consider what is “fair and reasonable” which will not always be a 50/50 split.

A deposit absolutely can be deducted first if that is what’s considered “fair and reasonable” which is the legal standard for divorce settlements. But the OP needs legal advice not our opinions on here, hopefully she finds a good solicitor.

Of course a different % can be awarded of assets in either direction either mutually agreeing or court ordered if necessary. Considerations can be given to monies brought to the marriage and during the marriage - more likely to be set aside with low earning spouse and long marriage.

yes op needs legal advice for sure. She also needs to change her mindset.

God what is with these men-leeches nowadays!?!? Or what seems to me theyve become another child in the house with no responsibilities for nothing and only demand. And it should be given. Seek advice first before u make the next step. I dont know the terms to say them..you sound like a smart woman. make some sort of contract with him, legal signed u know (if he leaves now) that the house is signed to your name and the kids. When you're gone one day it goes to the kids names, without any window that it ever goes back to him. Again i dont know the terms, maybe u know what this thing is called. So even if he meets whoever or changes his mind, the property is sorted and cant be changed. Good luck.

Get some legal advice.