Depressed and grieving husband doesn’t want to be with me anymore

[Lonelyandgrieving]

Hi,
my husband and I have been together for 12 years (since we were 16/17). Got engaged on our 10yr anniversary (well technically the day before as he was so excited he couldn’t wait 10 more mins to propose on the actual day), married 8 months after that and got pregnant (planned) in the middle of wedding prep: announcing the pregnancy at the wedding. baby was born 6 months after the wedding.
my FIL, with whom we were both very close, was diagnosed with cancer in 2019 and had a 4yr battle with this. He passed away 08/23 when our baby was 5/6 months old.
Since just before baby was born, I could feel a shift in my husband. This seemed to coincide with the news that FIL was terminal, no more treatment, hopefully he’ll be able to meet his grandchild. Husband started pulling away from me more since baby born, admitting that he felt numb about 6 weeks postpartum. I first mentioned I thought he might be depressed when baby was only 2 weeks old but husband didn’t think he was. I was explaining the impact of his actions on me (I was suffering with mod/severe PP anxiety myself) but just wanted him to be open and honest with me and wanted him to talk to me like he always had done. He has never been one to hide his emotions from me. I let him know that his actions made me feel like he didn’t want to be with me anymore- which he insisted was not the case.
He started counselling and mentioned how he’d been feeling to the gp (I suspect more to appease me) but I don’t know if he’s painted an accurate picture. His memory is all over the place too.
everything got so much worse (understandably) since his dad passed away. I was so sure he was depressed but he kept denying it, insisting he was not. He is a shell of the person he was and does not find enjoyment in anything he used to other than work. I do not expect him to ever be the same person again after this loss and he knows this.
he realised and told me on our 12yr anniversary he no longer wants to be with me with me- no capacity for this currently which I understand to an extent but he makes time for gym, his friends and threw himself into his work. Why no time or effort for me? I feel he is underestimating how many new parents go through the roommate stage and need to make an effort to reconnect. Loss of connection doesn’t necessarily equal loss of love. He says he still wants me as a friend, enjoys my company, finds me attractive, and is in awe of me as a mother- but there’s just something missing . I’ve asked him how he expects there to just be an emotional/romantic connection without any effort and not spending any time together.
He has finally in the last month or so (after a year of me expressing my concern) realised that he’s depressed. I hate to see him hurt like this but it’s somewhat of a relief that he’s finally realised this. However, he needs to move out to work on his mental health. I feel it is silly to make any big decisions right now in new parenthood and grief but he just doesn’t see his feelings (or lack thereof) or opinion changing soon or at all.
can someone really fall out of love from a happy relationship- within a year of getting engaged/pregnant/married? I just can’t accept it.
feels too coincidental that it must be the grief/depression. I hope he starts to feel better and he has space for me again to put effort into being us again and a family as he always wanted.

I think it’s more a distraction so he doesn’t have to think about the loss/hurt and keep his feelings suppressed
whenever we would talk about things he would completely breakdown to me
so part of me feels he’s just avoiding me to avoid the emotion about everything

@SallyWD this is exactly what I say
don’t think it’s wise to make any massive decisions right now
I’m trying to give him the space and want to for the sake of our relationship- I know this is needed if we have any chance at all, it’s just impossible with a 1yr old- I shouldn’t have to do it alone and he doesn’t want to miss out on our child either so no time to miss me really

@hairbearbunches thank you
it’s so complex isn’t it- can’t even begin to comprehend that feeling
no uncles- his brothers are older (FIL was their stepdad but more of a dad to them than their own) and are struggling themselves- one trying to avoid relapse to addiction and the other lives 3 hrs away and going on holiday a lot. So all the admin and looking after his mum has fallen on my husband despite him being the one losing his father.
awful timing! I don’t feel this would be happening if dad hadn’t passed or had a child- just both together is too much
He was looking of life insurances would still pay out but said he wasn’t at the point of actually doing anything. It was this that made him realise he was depressed
thank you I’ll keep in mind about psychiatrist- I don’t think he would be receptive to this right now

'He is a shell of the person he was and does not find enjoyment in anything he used to other than work. I do not expect him to ever be the same person again after this loss and he knows this.'

