Depressed and grieving husband doesn’t want to be with me anymore

[Lonelyandgrieving]

Hi,
my husband and I have been together for 12 years (since we were 16/17). Got engaged on our 10yr anniversary (well technically the day before as he was so excited he couldn’t wait 10 more mins to propose on the actual day), married 8 months after that and got pregnant (planned) in the middle of wedding prep: announcing the pregnancy at the wedding. baby was born 6 months after the wedding.
my FIL, with whom we were both very close, was diagnosed with cancer in 2019 and had a 4yr battle with this. He passed away 08/23 when our baby was 5/6 months old.
Since just before baby was born, I could feel a shift in my husband. This seemed to coincide with the news that FIL was terminal, no more treatment, hopefully he’ll be able to meet his grandchild. Husband started pulling away from me more since baby born, admitting that he felt numb about 6 weeks postpartum. I first mentioned I thought he might be depressed when baby was only 2 weeks old but husband didn’t think he was. I was explaining the impact of his actions on me (I was suffering with mod/severe PP anxiety myself) but just wanted him to be open and honest with me and wanted him to talk to me like he always had done. He has never been one to hide his emotions from me. I let him know that his actions made me feel like he didn’t want to be with me anymore- which he insisted was not the case.
He started counselling and mentioned how he’d been feeling to the gp (I suspect more to appease me) but I don’t know if he’s painted an accurate picture. His memory is all over the place too.
everything got so much worse (understandably) since his dad passed away. I was so sure he was depressed but he kept denying it, insisting he was not. He is a shell of the person he was and does not find enjoyment in anything he used to other than work. I do not expect him to ever be the same person again after this loss and he knows this.
he realised and told me on our 12yr anniversary he no longer wants to be with me with me- no capacity for this currently which I understand to an extent but he makes time for gym, his friends and threw himself into his work. Why no time or effort for me? I feel he is underestimating how many new parents go through the roommate stage and need to make an effort to reconnect. Loss of connection doesn’t necessarily equal loss of love. He says he still wants me as a friend, enjoys my company, finds me attractive, and is in awe of me as a mother- but there’s just something missing . I’ve asked him how he expects there to just be an emotional/romantic connection without any effort and not spending any time together.
He has finally in the last month or so (after a year of me expressing my concern) realised that he’s depressed. I hate to see him hurt like this but it’s somewhat of a relief that he’s finally realised this. However, he needs to move out to work on his mental health. I feel it is silly to make any big decisions right now in new parenthood and grief but he just doesn’t see his feelings (or lack thereof) or opinion changing soon or at all.
can someone really fall out of love from a happy relationship- within a year of getting engaged/pregnant/married? I just can’t accept it.
feels too coincidental that it must be the grief/depression. I hope he starts to feel better and he has space for me again to put effort into being us again and a family as he always wanted.

Or it could be that pregnancy/birth has put him off - he sees you as a different person, a mum first and it's made him feel alienated or inadequate - you said he is in awe of you as a mother.

Or has he had his head turned by someone else. That frequently happens during pregnancy as well. If he throws himself into gym & work, and has the drive/desire to move out, I'm not sure that says depression to me. It sounds more like another woman. Sorry.

I have thought all of this. He says he does compare himself to me and feels he’s not enough of a father. Feeling lost that he doesn’t have his dad now to guide him and share this time with and being more absent in his grief and now helping care for his mother who is also not in the best of health.
i do think that my anxiety in pregnancy/PP didn’t help as I needed more support than he was able to give to me.
as for another woman- it’s something we have discussed a lot. I have seen him break down to me telling me he wishes he didn’t feel the way he does but he cannot help it, that hurting me and seeing what he’s doing to me without a reason is causing him more anguish than losing his father at times. I truly believe he would tell me if that was the case at this point as would give me an answer and allow me to start to process and move on. He just wants to be alone away from me and will not talk to his family either - he is living with his mum. He just isn’t thinking about the future at all at this point. Only looking for reasons to life for everyone else- saying he ‘wants it all to stop, it’s all too much’
i hope I’m not being taken for a fool but I do trust that there isn’t anyone else currently.

When men are depressed they tend to think their family/partner is better off without him. What help is he getting? And what support are you getting?

I lost my very beloved Dad early last year and I'm still not myself, OP. My Dad had a very short and intense battle against cancer, and his final weeks were horribly unkind. I'm struggling to blend those awful moments with all of the better ones, if that makes sense. And I probably wasn't very easy to live with in those early months if truthful. Grief is long complex and bewildering life companion.

