Child maintenance being paid by ex DH’s affair partner

[Overthinkingismyforte]

I don’t know if I’m being over sensitive here and I’d welcome some thoughts on next steps. The ex and I separated in 2021 and divorced in 2022 due to his cheating throughout the marriage. We have 2 DCs together, 12 and 14. He’s just moved in with his partner, the last one he cheated on me with. I do direct pay with CMS and he pays me every month directly into my bank account. This month’s payment has been made by her so I’ve now got her name on my bank statement. Not only do I feel like they’re rubbing my face in the fact they’re still together (he’s cheated on her twice in the two years they’ve been together and they’re getting married in a few weeks), she’s nothing to do with the CMS arrangement! How can I trust that she’ll pay me the maintenance every month?

I’ve spoken to a few people about this and their take has been don’t rise to it, as long as you’re getting the maintenance it’s all good. But I don’t think it is. She’s nothing to do with me and I never consented to her having my bank details or paying me on behalf of my ex. Am I wrong to be feeling so angry about this?

Money is money at the end of the day, if she is foolish enough to stick with him that that’s her affair really. I get that it feels a bit pointed ands stirs up feelings, but I agree with trying to move past it. You don’t actually need someone’s consent to put money in their bank account and you’ll just have to trust that the money comes and if it doesn’t then raise it with him first and then CMS if no joy.

Erm, not sure how I’d feel tbh. Tho glad I still got the maintenance
I get the bit about your bank details but not like his partner can take any money out🤷‍♀️

And in a perverse way doesn’t it feel a bit good to be taking her money?!

You feel what you feel, but I don’t think your anger will be helpful to you here.

They will be married in a few weeks and future payments may come from a joint account, say. There is no reason for her not to know your bank account details

They are getting married so it’s all family money. Who cares which one of them pays it as long as it gets paid.

Rubbing your nose in what? He's a cheating bastard. Surely all it reminds you of is how much of an idiot she is to stick with him and how well you are to be shot of him? You get your freedom with your kids. She gets a lovely risk of STIs from all his conquests, wondering where he is and whether he's cheating and is apparently now paying you for that privilege.

“he’s cheated on her twice in the two years they’ve been together”

Why is this a thing that you know?

I can understand why it is upsetting, but there isn't much to do about it .
As long as you get paid, so the money is available to the kids, that's what matters in the end.

It would piss me off her being given my bank details but I think you should just rise above it and go grey rock.

I'd try to rise above this OP. It's a bit irritating but not worth worrying about too much.

My ex husbands new wife has done this for around seven years now. Comes as Mrs xxxx

I think it's more on them that they are so full of spite they seek to annoy me when actually that money is for my children and I don't care how it appears in my bank.
It actually makes laugh!

My ex’s mum paid it half the time he never worked so it was only £30 a month ..

I just thought it even more pathetic and reminded me I was better off without it .

She’s the idiot here, there’s no requirement for her to support his kids. Take the money while she’s daft enough to pay it

A few weeks ago he had the kids overnight (this rarely happens) and they rang me and asked to come home. They’d seen their dad and his partner fighting (shouting and getting physical) because she’d taken his phone. She took screenshots of the emails between my ex and the other woman and had sent them to my DD. I texted ex to ask wtf was going on and the partner messaged me saying she had his phone and she told me he’d cheated twice.

Hmm so I think his wages are now going into that account and once married it will be a joint account. Or he's a financial arsehole and can't afford to pay so she is?

I wouldn't see it as malicious but would make me wonder what's going on behind closed doors.

Thanks all, I think going grey rock is probably the best idea. I’m just a bit concerned that he fucks her over (which he will) and she then refuses to make payments on his behalf.

Fuck them. It means you live rent free in her head. She wants a raise. I'd take great pleasure in not giving it to her/then. If it's ever not paid go to CM. In the meantime smile, don't give her the satisfaction, smile again because he's not your problem anymore. Then smile again in the knowledge that he'll be nuts in with the next OW shortly. She thinks she's sticking it to you. She's an arsehole. He prize is a lying, cheating, disloyal walking advert for an STD clinic. The only one getting fucked is her and all the future idiots that shag him.

She 100% should refuse to make payments on his behalf. He is assessed on his earnings alone and it’s his responsibility to pay. If they split she’s not responsible for it

<completely missing the point> So she's still marrying him, knowing that he's cheated on her twice?
Take the money and be glad you're out of all that drama.

There's no recourse on her though. If he's shit with money and she has morals and has paid it on his behalf, that says more about her than him.

Do we know that she’s bitter and twisted and doing it to get at op or are we just assuming?

There’s so many reasons that it might have come from her account.

I wouldn’t be angry, I would pity her. She got with a cheating bastard who is now her cheating bastard and now she’s paying for his dc.

She doesn’t need to make this payment.

I think it shows she respects the agreement and wants to make sure you get the £ you expect even if dick for brains can’t keep his bank account in the black.

It doesn’t matter that she paid once. The obligation remains his. If she doesn’t pay next time you contact CMS and let them take over.

Then he will pay you from his bank account surely? And if he doesn’t you report missing payments to CMS who will chase it.

my exs maintenance comes from his partners account and I’ve never bothered to ask about it or say anything, at the end of the day the money for my child is paid each month so I don’t care

I’m just a bit concerned that he fucks her over (which he will) and she then refuses to make payments on his behalf.

You have no idea why he has done this - he may, say, have asked her to pay this one time as he is in the process of shutting his account and opening a joint account, or he has just paid a wedding bill and she is paying this rather than sending him her half, or whatever

Her sending screen shots of his messages to your DD is the thing I would pick up, if I was raising anything with them!