Sexless marriage?

[barefoot101]

Anyone on here separated from a sexless marriage? Whilst I don't think sex is the highest priority when been married for two decades...a relationship without ANY intimacy at all just feels like being married to a best friend. I recently called time on it and we're in the process of separating. It feels so very sad, but having no intimacy at all has just ground me down (we've talked about it a lot over many years but no change...). When parenthood then throws us curveballs, we're not united enough to be able to deal with it and this leads to arguments (probably fueled by a build up of resentment on my part). To salvage our 'friendship', this really is the right time to begin anew.

Would love to maybe hear shared stories/strength from others who have had the same experience and what it was like moving on...(btw all is very amicable and hoping to remain friends after the split to help with our teenage children).

Are you male or female? Not sure it should make a difference but it may,

Female

I am not in the situation but I wish you luck and I hope you can stay friendly.

Although you have called time, does he accept it?

Similar situation here although there are other serious issues too. Thing is, the other issues might be fixable with intensive effort and counselling but I don't think the lack of sexual chemistry and compatibility is. We tried but it was always a disaster area.

I was 'fine' (ish) with it for years. He used porn and I ducked periodic crushes on other men. It sort of worked until I fell mutually head over heels in love with someone else and the chemistry was amazing. I never meant to have an emotional affair but it happened. We didn't take it further because of various circumstances. But it made me realise too late how things are meant to feel between partners. It makes it hard, maybe impossible, to go back to my marriage and work on the other things.

I told my husband about it and the other serious issues and said I wanted a trial separation to see where our heads are at after some time apart. Will also be interested to hear other peoples experiences.

I believe that sex is the glue that keeps you together, it’s what differentiates your relationship to one with other people. DH started having problems when he developed anxiety, and then went on antidepressants, but he never addressed it. I got frustrated, then decided that there was no point having bad sex, so I just stopped. He never questioned it. Our relationship deteriorated and we are now two people who live in the same house, separate bedrooms.
I want to separate, and that will happen soon, but I hope to stay friends as he’s a good guy. Just not a good husband anymore.

I lasted 2 years in the marriage after the sex disappeared, not that it had been anything special.before that. As a pp said, serial attraction is the glue of a relationship and I agree.

My new partner ironically has a neurodisability that means sex can be challenging but we are thoroughly enjoying working our way round it and having sexual chemistry with someone again is bliss!!

Thank you. He is devastated, there have been a lot of tears on both of our parts, but accepts that I deserve more/he cannot give me more (it's like he has no fight left in him). It's a very sad situation really, we love each other very much but just not in the way we should I guess.

I’ve been with DH over 30 years, so it’s going to be hard to end it with someone who has been in my life so long, but the kids are adults now, and I don’t want to live this life any longer. I’m not sure how much better it will be without him, but I need to try it, to see if the problem is me or him.

Sorry to hear that. I completely get you on the realisation of being too late thing... my husband said I probably should have called time many years ago (which hurts to be honest!) but said he has huge respect for making such a brave decision now finally. How did yours take it? Sending positive vibes x

How did he take it? Brave decision. If you're anything like me, feeling absolutely terrified on the one part, but quite liberated and almost excited on the other! Did you think about separating when the kids were younger or have you held off until they are adults?

Absolutely it does on MN.

Man not interested in sex: "get him down to the Dr's, the wife has needs"

Woman not interested: "he should leave her alone, the sex pest,and do more housework"

Pretty predicatable responses here.

Have a lot of sympathy for OP and partner though....

Ive told him twice before that I’m not happy and want to end it. Both times he’s promised to change, but no. I just can’t see why he wants to stay with someone who has said they don’t want to be with him!
Each time something has happened to make me stay, like lockdowns and A levels, but now I’ve no excuse. This will financially crucify me, and make life harder, but I’m determined to try without him.
Sometimes I worry about money and seeing the kids, other times I look forward to doing the things I want, when I want.

I am in the process of doing it now. A big part of it is that it was sexless. Together 15 years, I’m 36. I feel too young to have given up on sex, intimacy and romance. There’s lots of reasons why the sex has gone. Kid, affair (him) resentment as he never helped with our soon / hour stuff.

someone on here said to me it’s okay to end your marriage for this reason. and it is!

we tried sex therapy, couple therapy, I tried forcing the sex. I actually cried during sex the last few times (we had sex maybe 4 times a year) I couldn’t go on : (

it’s been so sad and hard but I feel your pain xx

He didnt take it as well as Id expected. I thought he also wanted out but I was wrong. There's lots of talking to do but stuff has been pushed under the rug for years.

Why do these men want to stay when you are saying you’re not happy? And they say they’ll change, and then don’t. Why not just agree to end it?

