How do I show I'm the better parent in mediation?

[Stefan1980]

Hi all,

My OH and I are splitting after 5 1/2 years. We have 3 children. The eldest 2 are her children/my stepchildren from her previous marriage. We are not married. They see their biological father every second weekend for 2 nights.

Our youngest is our child together. He is 3 (4 in October).

She does not work and has not worked since April 2023. I cover all the bills and we have agreed I will be buying her out of her share of the house. I do not have parental responsibility for our eldest 2.

I do have parental responsibility for our youngest and, ideally, I would like his primary home to be with me (my wish is for 11 nights out of 14 and then 3 nights with his mum). I have a well-paid job and can work from home. I do, and always have done, approx. 50% of the housework and often do school runs, trips to cubs etc. with the kids. My OH is chaotic and often clothes are not washes, are the wrong size (I am often not aware so have to rush to buy clothes or shoes) bedding gets washed every 2-3 months at best and the house is generally chaotic. I would prefer my son to stay with me as his primary home as I can provide for him financially, emotionally and educationally (I'm a former teacher and university lecturer). I believe she can provide for him emotionally but do not believe she can support him on other ways and, over the past year, she has often complained that she struggles to care for the 3 of them, despite being a full-time parent with 2 kids in full-time education and help from me.

Am I being unreasonable in not accepting a simple 50/50?

What do I need to show at mediation to prove I'm the better primary care giver so I can be happy my son is cared for?

Sorry but you haven’t given a reason why care shouldn’t be 50:50.

the hygiene issues apply within the household and therefore to both of you.

This

Is your OH buying clothes/shoes that are the wrong size, or is it that neither of you realise they have been grown out of? Not clear from your op what the issue actually is?

Getting behind on washing, buying clothes etc is such a minor issue- nowhere near serious enough to warrant depriving a child of 50% contact time with his mum. Go for 50/50

Exactly.

Nothing you have stated suggests that 50/50 wouldn’t be in the best interest of the child. A child should not be taken away from their mother because she doesn’t change the bed sheets often enough.

You yourself state that you did 50% of the housework. Then go on to say that the house was chaotic, clothes weren’t washed or the wrong size, bedsheets not changed often enough etc. So you were 50% responsible for all of that also!!

I don’t think you can say you do 50% of housework and yet the house is chaotic and the bedding only gets washed every 2 or 3 months and clothes aren’t washed. Unless it is 50% of not very much at all! If you are the more responsible parent why doesn’t your 3 1/2 yr old have age appropriate clothes it’s not like they are a baby growing out of sizes every couple of months, a trip to a shop every 3/4 months is surely sufficient? I wouldn’t lie or exaggerate in mediation if I were you.

If the house is chaotic isn't that 50%your fault?

I think you need to let go of showing you're the 'better' parent, be gracious and try to keep this amicable, and accept 50:50 by sound of things.

50/50 sounds like the best thing for the child. You don’t sound like ‘better parent’ and your main priority should be what’s best for the child and that would be equal time with both parents (nothing you said suggests she’s a terrible mother).

Your screwed sorry because of her other two children. They won't split your shared child away from their sibling . But 50/50 would likely be the outcome.

Why are you not washing the bedding more frequently than once every 2-3 months?
you say that you are doing 50% of the housework but 50% of very little is very very little.
no point criticising your ex if you aren’t doing any better either.
50:50 seems fair especially as the bond between siblings is important.

Wow

This. Absolutely.
Why is she solely responsible?

Is there any possibility that she actually does all of the crappy nasty housework that you haven't even realised has to happen in a household? And that because you don't do this horrible stuff she leaves you the easier stuff?

After many many years of being the sole loo and bathroom cleaner, along with being the default schedule keeper I have to confess to trying this tactic. My stbxh obviously never looks down or up in our house, not sure he's ever cleaned a hard floor or dusted/decobwebbed in the last decade. And don't get me started on the magical oven, fridge and freezer fairies that he believes keeps said appliances sparkling.

So your idea of 50% of the housework may well be the flaw in this situation.

Sounds like you do 50% of sod all really.

You've got this all wrong. Just by stating that you want to be perceived as the better parent, you’re showing that you’re trying to use power against your ex-partner rather than focusing on what is best for your child.

If a mediator knew you were doing this, they may be concerned about potential abuse and control. The mediator would be obliged to consider terminating mediation which isn’t appropriate in such circumstances.

You want to bring your best self to mediation? Be genuine recognize what enrichment you bring to DC life. Leave your stbxout of the conversation.

OP, would you intentionally deprive your 3yo son of his mum 11 days out of 14?

Wow! YABVU! Why would you do that to a child? That in itself tells me you are not the better parent. Try to remember, what counts is what is best for your child, not what you want.

You cannot care for a child while working from home, so that doesn't really come into it.

If you are currently living together, why aren't you changing the sheets more often. You aren't 'helping' your other half, it's your job as much as it is hers. If she's spending all day looking after your 3yo, then chores get done in the evenings and are down to both of you. You're meant to work as a team.

Incidentally, sheets not being changed every week doesn't even come close to neglect in court terms. And children grow out of clothes. Having to nip out and buy a new set of trainers because your child has only just told you the old ones are too small, is entirely normal.

A chaotic life style may not be to your taste but it can be loving and secure for a child to grow up in.

Go for 50:50, ensure your child has access to both his parents, and his siblings, and try to keep things amicable. That will be far better for your child in the long run.

I do, and always have done, approx. 50% of the housework (...) often clothes are not washes, are the wrong size (I am often not aware so have to rush to buy clothes or shoes) bedding gets washed every 2-3 months at best and the house is generally chaotic.

Just listen to yourself here. 50% of sod all sounds about right.

Court will see that your ex, as SAHP, is the main carer for the children and will take that into consideration along with everything else. I think 50:50 would be a good outcome for you.

Its not about being the best parent it's about the needs of the child. If you both want to be majority carer you'll likely end up with 50/50. You'd have to prove there were strong and compelling reasons that it was in your child's best interests to spend so much more time with you and so much less time with their siblings. The court will have no interest in who the 'best' parent is. Its not a competition its about your child's needs. The court is also likely to take account of sibling relationships. If your ex is willing to agree 50/50 Id go with that not take on a long and expensive court battle you're unlikely to win

Change the bedding.

While you do that, I’ll prepare your certificate for buying clothes for your dc.

What do I need to show at mediation to prove I'm the better primary care giver so I can be happy my son is cared for?
You don't. Mediation is an impartial process. The mediator is not there to take sides or dictate what each should do. They will facilitate the process of communication between the two of you to help coming up with with a reasonable outcome you can both live with.

If you are not prepared to listen (and be listen to), consider various option on the basis of what is best for your child, mediation is not for you.

Why is it you don't realise he has grown out of his clothes? This could only be that you rarely dress him. It doesn't sound to me as if you have your child's best interests at heart, wishing to drastically limit the time he spends with his mum & siblings. The court will question why, if you feel she is an unfit parent, are you willing to let your child be in her care at all.

Yes YABU. 50/50 is what is best for the child. Whilst your post shows you are a good parent initially, the other parent is not a bad parent. Wanting your child to have less time with another parent than you is not keeping their best interests at heart unless there are significant legal reasons why this should happen.
Do not unreasonably drag yourself, child and other parent through mediation / court - the best you will get is 50/50 and this can easily be sorted out of court.

There are no 'winners' in this aside from the mediator receiving your money.

This (but without the apology)