Is his counter offer reasonable?

[FrankTurnersCat]

After a long time waiting, I told H I wanted a divorce this morning (waited for DD to finish GCSE'S). Reasons - gaslighting narc who leans toward rascism & homophobia.

I saw a solicitor in April who confirmed my thought of me keeping the house & him keeping his pensions (equity in house = pension value) was valid & the quickest, cheapest route.

He's refused this as it leaves him with nothing immediately. He's 55 in Oct '25 so can access pensions then.
His counter offer is I buy him out AND he keeps his pension... somehow I feel that this is somehow wrong? He then very generously said hed sign a clean break so wouldnt come after the inheritance i'd be due from my mum / step dad (mum died 2 years ago)

I'd have to get my stepdad to "gift" me the money from my future inheritance for a start as I oddly don't have £100k lying around.
I will be calling the solicitor for an appointment on Monday but I just wondered what MN thought.

Am I going mad? Whilst tempted to agree just to get him gone, it just feels very very wrong.

Do you legally have the money from your mum yet or is it your step dad’s. (And he could leave it to the local dogs home if he likes?)

If you don’t have the money then that means that he is getting half the equity and all the pension so 75% of the assets.

Do you have a pension? Are you similar age to him?

If you don't have the inheritance now then it can't be considered. A clean break is usually applied anyway.

A court would consider access to cash so that he can house himself so whilst splitting the way you suggest is fair (if 50/50) it might not work if he needs a deposit for a property.

It could get you buy him out and you get similar value from his pension. The pension would have to be valued which is costly and takes time.

Most pension schemes only allow 25% tax free at 55 so would that be enough for him to buy a house outright? Although the house and his pensions may be the same value on paper, the tax and how you can access the money has implications and therefore how actually valuable they are at a given point. How are your pensions factored into your planning? Presumably you'll need a pension too?

I can understand him not wanting to be left with nothing at the moment, homeless without assets at 55 isn't a pleasant thought. You buying him out and then him keeping his pension doesn't sound fair either. I think it is a back to the drawing board moment.

Is the house paid for?

He’s not unreasonable to want to end up with some cash and pension but he’s being unreasonable to think that he should have half of the equity and all of his pension. He also needs somewhere to live and his age might limit the amount that he can get as a mortgage.

Are there other assets like savings ? What’s your mortgage capability like ?

House isn't paid for - approx £100k mortgage on £300k value
I don't have the inheritance now - and he is fully aware my step dad could change his will at a moments notice.
I am younger, 44. I do have a pension but only about £12k as I didn't start one properly until I was 37 - usual story, part time, young children etc.

He's just let slip that his dad will have a flat to spare to rent to him in 6 months time.

Sorry. Missed the last bit of your post. I now earn just over £35k p.a

Try to wait till he has seen a solicitor. I spent thousands trying to get my ex to agree finances and he was saying he wants way more than half assets and extra on top. He was absolutely convinced he was being more than fair and I was F**king him over with my offer. After I spend a few thousand and got nowhere I gave up. Now a few years later he wants to re marry and is trying to divorce me and has actually seen a solicitor and has made the exact offer I made when we first split based on his solicitors advice. I think sometimes they need someone out of the relationship to tell them what is reasonable before they will believe it

Hell no. If he wants half the equity then it’s half his pension as well.
Be prepared that if he’s going to be this unreasonable this early on then it’s likely to get ugly and that you might need to sell the family home and split the equity just to keep him happy, taking half his pension in the process. He probably doesn’t like the idea of you getting to keep the home and be the stable base for the kids. Don’t make him think you are desperately attached to keeping the house or he’ll use this against you.
As for inheritance, if you haven’t come by this money already then it’s not yours (or his!) to mentally spend. The courts won’t count this as a marital asset, because, well, you know… your step dad is still alive and it’s HIS money, and nothing concrete to say it’ll ever even be yours.

Neither you offer or your ex’s is fair. Yours may be the best for you, but it isn’t really fair on him as it doesn’t leave him with any of the money available now to get him a property. The anecdotal flat wouldn’t be taken into account. His offer also isn’t fair as it leaves him with 75% and you 25%. You need to meet in the middle really.