'...but he makes time for gym, his friends and threw himself into his work.'

If he is so depressed that he is a 'shell' of his former self, why is he putting what little energy he has into his mates and the gym?

Don't get me wrong - exercise has been a lifeline for me when I've hit rock bottom. But I wouldn't put it before my marriage and our child. And I certainly wouldn't have been out with my friends while my partner was sat at home worried sick about me, wondering if our relationship was going to last.

It sounds like he's already made his choice.

I wish he could answer that. He’s not going to the gym more than before- just maintaining his usual routine and a necessity for his mental health.
And seeing his friends is only once a fortnight or so, so not that often but I’ve asked if you’re okay to go for a meal (he’s not out drinking, just catching up, talking) with them then why not with me and just try to have a good time, normal conversation as a couple rather than just mum and dad. He is mainly meeting his best friend who has also lost his father (albeit not a close relationship)
i say shell because he rarely smiles or laughs. He does not have much of a sense of humour right now. He sold his gaming stuff that he always enjoyed and doesnt want to watch the f1 that he loves. He’s closed off to his family too- won’t talk about his dad to his mum even and doesnt talk to or play with his niece and nephews. He won’t even stroke our cat that when we got her cried a little and loved her so much.

he had the day his dad passed away and the day after off of work and then the day of the funeral- coping mechanism? Distraction?

If your DH is feeling depressed, now is a really bad time to make any decisions which could have a lasting impact.

Would he consider renting somewhere close to get some space while he works through things. How that looks can be agreed between you - coming over daily or a couple of times a week, or possibly a separation if he needs that to get the emotional space he needs.

I hope you work things out.

As harsh as it sounds, you just need to leave him to get on with whatever he has going on and focus on yourself and your DC. Make sure he is still doing his fair share of parenting and make sure he is paying you maintenance as well.

I am cynical because of my own experience (and I have also lost a sibling recently to cancer so i get how much grief can fuck you up). But what was your relationship like before you had DC? Were you a mother to him? Was he the focus of all your attention? You mentioned he wasn't able to be there for your when you were anxious during pregnancy - what was that about? I've seen far too many men in real life (never mind on MN!) who cannot cope with not being the centre of attention after the children come along.

I'm afraid, like some pp, I don't see how someone suffering from depression is going to the gym, going to work and socialising with friends. It just seems too convenient that all these parts of his life are carrying on as normal and the only part of it he doesn't want to carry on is his relationship with OP.
I've no doubt at all he has been affected by his father's death. But it has been remarkably common on MN to see OPs describe their partners/ husbands similarly pulling away during pregnancy or shortly after birth. And most of those don't have the death of a loved relative to explain it. Generally it is the man deciding he doesn't want the commitment of family life or had his head turned or some other reason.
It's typical that OP is expending all this energy worrying about her DH when she has carried his baby, experienced the birth, is caring for the child and has also had anxiety and post partum mental health issues. Why isn't he there for her? Why is it always the woman who has to care for the man but he doesn't fulfil his role in caring and supporting the mother of his child. It makes me angry.
I've had a lot of experience of mental health issues so it's not that I don't sympathise with someone with depression. I know how debilitating it can be. But I'm not convinced depression about his fathers death is the real reason for him wanting out of the relationship.
It is such a shame OP when the time with your new baby should be a happy one for you.

Hi OP I totally get why this is confusing but stilp the behaviour doesn't seem consistent and it really does sound as though he has checked out of the marriage. You may never know the reasons why but emotionally my advice would be to detach from him and stop worrying about him as soon as possible and instead channel your energy and concern into yourself and your baby. Get some therapy if you can and cry when you can. Look after yourself x

I think this especially because I actually had a phobia of pregnancy and birth and knew how anxious I would be during/after. I had to go to counselling to get to the point we could try for a baby. I would have been happy adopting but he desperately wanted his own bio child so I did that for him (I did want to too in the end but he was the main motivation for me)
just feel used

Yeah this is what we’re doing
just shit
he said last night he doesn’t feel we’re compatible anymore. How can you say that when not even tried and when we both aren’t ourselves struggling with depression, anxiety and loss.

