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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Is it weird to want to know where my DC is?

38 replies

Cryingemoji · 02/06/2024 18:22

Hi all

Have been separated from exh for a few months now. He's indicated that he'd like our dc to visit him at his new flat for the first time.

He's refusing to let me know the address.

Is it weird to want to know where my dc will be visiting or should I just accept that they are with their dad and therefore perfectly fine?

For context dc is 11 years old, but has rarely been away from me.

Please be kind, I am aware it may seem overprotective.

Tia x

OP posts:
ellyfb · 02/06/2024 18:23

I think you have every right to know the address.

Hazey19 · 02/06/2024 18:24

Yes you have the right to know the address of where your child will be.

CulturalNomad · 02/06/2024 18:26

Of course you have the right to know where your child is, but why is your ex so concerned about you knowing his address?

I feel like some important info is missing here....

ConfusedConfuse · 02/06/2024 18:28

You don't actually have a right legally to have his address however 11 so hardly little 🤷‍♀️ they can tell you the address after they visit. What is it you're worried about child is 11 not 1

DaffydownClock · 02/06/2024 18:30

I suspect he isn’t alone at his new flat but doesn’t want you to know that - obviously your DCs will tell you anyway!

Needmorelego · 02/06/2024 18:34

I think you should have it in case of emergency.
If he really doesn't want you to have it could he give it to a neutral person so if your son needs to be located in an emergency you can reach him.

ginasevern · 02/06/2024 18:36

No address, no visit. Why is he withholding his address from you?

surlycurly · 02/06/2024 18:36

My ex did this. I don't get the address and it drove me nuts. But I wasn't entitled to it and had to suck it up. One of a list of many things he did to upset me.

Original poster
Cryingemoji · 02/06/2024 19:02

Thanks all.

I don't know why he won't let me have the address. We're doing our best to remain amicable and I've asked if he thinks I'm going to turn up there and he said no. He just doesn't want me to know.

I've not been any trouble to him since we split if anyone thinks I'm a crazy ex who's going to go round there. I've no interest other than where my dc will be.

I think like @surlycurly I will have to accept it I guess as I can't make him give it to me, and I know my dc will love to go. I'd just prefer to have the information. It doesn't feel right to just send my dc off, even though they are 11. But maybe I am just being over the top.

I've tried to think whether I would be as secretive if the situation was the other way round 🤔 x

OP posts:
PearlKoala · 02/06/2024 19:05

Does your ds have a phone? If he does just get him to turn his location on 👀

Londonscallingme · 02/06/2024 19:07

PearlKoala · 02/06/2024 19:05

Does your ds have a phone? If he does just get him to turn his location on 👀

I was going to suggest this! Although I’d do it sneakily myself, don’t ask your kid to do anything that is a secret

VeniceVentura · 02/06/2024 19:16

If roles were reversed, you moved and your ex was demanding your new address, I'm sure the answers on here would be different.

I'm going against the grain. You can't withhold visitation because he hasn't told you his new address. You have his phone number for emergencies and I assume your DC probably does too.

ConfusedConfuse · 02/06/2024 19:18

VeniceVentura · 02/06/2024 19:16

If roles were reversed, you moved and your ex was demanding your new address, I'm sure the answers on here would be different.

I'm going against the grain. You can't withhold visitation because he hasn't told you his new address. You have his phone number for emergencies and I assume your DC probably does too.

I was going to say this and it's the truth he would be called a stalker if he used anything to track the ops address and probably get told to report him for it 🤣

VeniceVentura · 02/06/2024 19:19

@ConfusedConfuse exactly!

This honestly reads as a need to be in control.

harriethoyle · 02/06/2024 19:21

You have no right to know his address and those suggesting you use your DS to obtain his address by stealth should be ashamed of themselves. If a man came on here suggesting he do this, he'd be ripped a new one.

RawCarrotsAndSaladcream · 02/06/2024 19:29

@VeniceVentura We are not in America. It is contact, not visitation. No such word in English or English law around children of divorced/separated parents.

