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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

DD Is close to not wanting to live with XH

41 replies

BusyWren · 06/06/2024 07:56

XHs parenting is getting gradually worse and I can see that DD (13) is likely to want to shift from the agreed amongst ourselves 50:50 to most of the time with me. Her dad is pushing her away :(
What would happen at this point? I don’t have spare cash, but should I do something legal at that point or wait to see if he tries to fight it?
I also have concerns about the care of DS who’s 10 and regularly left alone (I’ve offered to have him) and whose welfare food and drink wise doesn’t seem to be looked after there.

OP posts:
LordSnot · 06/06/2024 07:58

At 13 her wishes would be listened to if he took it to court. Would he bother?

Mouswife · 06/06/2024 07:59

I would go back to family court and get them to look at the situation. It’s not working and things for the kids need changing.

Original poster
BusyWren · 06/06/2024 13:32

Mousewife- we’ve not had anything to do with courts except very basic divorce. Where do I start? Solicitor?
Should I just write to him stating my concerns and suggesting I could support more?

OP posts:
aodirjjd · 06/06/2024 13:34

If you’ve never been to court to arrange this I would just call him and express her wants. It’s then up to him to go to court if he wants to do differently. At 13 they won’t force her anyway.

LordSnot · 06/06/2024 13:44

It would be madness for you to instigate court proceedings or to suggest it's your job to "support" him. If he wants to keep a relationship with his daughter, he needs to do all the work.

FunLurker · 06/06/2024 13:46

Who is the resident parent? As in who gets the child benefit? Do you both work and provide equally?

cestlavielife · 06/06/2024 13:46

Do nothing
Let dd choose
If he wants to fight he can go to court

10 year old..teach him healthy habits to counter exh

Original poster
BusyWren · 06/06/2024 17:59

I’m not sure who the resident parent is as we both work and pay 50:50 of their costs and have them live with us 50:50.
However Ive always claimed the CB.
I have offered to have DS so he doesn’t have to be home alone and he refuses. That’s the sort of support I’d like to offer.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 06/06/2024 18:28

Ds is left alone at home ? For how long? He
is 10 so can manage?

Original poster
BusyWren · 06/06/2024 21:40

He is left for several hours at a time about 4-6 times a week. Including going home from school to an empty house. In his case I don’t feel it is good for his wellbeing, and offered for him to come to me as I work from home so he wouldn’t be lonely.

OP posts:
Original poster
BusyWren · 26/06/2024 20:19

As predicted DD doesn’t want to stay with her dad anymore. She’s been with me the last week or so while doing school exams but they finish soon and I guess I need to tell him it’s not just a temporary thing for revision.
She doesn’t want to go into reasons with him first off, but I don’t want him to think it’s my doing.
Any suggestions how to broach it? Or do I just woman up and say it how it is: “DD doesn’t want to stay at yours at the moment.” And leave it at that?

OP posts:
Orchidlie22 · 27/06/2024 06:16

Get your daughter to tell him

Andwegoroundagain · 27/06/2024 06:22

I'd just keep it factual. "DD wants to stay here for a bit longer" and then suggests he speaks with her.
On your other child, not sure you can do much and I'd steer clear of criticism of his parenting style/choices. Encourage your DS to speak up and ask foe what he needs food wise and express wishes. If DS is lonely or wants to go to yours then you can help him find a way to express this but I'd be wary of directly interfering

Aussieland · 27/06/2024 06:26

Orchidlie22 · 27/06/2024 06:16

Get your daughter to tell him

That is an awful thing to do

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 27/06/2024 06:28

BusyWren · 06/06/2024 21:40

He is left for several hours at a time about 4-6 times a week. Including going home from school to an empty house. In his case I don’t feel it is good for his wellbeing, and offered for him to come to me as I work from home so he wouldn’t be lonely.

Stop offering. Tell him you aren't in agreement with him being left alone at that age for that long and therefore he needs to come to you.