Even if you get some inheritance if it isn't used towards family finances in can be ring fenced from sharing though it will be recognised that it gives you access to funds. As you may never receive it that's a bit of a red herring anyway.

You split the value of the pensions and other assets once you actually have the assessed value of the pensions.

Honestly medium to long term a pension sharing order and you buying out some share of the house could be the better option.

The only true “fair” thing is that you each get 50% of the equity and 50% of the pension.

If you both don’t want to do this then you need to work out how much £1 of pension is worth to each of you.

I think that everyone can agree that £1 of pension is worth less than £1 of cash. But how much less. If you are both thinking rationally then £1 of pension will be worth more to him than to you. (Because of your respective ages.)

So decide in your head how much pension you are willing to give up for each £1 of cash. If he offers you that or better then go for it. If he doesn’t then just keep repeating “I think we should have half the equity and half the pension each”.

Surely divorcing tomorrow doesn't give him a right to half an inheritance of a currently living relative?? This Is absolutely ludicrous. Why would be be allowed to chase you 3 years after a divorce for an inheritance you did not know you were going to get or not??

You would only inherit the money long after the divorce was final and that's if you were left any money at all. He's having you on.

OP that's absolutely insane and I'm pretty sure future inheritance can't be counted as yours upon divorce but before your relatives have yet died lmao

Do not buy him out of that house, if you have to take half of the pensions and everything else he has got aswell and start looking at what he will inherite from any relatives, if that's even legal. (If it is it's absurd)

Go to court if you need to because he's being completely unreasonable. Take half of those pensions and then pay it back to him for the house, if that is what he wants.

He's trying it on with you. Do not allow it. If he wants a divorce before you have inherited any money he's entitled to absolutely none of it.

Has he now, tell him if he's chasing your inheritance you will be chasing his aswell, that should shut him up 😆 🤣 😂 what a joker

I don't blame the poor bloke for rejecting your "offer" - the fact you even presented that to him is actually insulting. 55 years of hard graft he put in his home, only for you to allow him to keep his pension but make him homeless? I don't think so.

Perhaps make arrangements to sell the home and divide everything 50/50.

Maybe correct but to suggest something that isn't even possible isn't right either. I'd take him for everything he's got tbh. I'd buy him out of the house but I'd take half those pensions aswell. He would regret trying to screw me over let's put it that way

Sadly he showed his true colours by discussing something you don't even have yet !
You have had legal advice, tell him to do the same.

and maybe you will be asking for 50% of his father's flat as that will be
inheritance one day...

OP you should approach the bank you maybe able to remortgage enough to buy him out on the promise that any money from the pensions will be used to pay down the mortgage. You still have 23 years left of being able to get a mortgage so along as you meet the affordability requirements for a remortgage you will be fine and can pay it back down with his pension money.

The issue for you is that he is about ten years older and ten years off retirement. You are 20 years away from retirement. This makes your offer unreasonable, possibly more than his. But you are both arguing over a relatively small pot of money. It’s not worth spending a lot on legal fees.

p.s. do make sure the divorce is finalised on a ' clean break ' as clearly in the back of his mind he is looking forward to the non received yet inheritance.

Without wishing to drip feed, he spent nearly 3 years in prison 15 years ago & I have been the higher earner & put more money in since. I understand he has earnt for longer but thanks to my father dying 18 years ago, I've matched him £ for £ into our properties along the way. It was also thanks to my father that I was able to pay equally during my part time years & pay all nursery etc.

Having read all your thoughtful replies and I really am grateful, I am going to look to just simply 50 /50 everything. And contact a solicitor

How is this Even possible? I've Googled it and it says it isn't? If I got divorced tomorrow and recieved the decree and then won euromillions or an inheritance 2 days after. The ex spouse could come after that?

@Mummy2024 a divorce ends the marriage but you need a financial order, stamped by the court, to end financial connections. In the case of young children a judge might order a period of time where either party (but usually the mother) could go back to reopen finances. Otherwise a clean break is ordered which finishes all financial claims on each other, forever.

So if you got a decree but no financial consent order and then won the lottery, yes your ex could reopen financial discussions. There has to be a basis for a new claim it but significant change in circumstances after a short period would likely qualify. An illness, job loss, significant change in finances could be basis for re-opening financials.

There have been some high profile cases where finances are re-opened down the line if no clean break clause.