What can I be doing to prepare for separation?

[trailblazer42]

I am planning on separating from my husband in a couple of months time...I told him I wanted to separate in March following a four week period of stonewalling and he persuaded me that we should try to make things work if he can improve his behaviour. I agreed but despite things being less volatile at home, my feelings haven't changed and I just don't love him anymore. I've been having counselling for the last few months and am coming to terms with it all.

We have a family holiday in August and I intend that when we come back to reality after this I will tell him that I appreciate the efforts he's made in improving our family life but that it hasn't altered my feelings towards him.

I am starting to think about practical things I can be doing to help this. We have two children (18 and coming up to 16), own our house outright and have a mortgage on another property we rent out. Our finances are completely joint apart from a small account I recently managed to set up to get some financial privacy. My income is almost on a par with his.

I have a free consultation call with a solicitor on Monday and am going to speak to the mortgage brokers about my options for buying him out of our home. What else should I be doing or thinking about? I don't know if he will be willing to move out or if we will continue to live together initially but I am very keen not to back down again this time so feel like I need to be armed with plans.

The children aren't aware of the previous separatation conversations but I have been sleeping in the lounge for four months so are aware that things aren't rosy.

You aren’t seeing it, but posters are offering you advice. Don’t go on the holiday as a family unit - your children will look back on it awful memories when they realise it was all pretend.

Also, if you’re convincing at playing happy families, you’ll be giving them false hope. As it is, they probably suspect you are on the verge of a break up. Four months on the sofa is a really long time.

It won’t be pretend - we are capable of going away together and enjoying the holiday. It’s something I’ve seriously considered and discussed with a professional counsellor (obviously with them having a lot more information than I’ve shared here) and am happy that is the best thing for our family at the moment.

individually you don’t have 25k in savings. That will be split. All your assets will be split. Consider selling the flat as it will create more liquidity and options.

It is also a mistake to start making assumptions about what he should or shouldn’t do to accommodate you. This can rile people up. Let him decide what his plans are. Then see if they conflict with yours.

The best starting point is to agree what you want to achieve from the divorce. For example say you want stability for the 16 year until they complete their exams. Say you want both children to be able to have a strong relationship with both of you. Say you both want to have homes and security for the future. Getting hung up over bricks and mortar is one of biggest follies that people make during a divorce.

Find out what kind of mortgage you can get. It will inform what you can or cannot do.

nb. If you don’t want to rehearse the decisions you have made about staying or going on holiday etc, it’s probably best to not bring it up or engage with those comments. The more you explain the more those posters will challenge it.

If you feel strongly about staying in the house then one thing that you could work on would be getting an agreement in principle for a mortgage half of the value.

That way, when you have the conversation you can confidently offer to buy him out without any constraints on the rest of the assets. Just a simple “my preference would be to stay in the house and I will buy you out.”

Then, once other assets are split you can pay down the mortgage.

I think that you should also top up your private account as much as possible (getting cash back when shopping and paying in if you don’t want him to know about it? Or write a cheque to yourself and pay in?) so that you’ve got enough money for a month or two incase he’s a dick about shared money.

If you don’t already have a credit card that isn’t linked to him I’d apply for one too, again a bit of protection incase he is a dick.

I suspect that living in the house together after this conversation will be intolerable so I’d also look at rental property close to the kids school/college incase you decide that moving out is a better option.

And make sure that you’ve got a complete list of all of your joint assets including things like pension etc

Gather as much financial information as possible: P60s, pension values, savings, current accounts, estimated value of properties, any debt. Set up a spreadsheet with all the information, so you have a good picture of what you will need to divide. You could also set up some scenarios, so further down the line, you can present him with various options. Be aware that if he is already in the habit of punishing you, he may well revert, so I wouldn't let him know your preferred option initially. Read the AdviceNow documents. Try to go down the path of joint mediation for the assets, and hope that he won't want to look unreasonable in front of a professional. Best wishes for a new happier life.

Any idea roughly the value of the house, the flat - and also the mortgage amount on the flat?