However he also needs to be aware that he's treating you very unfairly. I would find a quiet moment where you can be honest without blame, and tell him that you both need to engage with some support here if you are to save your marriage. I'm sorry you're trying to manage this on top of a young child, it must be very upsetting

I was shaking my head through your post OP. How come these men manage to make it all about them and somehow manage to justify leaving a marriage and a young baby on the basis that it's all so hard and he's just so depressed and anxious, the poor Diddums.

I have no answers OP because you can't change a person or make them do something but time to get tough I think.

If he's not happy and he's not prepared to work at your marriage and be a good husband and dad, then it's time for him to leave because you need to look after your baby, get your career sorted as well as look after yourself without him bringing you down.

I have two friends whose husbands have gone into depression and moved out when their fathers died. Both marriages had children.

Both of these husbands came back and they have been together happily for more than a decade after.

I don’t have any advice sorry.

@mamaison this gives me hope. Hopefully not falsely! Thank you

@LizzieBennett73 sorry you had to go through that. It’s horrible to see the ones you love suffer.
I know he’s not going to be the same person and a long process- he feels everyone expects him to have ‘gotten over it’ by now but I’ve assured him I at least do not. I just want to be there for him but he doesn’t want that right now.
i asked about couples counselling back in the summer but he wasn’t ready- didn’t feel he could until too late. We have been going for a couple months but he’s adamant he no longer wants this and reduces to entertain it might be the depression/grief talking

I hope he realises he’s not actually happy without me and can get to a place to work on things.
he’s started counselling again and going to try meds. I will be starting counselling soon too and have very supportive family and friends
thank you

@THisbackwithavengeance He’s not leaving the baby- just me.
he has made postpartum about him in a way but he didnt/doesn’t have the mental capacity to make it about me: watching his brave, strong father suffer in pain and become so weak he couldn’t hold our child.
‘poor diddums’ seems very unforgiving. He’s become a dad and lost his dad within 6 months. He’s so depressed he’s having suicidal thoughts/ideation- I’m trying to think of it as I wouldn’t give up on him if he had a physical illness so I’m not going to yet with his mental struggles.
I do not question him as a dad at all- he is there to parent every day and dotes on our child. He’s just not as happy or present in the moment as we imagined, understandably.
He’s moved to his mum’s for now so not stringing me along- it’s me not wanting to give up.
i’m back at work- have a good career that thankfully pays well and he is still contributing a larger portion of our finances than I. He is trying to make this as easy for me as possible. I’m really trying to just focus on myself right now. It hurts so much but I’d much rather he be alive and here for our child so I just need to get on with it, I know

I suppose you need to learn to put yourself, your mental health and needs before his for a bit.
I can understand why you think he's not of sound mind to make such big claims but there is a chance that he does know what he wants and it's taken the big life events for him to realise.
It doesn't make him a bad person but maybe the guilt of admitting his feelings etc is causing the depression too.
I am so sorry and it must be awful but I think you need to try to move forward without him for now and try to care and love yourself as a person in your own right (you have obviously been with him through your formative years).
If it's a temporary thing for him then you can try and rebuild the love and trust but I don't think trying to convince him of his own mental state etc is going to be healthy for either of you.
I hope you have good people to lean on x

I agree with all of this. This is what I’m trying to do now.
I acknowledge this might be it but don’t want to accept it yet as everything is so fresh. I just don’t understand how feelings like that having just got married can switch off so quickly.
he doesn’t feel like a relationship with anyone right now not just me so don’t know why he can’t see that when it’s something he wants again it can be with me if the same effort is put into us as it would need for someone else anyway.

If he does get well and wants to rebuild I'd say it's really important that he demonstrates understanding of what this has done to you, it's not all about him, what he wants or decides.
I wish you the very best of luck, you sound incredibly caring and are doing the best you can- things will get better ♥️

OP I feel for you, and him. He's lost his own father just as he's become one himself. He likely feels extremely inadequate and there is no-one to give him advice. Does he have uncles that might be able to help him navigate his way through? This may be just a case of absolutely awful timing.

That said, this must be hell for you. Living with and dealing with someone in the grip of deep depression is one of the hardest things you will ever experience. At a time when your life should be full of joy and excitement, this bastard of an illness just sucks the joy away and literally leaves you gasping for oxygen. It sounds like you're an absolute rock in his life, even though he's not living with you at the moment.

