How to tell teens we are divorcing - handhold needed

[pinkredblue2022]

STBXH and I need to tell our DC (19 & 16) we are separating and ultimately divorcing. After putting it off for as long as we can we have decided to do it tomorrow.

I am sure they have had their suspicions for a long time but I am still utterly dreading it and feel so sick.
We will also have to all be under the same roof until the house sells so it needs to stay as amicable as possible.

I just dont know what to say or how to say it - they are going to be devastated. Would really welcome advice and exoereinces 😔

Oh God I can only hope they are

The main thing is to not ask them to get involved or take sides and also to accept that their emotions could be all over the place for quite some time. You are getting to choose this, they are just going to be told - even if rationally they are fine with it, emotionally it is a lot to process.

It certainly will be from my side. Ex is very angry at me but we are both agreed we need to get through this as best we can for everyone's sake.

How do I word it - don't want to bullshit but equally not make it brutal

We can't help you work out what to say without knowing more about the circumstances!

Will your younger child not be in the middle of/about to start their GCSEs? Is it the right time to tell them, if so?

Can you wait until the 16 year old is a bit older?

You might have noticed that your dad and I are not getting along. This has been the case for a while. We are quite unhappy and despite trying to fix it, we think the best thing for all of us is to separate. That doesn't mean we don't both love you because we do. That won't change. This is a big change for you though so we want to answer any questions you might have. Don't worry if you can't think of any just now.

Why is your H angry at you?

Are you in the UK op? Because tomorrow is Father’s Day and I think I’d probably not do that on that day, just as I wouldn’t on Mother’s Day. Have they both finished their exams?

Following as my d-day approaches - waited until 16yo was finished GCSEs so telling them next weekend after 3 months of trying to keep a lid on it. Difference is with us that it is not amicable, it is massively destructive and painful with numerous affairs and many years of manipulation. No idea yet how we are going to handle it but we will try to agree something.

Exams all finished and it's his idea to do it tomorrow whilst we are both at home all day.
No affairs, no major relationship drama, we have just had a lot of stuff to deal with over the last few years and have grown apart. The love has gone.

He thinks it is all my fault and it's me tearing the family apart but the truth is he checked out a long time ago

I totally agree with poster above about tomorrow being Father’s Day - I would avoid special days like this as it could have negative repercussions for their future. My MIL had a friend whose dad announced on Christmas Day that he was leaving the family for another woman, and Christmas was forever spoiled for her friend. I know it’s not the same as Christmas Day obviously, but I would avoid if possible.

Good luck to you, if you can bear it it would help hugely to know what you ended up saying to them. But understandable if you can't x

So sorry to read this. I feel it's like ripping a plaster off and nobody wants that but ultimately it's for the best.
I handled my own parents divorce really badly and am projecting massively

My teens wouldn't have a clue that it's Fathers Day, it was yet another thing I arranged for everyone. I don't think it has anything near the same significance as Christmas

Good luck OP. My 18 year old said "at last, thank goodness". He had been telling me to divorce his father since he was about 14 🙁

You loved each other once! Have you tired marriage counselling? X

Several times

I would suggest if there are any exams to postpone until after, but I think the very fact you are trying to get this as right as possible in what are difficult circumstances speaks volumes about your parenting and character. They will be okay in the long run and ultimately better for having happier parents. All the best xxx

I empathise with your concerns OP.

IMO it is very important not to offer blame and avoid personal attacks. I realise that with older DC this is tricky- as they are naturally going to ask why. However, unlike in most of life I am not sure that a detailed honest answer is applicable here. I think you can say it is complicated and multi factorial. You could also say that there has been no affairs or similar. But the overriding message is you cannot stay married any longer and that this would not be happening unless you were very definite about that.

I would very strongly suggest that beforehand you and H sit down and agree what you are going to say, and how you will answer any questions. If you are both able to put the needs of the DC first in terms of breaking the news then your H should agree to this. If he uses the news-breaking it to lay blame, or defend himself he isn't putting the DC first- that is using the situation for his own means.

I'd explain to DC that they are your absolute priority, you love them unconditionally, they have every right to be upset and / or angry, and that any happy times you've shared as a family will never be erased and will always be very important to you.