How to tell teens we are divorcing - handhold needed

[pinkredblue2022]

STBXH and I need to tell our DC (19 & 16) we are separating and ultimately divorcing. After putting it off for as long as we can we have decided to do it tomorrow.

I am sure they have had their suspicions for a long time but I am still utterly dreading it and feel so sick.
We will also have to all be under the same roof until the house sells so it needs to stay as amicable as possible.

I just dont know what to say or how to say it - they are going to be devastated. Would really welcome advice and exoereinces 😔

Told my teens in march - quite similar situation- 18 yo very pragmatic- note wasnt doing a levels, 14 yo sad but managing - we are still in same house but one of us goes away alternate weekends and I am out a lot!

I would avoid Fathers Day too if you can.
Can it not wait a week?

It's hard. I cried when we told ours because they cried (both term girls).
My advice is discuss how things will look thoroughly with your husband beforehand in case they ask questions. For example, it was early in the year when we told ours but for some reason they wanted to know what Christmas would look like going forward! We hadn't actually discussed that between us.
Yours may have questions about where you will both live in the future, how that will look etc.

Just make sure you and your husband are both on the same page, don't promise future arrangements if you aren't sure about them and impress upon them that you both love them completely.

teen girls!

One other thing to add - don't be sure they know what's going on.

I thought our two would suspect but we had done such a good job of never arguing in front of them etc that they were both completely floored. Hence the tears.

Teenagers are notoriously self absorbed so they may not be as clued up as you expect.

I can't pretend I have all the answers, the only plan I currently have is to get the house sold and move somewhere local big enough for the 3 of us. DH wants to the same and ideally they will come and go between us.
DS is at uni
I will just try to be as honest as I can and keep reiterating that they are our priority

I have a couple of friends whose parents divorced when they were teens and it was very tough on their adolescent brains. I’d really prepare for them to be deeply upset and blindsided by this, even if they “seem” ok. If you want to be proactive I would recommend assigning some money for them to have some counselling/therapy if they would like to talk to someone about their feelings who doesn’t have any “skin in the game” so to speak. I’d let them know that that’s an option that’s there for them.
I also remember reading this article on Cup of Jo earlier in the year - the comments in particular may be useful to you.
https://cupofjo.com/2024/03/04/the-script-we-used-to-talk-to-our-kids-about-divorce/

Yes, there's no way you can know it all now so all you can do is be honest about that but make sure they know their needs will be a priority in your decisions - which i'm.sure you will.

I just meant be prepared for left field questions and be prepared to say you don't know yet rather than promising things they want if you don't.
It was rocky for us at first but our kids got used to it & we generally co parent well. And my exH was a cheating, selfish arse but we still made a pretty good fist of it. Our kids seem stable and happy.

Good luck!

As long as you and your husband are civil with each other, you listen to your kids & let them know they are a priority for both of you & you don't force them into situations they don't want to be in they will be fine.
Yes, they will be upset, yes they might probably prefer you to stay together whatever your relationship was like but it is possible to guide your children safely through these choppy waters.
Don't take on guilt here, if your relationship is over it's better for the kids in the long run if you end it in a mature, civil way. xx

I’m just listening to an episode of the scummy mummy podcast with Dr Angharad Rudkin all about how to tell children. You can google it. I’m researching ahead of telling ours. Good luck

I remember agonising over this for so long. It’s an awful thing to have to do but rest assured children get over things so quickly.

I read that children tend to blame themselves so I think it’s important to say none of this is their fault and there’s nothing they can do to influence the decision. You’ve fallen out of love with each other but you both love your children very much and that will never change.

i hope it goes well.

My younger dd said "what kept you so long" to me, she was convinced we should have split 10 years earlier! Mine were a tad older but just be truthful and don't badmouth the other parent

This is pretty much what we said to ours.

I think at that age I'd be as open as possible. The kids need to feel comfortable in asking any questions, whether it's straight away or when they've had the time to process.
They might have a shock reaction. I cried at school the day after I was told about my DPs separation, but I very quickly became OK with the idea. It was more the aspect of change than sadness that my parents didn't want to be together. Remember, they will be worried about who lives with who and where; how often will they see non-resident parent; they will wonder about affairs, and they will worry about their parents being lonely. It's really important that they don't feel that they now have to look after/parent their parents.

BTW, splitting up was the absolute best thing for our family. I was far, far happier when they were apart, though I never once heard them argue and it was never a house of conflict. I saw my mother bloom. I will always be glad that she was brave enough to model the importance of happiness.

Following as I'm in the same boat and dreading it. Good luck OP x

Did you tell them today, OP? Hope you're doing okay.

So we told them. Very emotional and said although they knew things weren't right never thought it would come to this.
DS is normally a closed book but he was very upset as was DD.

Both spent time with their friends last night and seem exhausted today. Being so gentle with them.

I never want to have to go through anything like that again with them but have a level of relief it is finally out in the open

Following for advice. DS16 has just finished his GCSEs and I told myself this was the point at which I'd have the conversation, first with dh, then with the kids, but I can't bring myself to do it. Prom coming up, results day, starting college, it's all more things I don't want to disrupt or ruin.

I know what you mean - never a good time

Mine is a lot younger and I knew it would be a complete out of the blue thing for them. Similar circumstances to you though in that there is no animosity, no dramas, we just don't work together. We told them that while we worked perfectly as parents, we simply didn't work as husband & wife.

We've been honest and said we don't know the answers to all of their questions; it's new territory for all of us but that we'll navigate it all together and learn as we go.

It was the most awful conversation I've ever had to have, but afterwards I felt a huge weight off my shoulders that it was all out in the open.

Oops, accidentally quoted the wrong post!

Are you the OP but under a different name?
Glad it went ok. It is a very hard conversation to have but better once it's done x