Have you asked him outright whether he is considering suicide? I have a friend who was a Samaritan and his advice regarding another friend unknown to him, who is also in a very tricky place, was to just ask because it can help diffuse a situation, take away the secrecy and just blow some fresh air into their thinking. It does sound like he needs help. My best advice, if you have the spare funds, is to get him to a psychiatrist. They're not cheap, but they work and a handful of sessions - just 3 or 4 - gets to the nitty gritty in a way that a year of counselling just doesn't. It depends on how worried you are for his life. Only you know that. Sending you strength.

I’m trying to think of it as I wouldn’t give up on him if he had a physical illness so I’m not going to yet with his mental struggles.

But if he had a broken leg that he wasn't doing anything about fixing, would you put up with it?

It’s harsh to say but the dad he’s grieving wouldn’t respect his behaviour now. As a father and life partner he is letting his family down.

Sorry OP. Maybe just let him go and let him realise the reality of what he’s doing, and see what happens.

But I’d be so tempted to say, what do you think your dad would think about your behaviour now?

True, but he is going to counselling and going to go on medication so we’ll see.

As someone who has suffered with depression my whole life, I think to some extent what he is doing right now is hopefully going away to try and rebuild himself. It is incredibly difficult to do this whilst living with the expectations of others (even when the other person says they have low / no expectations). It's so hard to do but I would use the time apart to work on yourself too. Keep the door open in case there is a chance of reconciliation down the line but try not to waste these weeks / months just waiting.

Couples therapy would be a must in the future for me, to allow you both a safe space to create new boundaries for the future.

Find a way to keep in touch with him about day to day life, could be emails, picture messages etc but for now I wouldn't message him about how this is making you feel because it will likely only add to the depression.

Sending strength to you. I hope you update the thread and it comes with a happy ending for you all.

Hi OP I think what is going on is as follows:

A his father dying has created an unimaginable void and he is too depressed to be a parent to a needy baby and to be a husband atm
B but his moving out suggests his father's death has given him an only here once attitude and he wants to live his life for himself mainly
C He has fallen out of love
D He has had his head turned
Or any number of combinations of the above possibilities.

Either way, the desire and action to move out would make me close the door on it and I would feel I had no choice but to stop ruminating and move on emotionally.

You need to for your baby as I know you know.

Sadly just because someone was in love with you once it doesn't mean it was supposed to last forever. Although I know that must he v hard to hear.

Look after yourself I know how tough this can be xx

Ps rhe going to work / the gym / out with friends is what would infuriate me tbh. Many depressed people would struggle to have the energy do these things.

Sounds tough. You've grown up together. He's always had an anchor. His Father. You. Now perhaps he's floundering between the security of an anchor and the loss of that security, while still feeling ''stifled'' by the security of marriage.

None of this labyrinth of thoughts is unusual but also, none of it is your fault.

I'd be tempted in your shoes to just say to him, look, I acknowledge your pain but I'm not responsible for it and I can't fix it so you need to figure out what you need on your own.

I know you have a child, his child, and it's not fair, but often it's the confusion and the resentment that makes ordinary life so hard. Let him go, split up and focus on that part of growing up that is growing up on your own as a single person you need that too.

xx

No kids involved. But similar just over a year ago my partner of 10 years out the blue broke up with me. No idea if there was someone else there could have been and it went wrong (he told me there wasn’t but it’s easy to just say no) however slowly we are reconnecting. He had a breakdown earlier this year admitted he may actually be depressed and is starting counselling first proper session tomorrow. Who knows if we will work out or not but I’m willing to give it a shot. Imagine it’s a lot harder with a child involved, but we gave each other space to work through stuff and like I said slowly rebuilding

I think it's the combination of losing his dad and the sudden massive life change of having a baby - it's a lot to deal with especially as he's now depressed as well.
My friend's a counsellor and she said you should never make big life decisions when you're depressed.
If I was him I'd give myself time to recover from the depression and grief and make efforts to rebuild my relationship before throwing it all away.
However, you can't make him see sense. This is all very difficult and tough on you. I'm sorry you're going through this.

The pair of you are only 28 years old or so? Maybe you have just run your course as you were very young when you got together? Sometimes a death makes people reassess their life. I'm not saying it's right but maybe this is how he feels? After saying that one of my best friend got with her husband at 14 and they have been together now for 54 years!

Completely. His dad would be shocked and saddened by this and my husband knows this too. I feel saying this would be kicking him whilst he’s down though. He’s already aware so wouldn’t achieve anything unfortunately