I hate my miserable husband but he loves me

[QueenAnnie]

I just can’t stand my husband. I’ve felt like this for years but made the decision to stay, mainly because I wanted a stable childhood for my children and as his parenting skills are mediocre at best, I hated the thought of letting him look after them alone. Main issues are as follows:
he moans and complains incessantly, about everything.I’m his emotional punchbag
he’s awful with money and I have to support him financially a lot (I do earn more)
he hates me going out with fiends, I am allowed but he doesn’t like it
he complains we don’t have sex enough and if we do, it’s not exciting enough (we’ve been together for over 20 years, I tell him his moaning doesn’t help my libido, and the he gets angry)
I do the vast majority of household chores, work full time, have a small business and am studying for a masters.
Obviously, I’ve had enough and want my freedom. However, despite his behaviour, I know he is madly in love with me and will be absolutely devastated if I leave. He’s also a lot older than me and I feel bad leaving when he’s near retirement age.
Help please folks xx

@ThisWormHasTurned go you! Sounds like you’re absolutely winning.

@Tel12 yeah, this has crossed my mind too. Again, the guilt that this is the father of my children kind of weighs heavy, just for the impact it could have on them if I wash my hands of him. I’ve been there myself!

Us mums have guilt whatever we do! It sounds like it’s time for you to do what’s right for you. Good chance that your children will be relieved to see their mum living a happy life.
I understand that you went through it with your parents but every family dynamic is different so it doesn’t mean that it would be the same for your children.

@QueenAnnie I think the way your husband has treated you in your marriage, it has conditioned you to have “guilt” for anything that involves making decisions that are good for your well-being.

Your H is a dependent and nothing more. Love doesn’t look or feel like how he behaves. My ex husband was awful however I was paralysed with inactivity. I’m in a loving relationship now and even though my partner doesn’t live with fully, he helps with chores. Brings me flowers, gives me emotional support, does things he knows will make me happy. It’s very different.

Maybe consider going to a therapist to help work through these emotions of guilt. You have sacrificed a lot for your kids but you don’t owe this man anything, The age gap sounds quite big and that you got together when you were very young. Do you think he took advantage of yoi?

Where is the love exactly?

I would love to put a bet on with you as to how quickly he will ‘fall in love’ with a new partner if you separate.
If he can’t run a home I suspect pretty quick.

Yep that’s what happened with mine. They were both only single for a couple of weeks after being married for 15 years, jumped straight in to a new relationship.

Love is an action. He doesn’t love you enough to wash the dishes, or tidy a cupboard. He doesn’t love you enough to smile and say have a nice time when you go out with friends because he knows it makes you happy. This isn’t love.

The children are now adults? Run free op!
It doesn't sound like he loves you at all, he's just comfortable. And even if he does, well his feelings are his you don't have to take them on, yours are just as important (and more so to you). Good luck x

He's in love with what you provide for him not with you.
Love is considering the other person's needs and trying to meet them. Love is celebrating the other person's successes and being joyful in their achievements. Love is stepping up to shoulder burdens with them or for them not leaving the burden for them to bear.
He doesn't sound like he's doing these things. He sounds petulant and resentful of you.
I think you'll be very happy in your new life !

He sounds absolutely joyless and does not show he loves you - he makes your life miserable!

You know you do not want this for the rest of your life and your kids probably realise more than you think

My parents divorced when dsis and I were early 20s (and we told them it should have been sooner!)

They are much happier now and we have good relationships with both of them

Live the life you want - it's a gift to you, he can decide his own path but you own yours - be happy and free

@ZebraD Unfortunately, I think he equates sex with love.