Do we walk on the sidewalk? no
Do we pop the hood of the car? no
Do we drive on a freeway? no

We do not have visitation either; we have family contact.

... and breathe, this is one of my pet hates.

VeniceVentura · 02/06/2024 19:31

RawCarrotsAndSaladcream · 02/06/2024 19:29

@VeniceVentura We are not in America. It is contact, not visitation. No such word in English or English law around children of divorced/separated parents.

Do we walk on the sidewalk? no
Do we pop the hood of the car? no
Do we drive on a freeway? no

We do not have visitation either; we have family contact.

... and breathe, this is one of my pet hates.

Do I give a shiny shit?

No. Same difference. It's not what this thread is about.

Original poster
Cryingemoji · 02/06/2024 19:31

Thanks for providing some clarity.

I can tell from the majority of responses that I'm in the wrong for wanting to know.

I have no intention of stopping my dc from going as I know they'll be perfectly ok with their dad.

I have been called controlling before 😞.

I'm just going to have to accept that I won't know where they are x

OP posts:
DoubIeLeopardy · 02/06/2024 19:32

My ex did this. Apparently I was "nosey" and "didn't need to know".

Fine. Wevs.

So when I moved house, I just...didn't tell him my new address. He was outraged. Apparently that was different 😂

RawCarrotsAndSaladcream · 02/06/2024 19:37

harriethoyle · 02/06/2024 19:21

You have no right to know his address and those suggesting you use your DS to obtain his address by stealth should be ashamed of themselves. If a man came on here suggesting he do this, he'd be ripped a new one.

And my mother was not told my father's address circa 1976. He took me and my siblings there on a rainy Saturday. Later, I was asked for the address, which I innocently gave her enough of for her to figure out where he was. The next morning, she dragged me there in the early hours, banging on the door, waking everyone up and proceeded to take an overdose on the doorstep, leaving me and my siblings to run to the caretaker's flat for help. Ambulance, police, embarrassed girlfriend leaving flat... etc. Super distressed kids who had no idea what was happening. He moved soon after and never took us to his home again, ruining any possibility of a genuine relationship with him until I was 17. Why do you need the address exactly? The phone gives you enough location ICE

ConfusedConfuse · 02/06/2024 19:38

Cryingemoji · 02/06/2024 19:31

Thanks for providing some clarity.

I can tell from the majority of responses that I'm in the wrong for wanting to know.

I have no intention of stopping my dc from going as I know they'll be perfectly ok with their dad.

I have been called controlling before 😞.

I'm just going to have to accept that I won't know where they are x

Again your child could tell you they are basically a teen no need for tracking devices 🙄

Trasania · 02/06/2024 19:40

My concern would be is if he’s expecting your child to keep secrets regarding his address. If he is that’s totally unfair on the child.

Wakemeup17 · 02/06/2024 19:43

Why do you need his address? It's not true that you need to know where your son is, what if they go out and the emergency is somewhere else (not at home)? He's his father so if you have no concerns about safety then what's the point of knowing?
It would annoy me too though so I can also see your point of view.

CulturalNomad · 02/06/2024 19:46

I've not been any trouble to him since we split if anyone thinks I'm a crazy ex who's going to go round there

Ok, I admit that may have crossed my mind😂

My first thought is that he's moved in with someone and doesn't want you to know. But that's not the point of the the thread, so....

Since you have no legal right to know his address the best thing would be to try to make sure things go smoothly with this and subsequent visits so you and your ex can maintain a cordial co-parenting relationship. Hopefully it gets easier over time and he won't feel the need to be so...secretive(?)

millymollymoomoo · 02/06/2024 19:50

You’re not wrong for wanting to know at all

can you force him to? No
can you stop them going ? No

pretty soon it will be out one way or the other and personally I think it’s really bizarre ( unless history of abuse /stalking or some other thing)