Namechanged to join this thread as it really feels like a new beginning. Similar situation here: we've been together a looong time. We've been on a loop pretty much our whole relationship: periods of okayness, then deteroriating communication followed by shitness, then a period of reckoning, he goes for therapy (difficult childhood, lots of attachment issues!) then things are better for a while and around we go. I've been the boring stable one the whole time (steady jobs that don't exactly set my world on fire but I earn good money, pay the bills and keep a roof over our heads!) whilst he "works things out".

Obviously there's a been a huge emotional toll during this time and after kids I just gave up. I got to experience true unconditional love from my kids and learned that I have enough time and energy for the wellbeing of everyone, but can't carry him any more and really need someone who can help to hold me up from time to time. He's on antidepressants at the mo' and when he first returned to therapy it was about me and him "fixing things" but only a few weeks later he was back on Grindr, suggested I go on Tindr (he was thinking "open relationship" but the Tindr thing backfired because although I haven't met anyone it gave me a chance to think about how things could be with someone different) so I've finally put on my big girl pants and said enough. TBH when he last went on Grindr I was hoping he'd meet someone, fall in love and finally get the balls to leave. That didn't happen so we've muddled along for another year or so. It's rubbish.

The final straw for me was at a friend's memorial service recently. She was younger than me, with two small children, and her husband said that they made each other so happy and that time they spent together was the best time of his life. I cried so hard and decided I can't have another 25 years like the last lot. X says all relationships are based on lies (he says there are partners of friends on Grindr![ and doesn't understand why I'd want to put myself in that position when I could be perfectly happy in our sexless and loveless (we're more like siblings) relationship, but I've said, well, I'll take my chances settle for a year of what my friend had. Sorry for the ramble. That's where I'm at.

My partner is scared shitless of being on his own. I'm a warm, stable environment - and have played my part by living in hope that things will work out. He's a good person but also a broken one that I finally realise only he can fix. While he's with me he hasn't needed to take the final leap into becoming a wholly self-sufficient grown up!!

I've come to think mine dismisses any expression of unhappiness as just me being in a mood that will blow over.

I agree. That’s where I am at ! I have made the break and I am so much happier already, although it’s hard. You’ll meet someone and I think look back and can’t believe you did this for so long. I already feel myself moving on. I can’t be in a sexless, romance less marriage!

That's good to hear!

This is exactly what happened to me. Partner showes no signs of affection or caring and i raised issued within our marriage 5 years in a row only for it to be ignores and burried. Essentially felt very unloves. Then met someone at work who I had feelings for that I had never felt, and made me realise how love should be. Now seperated 8 months and just happier in myself and want to pursue the love I have wanted for a.long time.

I'm not sure relationships with no imtimacy work. I think it's a animal desire we all have. My relationship was much the same as yours- it became a twice yearly activity, fueled by drink and over in minutes. It wasn't ever good enough to persue.
We met young, married young. I hadn't slept with or even kissed anybody else, nor had he. Kissing I found horrible, my face would be covered in his slobber. He said it was because I wasn't doing something right. Sex lasted minutes, I'd get going and he's finish and roll off basically. Again, me not being able to climax was either because I can't and there's something wrong with me, or it was my fault for a lack of tolerance him using his fingers on me like he's some bloody human blender.
5 1/2 months post partum he insisted we had sex to get "back on the bandwagon." I had a 18 hour label, 99th percentile head baby, episiotomy with no pain relief which then got infected. It wasn't ideal. That "sex" was the single most painful thing I endured and he wouldn't stop. My mediator referred to it as r@pe- we discussed it together. He first admitted it and apologised, now he says none of this happened and I am wrong in the head.

Ended up meeting somebody else, was like I had never been kissed. It was mindblowing and I didn't need to towel myself off after like a Labrador had a go on me. Sex too was the same. Nothing that I was lead to believe was my fault was ever really down to ne. I'd lived for 15 years if not more with gaslighting and this level of toxic emotional crud, deprived of any intimacy because the "man" doesn't know what the hell he's doing and needs to project that on to me.

Intimacy is now very important. I value it hugely in a relationship as it makes me feel loved, everything from a hand on the back and a kiss on the cheek, snuggles on the sofa, and an actual mututally bloody awesome adult sex life.

A sexless marriage is psychological torture so demoralising and demeaning that words cannot express it.

I personally know four couples in RL who have no sex (the wives have told me). They are, without exception, close, happy and spend all their time together. They are older (late 50s) though so I don’t know if that makes a difference (although my 87 year old widowed mother says she still misses it!)

I don’t know how those people really feel about it behind closed doors but they all do still look devoted to each other. I think it matters more for some than others.

I'm considering ending a sexless relationship but is so hard as we get on so well. DD is ten and I have no idea how we could explain to her why we are splitting.