DD Is close to not wanting to live with XH

[BusyWren]

XHs parenting is getting gradually worse and I can see that DD (13) is likely to want to shift from the agreed amongst ourselves 50:50 to most of the time with me. Her dad is pushing her away :(
What would happen at this point? I don’t have spare cash, but should I do something legal at that point or wait to see if he tries to fight it?
I also have concerns about the care of DS who’s 10 and regularly left alone (I’ve offered to have him) and whose welfare food and drink wise doesn’t seem to be looked after there.

I agree it's time to stop contact for both and tell your ExH it's not appropriate for DS to be on his own that frequently for that long.

Contact is renegotiated for DS or he takes you to court.

You are separated /divorced so you need to get into the mindset that he will only ask for help/support from you if he wants it. Ex clearly doesn’t care what you or the kids think so you need to let it go. You can’t make the relationship better because he doesn’t see a problem, never mind want your help. Support the kids and be grateful that their age means that you don’t have to send them against their will.

Because she is still a child, and the priority is on the children's welfare and wellbeing. It is emotionally harmful to put pressure on a child to conduct adult conversations about child matters.

@McKenzieFriend001

I didn't mean a full blown conversation. I meant the child sending the dad a text to say she doesn't want to stay at his. That way it empowers the child and their decision and also there is no blaming the mother that's it's her that's stopping contact.

In similar circumstances I worked with DD to write a statement. We arranged to all meet.

She had intended to read it out but couldn't start so I started for her and then she was able to finish.

I then took her home and the next day ExH and I met up to discuss.

I see what you're saying, I really do, and it can help kids enormously to be assertive. But the potential ramifications on the child's emotional wellbeing, of the child opening up such a discussion with their father, might well cause the child significant emotional harm.

In my experience of having worked in the family court for several years now, quite often parents don't respond well to their children standing up for themselves and saying "no more". It is unlikely also that the parent being contacted by the child will believe that these are indeed the child's own wishes and feelings, and the allegations of parental alienation (alignment) and / or coercion will begin.

It's all so tedious, it really is. Because the only people who really truly suffer long term in this scenario, are the kids.

XH has told the 10 year old it is up to him. I encouraged him to come to mine but a newer faster Xbox and no one nagging him to have a drink etc is preferable to him. I don’t think he has the capacity to make that decision.

I don’t always know when he’s going to be left. It can be both after school and when his dad goes to the gym in the same evening. At weekends he’s left for errands and gym even when he would fit in the car.

Without DSs buy-in I don’t see how I can get him to stay at mine if I insist.

I wondered about letting school or children’s services know about my concerns but seems unlikely they will do anything.

The most frustrating thing is there is no minimum legal age to leave a kid home alone - it all boils down to "common sense" and "maturity".

New speedy Xbox's are a right royal PITA OP, I hear you and feel your pain. I have a DS12 who only goes because there are no limits to the amount of gaming they can do: they return grey, malnourished, exhausted and dehydrated, with square eyes, having spent Fri-Sun every other weekend gaming. Court / SS don't care: "a difference in parenting style".

Similar to your DD, DS14 is "bored of gaming" (can you believe?) so is choosing to stop going, and XH is currently kicking up a massive stink. Pushing elder DC (14) away even further.

Thanks for sharing - good to know it’s not only us having these struggles and that no one would be willing to help so no point putting myself through the stress. :(

A 10 year old can be left for a short period of time every now and then but not for several hours every day. As a parent I would not allow this neglect to happen.

Your daughter's would be able to decide where she lives now that she is a teenager. You may have a fight on your hands for your son, especially if you don't do anything to express concern for your 10 year old. In this situation I would stop contact at these times and perhaps ask social services for advice regarding the neglect.

@BusyWren - it is so helpful to realise that there are others in the same boat, honestly, right now there is nothing to stop you from saying to XH "this isn't working for the kids, it's not in DSs best interests to be left home alone for hours whilst you go to the gym / pub / nightclub, and DD would like to see you when she's not out with friends / studying / watching paint dry, so this is what's going to happen from now on....."

If he doesn't like it, and he decides to take you to court, he will have to attempt Mediation first (and you should receive an invitation to mediate) which you could then try, to put across your children's wishes and feelings, but no doubt he won't listen and will obtain a MIAM certificate from the mediator, and pay the £267 court fee to raise a C100 to start child arrangements proceedings.

The courts are currently inundated, no joke, so by the time you actually get your First Hearing (FHDRA) having spoken with CAFCASS (children and families court advisory service - all of which are ex Social Workers), your kids are going to be at least 6 months older than they are now.

The older they are, the more their wishes and feelings bear weight in the family court.... there aren't many judges / mags out there who make orders for 13 going on 14 year olds, I can assure you.

I'm afraid social services aren't going to intervene because a child of that age is being left alone for a couple of hours and has forgotten to have a drink of water which is freely available from the tap.
The standard of parenting had to be pretty dire before SS etc will kick in

I would love to know how you would stop a 10 year old going to their dads house when they have been told to do so by their dad.
I have clearly expressed my concern and offered to cover the time after school. I have been told ‘he’s fine’.
i am left trying to parent him remotely by making sure his phone is at his dads by the time he gets home and hoping he will answer the phone. I can’t physically remove him.

I would keep a log of all the time you are aware of that DS is being left home alone. It will help build up a pattern of behaviour should you end up in mediation and then court.

How long before your DS does something like watch inappropriate internet content at Dad's etc.

I would be tempted to intervene and collect DS from school and force it back to mediation and court tbh.

This. Just let them both come home to you and go to their dads when they want. Which maybe weekends or the odd evening for dinner.

Ime ss won't care. My ex left 3 x dc under 10 home alone every Saturday night. 7 til the pub shut..