Child maintenance being paid by ex DH’s affair partner

[Overthinkingismyforte]

I don’t know if I’m being over sensitive here and I’d welcome some thoughts on next steps. The ex and I separated in 2021 and divorced in 2022 due to his cheating throughout the marriage. We have 2 DCs together, 12 and 14. He’s just moved in with his partner, the last one he cheated on me with. I do direct pay with CMS and he pays me every month directly into my bank account. This month’s payment has been made by her so I’ve now got her name on my bank statement. Not only do I feel like they’re rubbing my face in the fact they’re still together (he’s cheated on her twice in the two years they’ve been together and they’re getting married in a few weeks), she’s nothing to do with the CMS arrangement! How can I trust that she’ll pay me the maintenance every month?

I’ve spoken to a few people about this and their take has been don’t rise to it, as long as you’re getting the maintenance it’s all good. But I don’t think it is. She’s nothing to do with me and I never consented to her having my bank details or paying me on behalf of my ex. Am I wrong to be feeling so angry about this?

She is being a total mug and one day she will realise this.

I wouldn’t like it either but ultimately would feel sorry for her. What a mug!

I can’t pity her because she knew she was with a lying, cheating piece of scum from the off. He’s now done it to her and she’s still marrying him.

I don’t think it’ll be a vindictive move on her part, she seems very codependent, but reading between the lines I think she’s got him on a very tight leash and she’s not letting him do anything without her. It wouldn’t surprise me if he’s offered to put all his money in her account so she can see he’s not spending money on hotels and sex workers etc.

it doesn’t change the fact I don’t want to see the name of the woman jointly responsible for breaking up my family every month on my bank statements.

The obligation is his. If he doesn’t pay up, you go to CMS. In fact I suspect you could now, you’ve not received money from him this month have you! That is not my advice though, my advice is stay out of it as long as the correct amount is turning up.

Yep. Marrying very soon! I’m so glad I’m out of all the drama but seeing her name it’s like I’m on the periphery and I want nothing to do with her.

Is it maybe that he wasn’t paid himself? I know a couple of people who were affected by a banking error on Friday, their wages didn’t go into their accounts. Is it possible he didn’t get paid but she did?

I’ve had this conversation with both my ex and her on speakerphone. I said I was horrified at what the DCs had witnessed, they both apologised profusely and said it would never happen again. I said I didn’t want the DCs going to their house for the next few weeks at least until everything was smoothed over, which it appears to be now but for how long is anyone’s guess. According to the DCs they’re acting like nothing’s happened and they’re “all over each other” according to DD (seeing them snogging and hearing their pet names for each other makes her want to vom she says).

Ugh… I’m glad they have said they will keep your DC out of future arguments but… ugh!

@Overthinkingismyforte do the kids actually want to stay with them? I think they are old enough to decide for themselves.

That’s not her issue tho is it? He needs to pay

Despite everything their dad has done, they still give him the time of day which is to their credit really. I never force them to see him, they only see him one day a week at the weekend and the overnight stays are if I need childcare, maybe once every couple of months. They quite like seeing him because the partner has a dog and I think they like playing with the dog…

I’d feel happy she took him off my hands every time I saw her name.

How shameful/embarrassing for her to have to tight leash a grown man.

Anyway, you could change your bank account (and get one of those intro payments) and just leave the CM going into this account?

that way you only have to see his or her name when you transfer it b

If they are living together, they may have a joint account that they both pay into to cover the bills. The bills may all be set up to come out of her account so his money is transferred/paid into it, especially if she’s better at managing the finances. That would be pretty normal. I’d be pleased that it’s being paid and more concerned about if they split up and it isn’t paid. If she’s paying it and stops, CMS can chase him for it - it’s nothing to do with her. Why does it bother you? You won the prize of never having to worry about being cheated on by him again. Don’t hate on her, in time she will be in the same situation that you are now - sounds like she already is.

Honestly I think this reflects very well on her. She has no legal obligation to pay his child maintenance for him, but has presumably stepped in and offered to do so when it looked like he'd be late paying or unable to pay. For all her faults, she's ensuring your children don't go without. Good on her.

I don’t see how it reflects well on her judgement tbh, she has chosen a cheat who isn’t dealing with his child maintenance, I’d be ashamed to be this man child’s partner.

More fool her. She’s marrying someone who’s already cheated on her, and she’s paying for his kids?

Mug.

Book in for some therapy, u obviously are focusing on things that rnt important, u got the money.