I know how much it happens but confusing but he was the one wanting this more than me. I wanted a marriage but didn’t feel it necessary for a committed relationship. He proposed to me and wanted to celebrate our love with a proper wedding and he was desperate to be a father to his own bio child- I had a phobia of pregnancy and knew how anxious I’d be- I’d have been happy adopting as first choice. I feel I’ve made so many compromises and sacrifices for things he ultimately wanted but he can’t just wait a little bit and put some effort it. Really messes with your self esteem.
no we’ve always spent time separately with friends and family and time alone, acknowledging how important that is. He actually did more of the housework cooking etc than me and we’ve always been there to emotionally support each other- he felt i was the only one he could be himself with and talk to about anything. We were happy- the marriage and child wasn’t an attempt to repair anything we genuinely wanted a family life together.
it was just after the convo with his dad that he might not be alive for the birth of our child that he started to withdraw so wasn’t as emotionally available as I know he would have been. Everyone is saying about his life carrying on as normal expect for the relationship but he has withdrawn from family too- he does not want/provide emotional support from/to anyone- he just wants his dad. He will not talk about how he feels or his dad. He is only supporting practically/physically to anyone. His friends don’t need emotional support from him. Work was affected with his memory being worse and was making mistakes and said it was a distraction.
it just feels like he doesn’t have the emotional availability/capability to care for anyone.
he went from just needing to care for himself and for me to caring for himself, me, his dad in the last few months, his new baby and his mum- then all the admin stuff once FIL passed. Something was going to give and our relationship is the only thing he had any control over

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s a horrible situation for both of you, however you need some self preservation right now and maybe it would be beneficial for you to take a step back.

Rather than meeting up and talking with him daily, cut right back. Tell him you will always be there for him if he needs you and wants your support, however he thinks you’ve grown apart so for now unless he needs you it’s best you keep communication to a minimum. Tell him he is welcome to see DC, but he can’t just drop in everyday as and when he feels like it. It should be more of a pick up and drop off situation for now, if you can even get someone else to do the handovers for a little while.

This is the approach I’m trying to take, just so hard when it’s been my life for 12yrs- my whole adulthood.
we have a set schedule when he’s coming- does breakfast with child on the days I’m working whilst I get ready and comes to help with bath/bed in the evenings on the days I’m not so he sees her everyday and has her Saturdays whilst I work.
So difficult to think about having to give up time with my child in the future from his choice

@Lonelyandgrieving, the whole situation is unfair for you and I’m so sorry you are having to go through this.

Is it possible at the moment him coming into your home once a day, either in the morning or at night isn’t helping you? It’s not giving either of you a clear break. He’s around you both once a day so isn’t getting the opportunity to really see what being without you will be like or giving him the opportunity to miss you. You are also seeing him daily, which isn’t giving you breathing space or time to reflect.

Is there anyway he could take your DC out, instead of coming into your home? Maybe pick them up from nursery, take them back to his Mum’s for dinner a couple of times a week and then drop them home for bedtime.

He is still helping do things around the house too
I really struggle with organisation and get overwhelmed easily - I suspect I may have inattentive adhd which he thinks too so is understanding on that front. He doesn’t want me to struggle more with doing all the house stuff too but I do want the space for him to hopefully miss me. Unfortunately it’s me who will miss him more and struggle alone.
our child is with my mum at our house one day so I do evening then and to spend time with my mum and brother, with his mum another which I have been doing the evening for too- this is the most likely to need changing, another nursery which he does pick up but my dad comes over for tea then to see me and child so husband doesn’t stay for this either. I think I’ll need to ask if dad can come on a different day potentially and let him do that evening. i just don’t want to not see my child for a full day of I’ve been working though. Just not fair

This website is very helpful, you husband is depressed and in the Fall Out stage -
https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/depressionfalloutmessageboard/
This forum is really supportive