Orchidlie22 · 27/06/2024 06:32

@Aussieland why is it an awful thing to do?

autienotnaughty · 27/06/2024 06:39

Speak to your dd find out what she wants then either text or ring him (which ever most appropriate) and state the facts.

Onus is on him to go to court if he wishes things to be different. They will listen to her wishes so he's unlikely to get anywhere.

I'd also check in with your son that he is ok with being alone.

With regards to who's main parent . Even in 50/50 there's usually one person who claims CB, makes the day to day decisions with school etc, takes them for routine appointments. That person would be considered the resident parent.

Does he pay maintenance? If your costs are not equal you are likely to be entitled to it.

Original poster
BusyWren · 27/06/2024 07:18

DS says he is ok being left alone but does not remember to look after himself. He called yesterday after being home for 1.5h and hadn’t had a drink in that time. His behaviours and traits are such that he needs prompts for this.

I do get CB and do all dr and dentist appointments.

OP posts:
Andwegoroundagain · 27/06/2024 07:24

Help your son develop strategies for remembering to drink eg set an alarm or something.

You just won't get anywhere saying that DH is neglectful because a 10 year old doesn't remember to have a glass of water. Sorry that's just the reality.

All you can do is parent well yourself, help your DC develop coping mechanisms and when they are old enough to make decisions then support them

Original poster
BusyWren · 27/06/2024 10:01

The DS situation is more as background.

I call him to remind him and keep him company when he’s lonely via the phone (even when I’m supposed to be trying to work).
DDs living arrangements and managing that is my main concern - I also know if XH sees it as I have ‘won’ DD he may be even less inclined to listen to suggestions about DS as that is the pattern I’ve seen previously.

OP posts:
FeetLing · 27/06/2024 10:06

That’s not on that you’re offering to have DS so he’s not left alone but ex puts a stop to it. I’d go an pick him up anyway and tell ex when he’s ready he’ll have to come to yours to get DS. 10 is too young ti be left alone for hours on end several times a week, especially when you’re available.

olderbutwiser · 27/06/2024 10:11

I had similar with DD - we didn’t do anything legal about it, I just sucked up the costs. It was an acrimonious split from a controlling XDH who was angry and humiliated about the split and could never see that he might be at fault in anything, and I just didn’t have it in me to ask for any maintenance. DD was 14 or 15 and even he recognised she could make her own decisions about where to live.

Beautifulbythebay · 27/06/2024 10:14

Are you seriously happy a 10yo is left unsupervised? Jesus please tell ds he can see df at the weekends when he is free but the current situation is ending today.

negomi90 · 27/06/2024 10:20

Just keep them both home, let them go when they want to go. Tell DS that if dad isn't home, he's to come to yours until Dad gets home.
If your ex objects he can take it to court himself. They'll listen to the 13yo, and by the time it gets to court, your DS will be older and likely listened to as well. You also have lots of documentation as to the care he was getting there, contact time is about contact, if no contact was happening then again it will support you in court.
The most likely thing is that your ex will just grump and then not bother with court.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 27/06/2024 10:31

What would happen if ds went from school to yours every day and ex had to collect from you? Your ds is on the cusp of a judge listening to what he wanted and if he wanted to have dad pick him up from yours then it would be considered.

A judge would allow your dd to choose how much contact she has with each parent - even if it’s 0% with a parent. Your ex will naturally want to know why and if your dd is too scared to say then you’ll need to take his anger.

Is your ex the type who would take you to court? There would be no repercussions of your dd not seeing dad and the legal process may be slow enough that your son would be allowed to choose too. Your ex will look like a dick if he objects to picking ds up from your home on his days.

In the mean time you need to work on ds self care skills. Get him to be responsible for making his drinks at home in the hope that he starts drinking when he’s thirsty. Doesn’t he already do that at school or does he only drink at breakfast and lunch ?