I hate my miserable husband but he loves me

[QueenAnnie]

I just can’t stand my husband. I’ve felt like this for years but made the decision to stay, mainly because I wanted a stable childhood for my children and as his parenting skills are mediocre at best, I hated the thought of letting him look after them alone. Main issues are as follows:
he moans and complains incessantly, about everything.I’m his emotional punchbag
he’s awful with money and I have to support him financially a lot (I do earn more)
he hates me going out with fiends, I am allowed but he doesn’t like it
he complains we don’t have sex enough and if we do, it’s not exciting enough (we’ve been together for over 20 years, I tell him his moaning doesn’t help my libido, and the he gets angry)
I do the vast majority of household chores, work full time, have a small business and am studying for a masters.
Obviously, I’ve had enough and want my freedom. However, despite his behaviour, I know he is madly in love with me and will be absolutely devastated if I leave. He’s also a lot older than me and I feel bad leaving when he’s near retirement age.
Help please folks xx

That's absolutely not a reason to stay. What about YOU OP? What do you want?

You only get one life...

Madly dependent on you, more like.

Break free.

His actions don't show he's in love with you.

Look at actions rather than listen to his words.

Why do you think he is "in love" with you.

You deserve someone who makes you feel better than that. He deserves someone who loves him. And your children aren't growing up seeing a model of a healthy relationship between the two of you. So better just confront the issue and tell him you'd like to leave. You could try counselling to help him get to the same page that you're on in terms of checking out of the relationship emotionally and to be completely sure it's not salvageable.

If he was madly in love with you , surely he would be delightful? He sounds like a desperately insecure and not very pleasant man.
You could tell him that you are at the end of your tether with him and unless he gets himself some serious counselling and works on his issues, you are walking.
However if you can’t ever see yourself loving him again, then it’s probably best to do the civilised thing and go your separate ways.
The children won’t love living in a miserable household, and after the initial upheaval will settle into the new routine.
You can go to counselling together to set the framework of separation with mutual respect so you are both on the same page. He sounds like he will drag his heels and let you do all the donkey work, so no surprises there.

Either he loves you, OR you are his emotional punching bag. Not both. And you know which it is.

Saying he's madly in love with you doesn't mean it's true, or even that he knows what the hell that means or is capable of it. I suggest that he madly loves having an emotional punching bag.

He sounds awful. How old are your children?

👌

Children are early 20’s and late teens. I have absolutely no qualms now about leaving him and the impact on them now. I think I’ve done right by them for as long as I could.

He isn't madly in love with you. He'd do a better job of being your husband if he was.

And if course, you’re all absolutely right. I suspect he’s in love with the idea of me, rather than actual me if that makes sense! Should add, my father left my mother and she became an alcoholic and put me though years of misery. I do worry about burdening my children with the same.

He isn't madly in love with you, he's madly in love with himself! He's a miserable unreasonable git and you deserve better. You've done your time so now escape. And good luck to you.

Leave and live a happy life away from him. He doesn't love you he loves having someone to moan to

Get out get out OP! I'm getting divorced, different reasons but the relief once we told the kids was immense. They took the news really well and are younger than yours. Look forward to your new life

Show your DC a healthy relationship!

I can't believe you thought it was better to model such a toxic marriage tbh.

I had one like this. I remember saying to him once that I struggled to believe he loved me because he acted like he didn’t even like me and he acted like he was shocked. He was really controlling. I reached crunch point a while back. We agreed to separate. I needed time to reflect, learn and grow. He started seeing someone new within a couple of weeks! Seems he isn’t capable of being alone and he jumped straight into a new relationship. I bet your H is much the same.
Best decision I ever made. I am so much happier. I mean, I am skint, but it sounds like you’d be better off! Don’t stay because you think he loves/needs you. Men like that find a way to manage.

@ThisWormHasTurned sounds like there’s a few of them out there. Really glad it’s worked out well for you x

@RandomMess I hid things extremely well from my children. I have incredible restraint!

@Treacletoots just my freedom! And never, ever go near a man again.

He sounds like a selfish, whiny manbaby. I loved my father, but he could be a bit like that. He was very, very miserable and negative. And he would rant about stuff to (or rather at) my mother. He was also clingy like your husband. He hated my mother getting a part time job, for example, and didn’t like it when she went to evening classes. He had abandonment issues from his own childhood (his mother ran off with another man when he was 14), which probably explains it.

If you truly love someone, you worry how they feel. You want them to be happy and do all you can to make them so. He only cares about himself.

One word springs to mind. Ick.

Life is too short to spend with unhappy, joyless misers.

Leave him to it. Set yourself free.

You say he “allows” you to go out with friends… that’s a red flag in itself. You sound like a very accomplished woman yet it seems he controls you with his moods and demands and complaints! It will only get worse as he gets older - get out before you become a full time carer for this miserable man!

Also, must apologise, never been on Mumsnet, I might not be following the usual etiquette or have any clue of the abbreviations!

Don’t worry too much. There is a list of acronyms for things somewhere. DH = darling husband (which is why I referred to your’s as just husband!). OP = original poster (ie you in this situation).
Yeah my life is so different from when we split (2 1/2 years ago). It motivated me to get a new job (I worked weekends a lot and I found a promotion with better hours). I’ve lost about 3 stone. I work out and have toned up a lot. I did meet a nice fella and enjoy his company. No rush to move in together or marry though!
Life is short. Far too short to be living with a misery guts!

The reality is that he's going to get worse as he gets older. Then of course you'll be retired together. You may even get to nurse him. Does that sound appealing? If not you might want to get your ducks in a row.