I don't think he sounds madly in love with you at all. You both need to move on. Men are tougher and meaner than you seem to think - he'll soon find another

@Tinkerbot deep down I know you’re absolutely right. Another good reason I’ve waited for children to grow up, I didn’t want them exposed to a constant parade of new girlfriends…

Oh do set yourself free, why on earth are you worrying about his feelings when he clearly doesn't give a crap about yours? You've spent a long time sacrificing your happiness for your children, which is admirable and I salute you for it, I don't think I could do it. Don't sacrifice your remaining happiness for the sake of a miserable old man child who doesn't appreciate what he's got to begin with!

This was my situation - I was miserable, felt I had to stay to protect the kids from him, he was happy and secure. (More equal finances though).

When I left him initially he was distraught and blindsided. And my FOG and his control over the family meant neither the teenage kids nor I could resist 50:50.

But he went on to several successful relationships and settled and remarried very happily. The kids have grown up and left home, and made their own choices about their relationship with him.

More to the point, my biggest regret in life is that I didn’t bite the bullet and leave him much earlier - there is no way he’d have gone for 50:50 when the kids were little, he never changed a nappy or took them out without me in their lives!

And my life is transformed. I am remarried to a wonderful man, the kids both really like him, and XDH is absolutely out of my life.

Leaving was tough, but so very worth it, I can’t recommend it highly enough!

He doesn't love you OP. He loves the lifestyle that he has with you.

Leave him. Life is too short for this shit. Even if you're alone forever, you'll still be happier than stuck with him!

@ProjectEdensGate at the moment, the thought of being alone forever is bliss. Between family, career and friends, I don’t need no man!

@Secondstart1001 thank you for your very sensible response. And it’s lovely to hear that goodness has come your way. I don’t think he took advantage of me, I think one problem is that we met when I was young and still had a lot of growing up to do and despite his age (+12 years), we were on the same level. I grew up, he stayed the same. Sadly, I think he just wanted me to himself and although he wanted children, and loved them in his own way, he found them a massive inconvenience to his social life and me being solely available for his needs. What a pretty picture I’m painting 🙄

I can definitely relate to your situation ☺️my ex was very similar but I’ve been blissfully single for 4 years now. Like you say I have no interest in another relationship. My kids, family, friends and job are all I need. It’s amazing. Do it! It’s a bit scary at the time but once the plaster is ripped off you are free… If you have the opportunity to organise living arrangements, finances etc before you pull the plug it will make it an easier experience for you.

He sounds revolting, leave him now and learn to enjoy your own life on your terms without this sorry sack of shit weighing you down, he's been using you and your body for decades and can't even treat you respectfully.
The children will be fine and you'll be better than ever.

He is not in love with you. someone who is in love with you would not treat you this way. I'd suggest his behaviour is controlling and abusive. Leave him and get on with your life.

I guarantee your children are not oblivious to this or to his poor parenting skills.

What makes you think hes's in love with you?
Because he says it?
Its very easy to say - I love you OP, see??
Loving someone involves acting like you love them, its not just words.
What he actually is is terrified of losing his meal ticket/housekeeper/sex toy.
Sounds like you are in a good position to leave, not trapped by lack of job or small children so what exactly is stopping you?

This is very much like me OP. All apart from the sex. He hasn't gone near me for 13 years, and I wouldn't want him to. He too is a misery guts and also stinks.

But I have held on because I can't bear the thought of sending the kids to him where they'll be bored out of their minds and barely looked after or fed. My eldest has just finished school and I have been setting this as the point I need to get to to get this all done with.

He's 9 years older than me and I think he will really struggle on his own. He is not in love with me, and he knows I'm not in love with him, which I told him almost five years ago, but here we are still. He has an easy life with me running the house and looking after the kids as well as working full time, so any 'love' he has is the love for his wife-and-kids facade that he clings to.

I feel terrible for even considering leaving him, for his sake and the kids, but how long do I put myself through misery and loneliness out of duty alone? I don't need to, and neither do you. Please try and get away if you can. Start again. You are allowed.

@ShySharks great advice thank you. Yes, I think visiting a solicitor very soon before i do anything is definitely the way forward. Glad you are happy now xx