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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Dating a divorced man

49 replies

Sackey · 22/06/2024 11:06

Hi, I’m 26 and I’m dating a man (34) with 3 kids under the age of 10, he’s separated from his wife and he lives with the kids. I love him so much and willing to accept his marriage proposal but I need advice on that first . Please advise me . Thank you

OP posts:
FatfunandADHD · 22/06/2024 11:09

Is the ex wife (mother of the children) still in the picture? If so what is their relationship like?

You may get some more support from the step parenting page on mums net.

I think it's about being true to yourself, understanding that the children will come first and be comfortable and secure in whatever relationship he has with the ex.

keeptryinggirl · 22/06/2024 11:14

oh sweet jesus

where to start

but if you decide to pursue this, you will be on mumsnet starting threads left, right and centre

Original poster
Sackey · 22/06/2024 11:15

FatfunandADHD · 22/06/2024 11:09

Is the ex wife (mother of the children) still in the picture? If so what is their relationship like?

You may get some more support from the step parenting page on mums net.

I think it's about being true to yourself, understanding that the children will come first and be comfortable and secure in whatever relationship he has with the ex.

The ex is still in the picture cos she picks the kids for 3 days in a week and then returns them . He's planning to marry me this coming November, I love him and the kids but looking within me I'm so scared of what might happen in future. I'm the quite type

OP posts:
keeptryinggirl · 22/06/2024 11:15

FatfunandADHD · 22/06/2024 11:09

Is the ex wife (mother of the children) still in the picture? If so what is their relationship like?

You may get some more support from the step parenting page on mums net.

I think it's about being true to yourself, understanding that the children will come first and be comfortable and secure in whatever relationship he has with the ex.

highly likely she is very much still in the picture if they share 3 children under 10!

Original poster
Sackey · 22/06/2024 11:16

keeptryinggirl · 22/06/2024 11:14

oh sweet jesus

where to start

but if you decide to pursue this, you will be on mumsnet starting threads left, right and centre

Please can you explain how ? Thanks

OP posts:
greenatthetop · 22/06/2024 11:16

Taking on three kids is a lot. Do not underestimate this. It will limit and constrain all other areas of your life.

Be wary that he may be keen to marry so that he will have someone to help with the house and kids.

You are very young to take all this on and it is likely to affect your own career and earning potential, which will affect the rest of your life. The cost of supporting three children will also affect your savings and financial security.

You will have less time to build your own interests and hobbies. Less independence.

If you do this, go into it will real understanding and clarity.

keeptryinggirl · 22/06/2024 11:16

Sackey · 22/06/2024 11:16

Please can you explain how ? Thanks

Show quote history

as i say, i don’t know where to start

perhaps peruse the Step Parents forum for a flavour

SpringerFall · 22/06/2024 11:17

Please do not have any more children with him this has drama all over it

FatfunandADHD · 22/06/2024 11:17

Sackey · 22/06/2024 11:15

The ex is still in the picture cos she picks the kids for 3 days in a week and then returns them . He's planning to marry me this coming November, I love him and the kids but looking within me I'm so scared of what might happen in future. I'm the quite type

Show quote history

What are you scared about specifically?

Original poster
Sackey · 22/06/2024 11:18

greenatthetop · 22/06/2024 11:16

Taking on three kids is a lot. Do not underestimate this. It will limit and constrain all other areas of your life.

Be wary that he may be keen to marry so that he will have someone to help with the house and kids.

You are very young to take all this on and it is likely to affect your own career and earning potential, which will affect the rest of your life. The cost of supporting three children will also affect your savings and financial security.

You will have less time to build your own interests and hobbies. Less independence.

If you do this, go into it will real understanding and clarity.

That's my greatest fear

OP posts:
greenatthetop · 22/06/2024 11:19

SpringerFall · 22/06/2024 11:17

Please do not have any more children with him this has drama all over it

And this. Do you want kids of your own? He may not want anymore. And if you did have more, that’s a huge practical and financial undertaking.

Original poster
Sackey · 22/06/2024 11:19

SpringerFall · 22/06/2024 11:17

Please do not have any more children with him this has drama all over it

What if I want kids of my own

OP posts:
greenatthetop · 22/06/2024 11:31

Sackey · 22/06/2024 11:19

What if I want kids of my own

Show quote history

Have you discussed this with him?

How long have you been dating? Have things progressed quite quickly to marriage? If so, that does make me suspicious of his motives.

ByCupidStunt · 22/06/2024 11:35

If you want kids of your own have them with a man who also doesn't have any kids, that way, all his energy, money and resources will go on your kid only. Unlike a man who already has 3 kids.

I'd also be suspicious about his motives to marry you.

MsMcGonagall · 22/06/2024 11:42

You are only 26, you are so young. Don't shackle yourself to someone with 3 kids. Build your own life.

If you want your own children you MUST have this conversation with him. Does he want a total of 4 children, 5? If so, your joint resources need to fund all 5 children. Inheritance will go to all 5...

In their teens (or earlier) the 3 step children may resent you; you may resent them. His first responsibility SHOULD be to them, not you.

