What can I be doing to prepare for separation?

[trailblazer42]

I am planning on separating from my husband in a couple of months time...I told him I wanted to separate in March following a four week period of stonewalling and he persuaded me that we should try to make things work if he can improve his behaviour. I agreed but despite things being less volatile at home, my feelings haven't changed and I just don't love him anymore. I've been having counselling for the last few months and am coming to terms with it all.

We have a family holiday in August and I intend that when we come back to reality after this I will tell him that I appreciate the efforts he's made in improving our family life but that it hasn't altered my feelings towards him.

I am starting to think about practical things I can be doing to help this. We have two children (18 and coming up to 16), own our house outright and have a mortgage on another property we rent out. Our finances are completely joint apart from a small account I recently managed to set up to get some financial privacy. My income is almost on a par with his.

I have a free consultation call with a solicitor on Monday and am going to speak to the mortgage brokers about my options for buying him out of our home. What else should I be doing or thinking about? I don't know if he will be willing to move out or if we will continue to live together initially but I am very keen not to back down again this time so feel like I need to be armed with plans.

The children aren't aware of the previous separatation conversations but I have been sleeping in the lounge for four months so are aware that things aren't rosy.

This family holiday will surely be profoundly and memorably unpleasant for everyone?

The children aren't aware of the previous separatation conversations but I have been sleeping in the lounge for four months so are aware that things aren't rosy

at 16 and 18, they will be acutely aware

They are aware of the problems (they were also at the receiving end of the stonewalling), but not aware that I've previously suggested separation.

Actually, I think it will be a vast improvement on previous holidays where behaviour has been erratic and unpredictable. He is making an effort to not have tantrums/sulk/shut himself down and is much more aware of how his behaviour impacts us all now, so I'm not actually dreading it.

i suspect your children will honestly be over the moon op

you have been sleeping on the sofa for months. Are you back in the marital bed?

why were the children stonewalled?

i would put everyone out of their misery asap

and then either or he take the children on holiday

He is in our bed...we won't be sharing a bed on holiday. He's stonewalled us all for a variety of reasons over the years, but this instance was because my daughter wanted her bedroom decorated, he didn't want it to be done, and I did it anyway. I didn't back down so four weeks passed. I wrote a letter for him when I went away for a weekend explaining my feelings and that his treatment of the children was wrong.

Things have improved with our family relationship to the point that the holiday is now achievable...I don't want to jeopardise that hence waiting a little while but wanting to get ready for what is coming.

He’s not making that much of an effort if you’ve been on the sofa in months despite it being his behaviour that has been so appalling
Ok OP, well my advice is to do before holiday and beyond that… good luck

did you daughter get her room redecorated?

ah i see

the children would probably LOVE to go on holiday just with you and have a proper fun and relaxing holiday

Honestly he isn’t going to move out OP. Why would he? He has a nice bed to sleep in. He doesn’t want to separate. Plus he’s grumpy and doesn’t care if you suffer.

Would you be prepared to move out? You could get a short term rental. That’s going to be the easiest way forward by far, if your aim is to live apart from him. You could get a 2 bed apartment and when both kids stay you can sleep in the lounge (again). At least until everything else is sorted out.

What’s the status of your rental property - is it in your power to serve notice on the tenants and move in there?

Also it sounds like you aren’t poor, so don’t just have “one free hour” of legal advice. Pay to get some proper advice.

if you’re insisting on having a holiday all together - and god knows it sounds awful to me - then try and help the kids enjoy it. They will look back on it as the worst holiday they ever had, when they realise you were playing happy families and intending to leave or kick dad out.

Slightly regretting posting this now as wasn't expecting to feel quite so attacked for my approach, but just to explain, he did suggest that he move out in earlier conversations but I was the one that caved and agreed to keep things as they were with us working on the family unit. I shouldn't have done but I did.

I can technically afford legal advice but I have no financial privacy so he would see anything I'm doing, and does scrutinise it, and I want to avoid that at the moment. I have £200 in a bank account he isn't aware of which I am using for my counselling. I will seek proper legal advice when we separate, but I'm just trying to see if there is anything anyone suggests before that point. There often seem to be a lot of people commenting about things they wish they'd done or known before separation so I thought I'd try to be proactive and get myself organised before it all gets very real and emotional.

you feel “attacked” because given the bloody awful scenario you outline… a family holiday is probably not the best idea.

Ok… 🤷

That’s fair enough if that’s your opinion, but it wasn’t why I was asking for advice on. I’m happy with that decision and believe me it has been thoroughly thought through.

I’ve been lurking on here for weeks and advice has always seemed very supportive no matter what poor decisions often appear to have been made.

Being told that this will be the worse holiday of my children’s life isn’t particularly useful to someone who is trying to do their best to navigate a really tough situation. I have enough guilt about breaking up my marriage despite it being full of abusive behaviour and impacting my mental health without this sort of judgement so would just appreciate a little understanding about where I’m coming from.

To be honest if you have comparable incomes then you will be probably just end up splitting up your assets 50:50. The 18 year old will probably be age out as a dependent before you reach a settlement.

My concern would the 16 yr. They have exams coming up in the next couple of years and it would be my priority not to disrupt that.

Neither of you have to spend a fortune on legal costs. It sounds relatively straightforward. Book your mediation now and start getting pension valuations if they are unequal or high value. Don’t bother if you both have equal pensions or they are small pots.

Can you buy him out relatively quickly or at least pay the mortgage on your own until it is sold. I’d ask him to put off the sale until the 16 year finishes their A levels. Or move now and then settled.

Sorry you're having a hard time on here.

To prepare I would be saving up for a rental deposit. He's not going to move out. Be prepared to put the family home for sale and everyone moves on with their life. He'll want you to punish you by making it equally difficult for you both.

I came on to say the sane as lemontt

if you’re on similar incomes then you’ll be looking at 50:50 so I wouldn’t waste much on expensive lawyers you will be best to try to discuss with husband and agree if possible

can you buy him out? Can he you?

can one of you live in the rental property while working through the divorce? Will you live together while divorcing? Will you sell
the house now or in two years ?

dint wait for the holiday, just get the ball rolling

Is this what you mean that she was 'stonewalled'? She wanted her bedroom decorated, he said wasn't necessary you disagreed and did it?

I have been in your shoes, and also waited until after the holiday. It will be fine.

He didn’t want her bedroom decorated as it was only done a few years ago…it wasn’t an unreasonable request as a 15yr old has quite different tastes to a 10yr old. We could afford it, no real reason to make such a fuss.

But he told us he would move
out of it was done. He stormed out one evening leaving our daughter home alone and upset that her father had just walked out, came back the next day and didn’t speak to us for four weeks. When I told him I wanted a separation he admitted he had been ignoring us to punish us for going against him. This has been regular behaviour over the years, just never for this length of time as I’ve usually swept it under the carpet

We don’t have a mortgage on our family house so there isn’t financial pressure there. I am hoping to find out how easily I could borrow to buy him out…if he takes our flat then it will be about £100k to borrow. I will have around £25k in savings though so could knock a bit off this if needed.

My concern is also my daughter and disruption, but she’s been asking me to leave him for years and I’m very conscious that continually accepting his behaviour is incredibly damaging too.

I agree with PPs. The holiday sounds a dreadful idea. Can you go with just the children?

Honestly, I would gets details of all finances, documents etc and tell him now that it's over. Prolonging it is just awful for you, and worse for the children.