How do I show I'm the better parent in mediation?

[Stefan1980]

Hi all,

My OH and I are splitting after 5 1/2 years. We have 3 children. The eldest 2 are her children/my stepchildren from her previous marriage. We are not married. They see their biological father every second weekend for 2 nights.

Our youngest is our child together. He is 3 (4 in October).

She does not work and has not worked since April 2023. I cover all the bills and we have agreed I will be buying her out of her share of the house. I do not have parental responsibility for our eldest 2.

I do have parental responsibility for our youngest and, ideally, I would like his primary home to be with me (my wish is for 11 nights out of 14 and then 3 nights with his mum). I have a well-paid job and can work from home. I do, and always have done, approx. 50% of the housework and often do school runs, trips to cubs etc. with the kids. My OH is chaotic and often clothes are not washes, are the wrong size (I am often not aware so have to rush to buy clothes or shoes) bedding gets washed every 2-3 months at best and the house is generally chaotic. I would prefer my son to stay with me as his primary home as I can provide for him financially, emotionally and educationally (I'm a former teacher and university lecturer). I believe she can provide for him emotionally but do not believe she can support him on other ways and, over the past year, she has often complained that she struggles to care for the 3 of them, despite being a full-time parent with 2 kids in full-time education and help from me.

Am I being unreasonable in not accepting a simple 50/50?

What do I need to show at mediation to prove I'm the better primary care giver so I can be happy my son is cared for?

You would hope that the way to seem like the better parent would be to actually BE the better parent. Which, by attempting to frustrate the course of fair and just mediation in the best interest of the child, it would appear you OP are not. This isn't a battle ground and you don't need tactics and sleight of hand to prove yourself better. Instead it should be a means to achieve the best outcome for your child during what can be a very traumatic time (parent's separation) you should do everything in your power to keep your relationship with ex cordial and to keep your child's life as consistent as possible. 50 / 50 would seem like the ideal for that outcome.

Well, why don't you change the bedding?

And 50% of no housework = no housework.

HTH.

Trying to outmanoevre your GF during mediation is no way to approach it, BTW.

The mediator will know that you're trying to be controlling. It won't go well for you.

Why don't you change the bedsheets now? If you think you could do it parenting alone?

OP you're not seriously considering working from home with a small child in the background?

I can predict exactly how this is going to go down..

Mediation will reach an impasse as mother will quite rightly refuse your proposal.

You will be pig-headed enough to take it to court, convinced that the court will be duped by your nonsense claims of neglect.

Cafcass will do their checks and speak to you (by phone initially) and will see right through you. They will recommend 50/ 50 at best but if you continue to obstructive and put your bank balance above the best interests of your children (because that's what this is about right?) you'll be lucky to even get that.

100%

Is this a reverse, OP?

50/50 is the starting point and often the finishing point, because a child is the equal responsibility of two parents.

The way I understand this is, you work 100% and do 50% of all housework that needs to be done. And your OH doesnt work and also doesnt do any housework or just very little? And youre worried that if you move out the house will be even more chaotic than now?

I get your point, i really do. But it wont be reason enough to split your child from his mum and siblings.
I wont be a good look to even ask that. You should want whats best for your son and his family are definitely part of that 🤷🏻‍♀️

I concur.

And your OH doesnt work and also doesnt do any housework or just very little?

I think STBXP looks after the 3 year old during the day? But I’m not certain.

I think your OP makes you sound deluded, like you think you have a genuine case, when what you are saying reflects worse on you than on anyone else. If you go to court or mediation and say these things, you are not going to look like the "better" parent, quite frankly, you are going to look like an a*e. This is my disinterested perception of the way you have presented yourself on here