I would walk away. If you don't walk away, certainly don't get married this year. And don't get pregnant with him!

Original poster
Sackey · 22/06/2024 11:42

ByCupidStunt · 22/06/2024 11:35

If you want kids of your own have them with a man who also doesn't have any kids, that way, all his energy, money and resources will go on your kid only. Unlike a man who already has 3 kids.

I'd also be suspicious about his motives to marry you.

I've been with him for 1year 5months. We've had the discussion of having my own kids , and he told me the 3kids will be with their mother if we get married, but I don't want him to have an excuse to go and see his ex . I suggested the kids leave with us .

Also about having kids with a single person, I dated a guy for 6years( my first boyfriend) he got married to someone without telling me , even a day to he wedding he was with me , which makes makes me scared to be with single guy, I'm scared they will leave me again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sackey · 22/06/2024 11:43

MsMcGonagall · 22/06/2024 11:42

You are only 26, you are so young. Don't shackle yourself to someone with 3 kids. Build your own life.

If you want your own children you MUST have this conversation with him. Does he want a total of 4 children, 5? If so, your joint resources need to fund all 5 children. Inheritance will go to all 5...

In their teens (or earlier) the 3 step children may resent you; you may resent them. His first responsibility SHOULD be to them, not you.

I would walk away. If you don't walk away, certainly don't get married this year. And don't get pregnant with him!

He's want total of 6 , which means he's expecting extra 3 from me but in all my life I've only want just two kids

OP posts:
Original poster
Sackey · 22/06/2024 11:44

MsMcGonagall · 22/06/2024 11:42

You are only 26, you are so young. Don't shackle yourself to someone with 3 kids. Build your own life.

If you want your own children you MUST have this conversation with him. Does he want a total of 4 children, 5? If so, your joint resources need to fund all 5 children. Inheritance will go to all 5...

In their teens (or earlier) the 3 step children may resent you; you may resent them. His first responsibility SHOULD be to them, not you.

I would walk away. If you don't walk away, certainly don't get married this year. And don't get pregnant with him!

I definitely feel trapped

OP posts:
greenatthetop · 22/06/2024 11:48

Sorry? He’s currently has his kids 4 nights a week but he is planning on telling them they have to live with his mother now if you get married?!

So he is showing you how he treats his own children, as disposable, and you want him to father your kids?

You also don’t trust him to visit his Ex?

This man, and this relationship has red flags all over it.

Do not marry this man. Do not stay with this man.

Leave, work on yourself, build a life for yourself, find a better man later on.

MsMcGonagall · 22/06/2024 11:49

You don't want him to see his ex... they are co-parents. They will see each other at graduations, kid's marriages, if not other occasions such as school events. YOU will likely see the ex at children handovers or in emergency situations.

Just because you had a terrible and traumatic experience with your ex boyfriend doesn't mean you need to leap into this trap with the current guy. Be single, heal yourself, there are good guys out there.

SpringerFall · 22/06/2024 11:50

Sackey · 22/06/2024 11:19

What if I want kids of my own

Show quote history

So your 'I wanna baby' should not outweigh raising a child in a decent environment

Maybe people should put children first more and they would have better childhoods?

Tatiepot · 22/06/2024 11:50

You aren’t trapped lovely , you are free to walk away at any time…like NOW!

you’ve not been with him long enough to know who he really is, or why he is divorced (I found out the hard way that my now ex was abusive towards his ex and kids before he was abusive to me and our child.)

Really, really love, don’t go there, if you can’t bear to leave him yet then just don’t marry him as that’ll make you more trapped.

But if you can, get the hell out of there.

neilyoungismyhero · 22/06/2024 11:54

Well you're not trapped yet are you. You have feelings for him but there's no actual commitment . The fact that he is going to ship his 3 resident children back to their mother if you have children is unbelievable tbh. If he's lying about that to reel you in it's nasty and if he is of a mind to do it, that's worse.

Respectfully, it doesn't sound as if you're quite ready for such a complicated relationship - you've been bitten once by an advantage taker don't let it happen again.

MsMcGonagall · 22/06/2024 11:54

You wrote that you feel trapped, just as I was writing a post describing your situation as a trap.

Free yourself my dear.

I was single after a betrayal in my late twenties, it was a brilliant time of my life where I did what I wanted and answered to nobody.

Then I met my DH, we were both ready to build a life together (no previous children on either side!) - pretty equal circumstances so it does feel like what we have we built together.

stealthninjamum · 22/06/2024 11:55

Op please don’t get married to this guy. One year and 5 months is no time at all to know whether you’re compatible with someone for life. I have two kids now but there’s no way I would’ve been ready to be a step mum to three kids when I was in my 20s. I would be worried that he wants to tie you down to a life of housework and childcare.

And don’t let your previous relationship affect your subsequent ones.Dont stay with this guy because you’re scared of being treated badly again. Get counselling if you want to unpick why you’re in this relationship. Maybe you’d benefit by being on your own for a while and learning how to put yourself first.