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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Keeping my belongings

36 replies

BookArt · 25/05/2024 17:23

So I moved out almost 4months ago with the two children and left the ex in the jointly owned home. I left slightly earlier than planned due to safety concerns, I couldn't stay the extra two days that was originally planned as his behaviour was so erratic. Two days later I went back to the house and emptied what I could in one hour in to my car.

I have given dates to discuss contents and to move out, he has refused them, the latest one was through our solicitors and he hasn't responded to the last email asking how he expects to sort contents.

I have now received an email saying he has moved all of my personal and sentimental belongings to what I always called the shack. It is a wooden garage size structure that has mice and is not weather proof. My belongings will be ruined in there and he knows this. I have said I can come and collect and will bring a third party to speed it up but also because I have health conditions(spine issue so lots of carrying is painful and the drive is really long so he knows I will struggle. Also because ex can not be trusted, he has broken things and raised his fist to me more than once.)

He has responded saying I am manipulating him and that he can't stop me but will call the police on the third party.

My solictor is on holiday until Friday. Any advice from you all?

I have considered having my third party stand at the bottom of the drive and passing them things, but it doesn't really help as I need a witness to what he says and does. The drive is probably 4 cars long and bushes in the way means it would be hard to see or hear anything even at the front door never mind in the house or shack.

He currently has supervised contact with the children in a public place and we have no interaction at all during these, he acts like I don't exist.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 25/05/2024 17:29

I would call his bluff. TBH, if he did call the police, they would likely tell him to stop being a dick and let you take your belongings. They may even end up arresting HIM if he becomes threatening.

Octavia64 · 25/05/2024 17:31

Go with a third party.

If he calls the police you are legally accessing a property you partially own,
They will almost certainly refuse to get involved (it's a civil matter) unless he is being violent in which case he'll be in trouble not you.

OhamIreally · 25/05/2024 17:34

If it's a jointly owned home and the third party is there with your permission what on earth are the police going to say?

You are the property owner just as much as your ex, a fact he appears to have forgotten.

I would go one further and INFORM the police you will be attending your property to remove your belongings and that ex has a history of threatening behaviour.

Beautifulbythebay · 25/05/2024 17:34

You can ask the police to attend with you. Exh binned all my child hood items. And all my personal possessions.. Utter cunt. Delighted he is dead now.

kittybiscuits · 25/05/2024 17:36

Definitely call the police on the non-emergency number. They will escort you to collect your belongings safely from your home. Sorry about your cunt ex. Well done for leaving

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 25/05/2024 17:50

What a dick. I agree with calling them using the non emergency number yourself and telling them what's going on. There's no way they'd stop you getting your things by whatever means you need to (ie the 3rd party person)

Stressybetty · 25/05/2024 18:02

Yes seconding that you can ask the police to attend with you to collect belongings because you are afraid of his abuse. Police turned up, parked round the corner and rang me, had a chat then walked me round to the house. They're there to keep the peace basically while you get your stuff. They won't help you move stuff so take the 3rd party to help out.

kittybiscuits · 25/05/2024 18:26

The police will also wear a body cam and if your ex is the dick he sounds like, please take before and after photos.

Original poster
BookArt · 25/05/2024 20:42

Thank you so much for all of this. I've given more than 48 hours notice and named the third party, I'll call the police tomorrow on the non emergency number so it is recorded because he will phone them.

He is saying that he feels unsafe in my presence now, that I am harassing him in his home. That he will go to court about the harassment. It's all just so exhausting.

He is just so certain and my confidence is only just starting to come back so I really doubt myself.

OP posts:
OhamIreally · 26/05/2024 08:22

I'm sorry to hear that. Keep a record of contact with him. You said you bundled your possessions into the car on one occasion and now have given notice you're going back for the rest of your things. In a four month period therefore you've been there once. To a house you own.
If he decides to take you to court you can't stop him but he won't be able to show you've harassed him.

A lot of men decide to continue their abuse via the courts - process as punishment. Try to ensure he has as little power over or contact points with you as possible.

Teflonslopeyshoulders · 26/05/2024 08:40

Rather than wait and pay for the solicitor, use the money you save to hire a man with a van. Pay them to clear the shed in one visit. It will save you having to do all the carrying and get it over with in one visit.
If you know your partners movements (i.e. They are always out on Wednesdays) pick a day when he won't be there to cause trouble

DisforDarkChocolate · 26/05/2024 08:44

Go with a third party. Find a way of you both filming and recovering what happens.

Have very low expectations of the conditions of your belongings or that he has moved all of your things.

DisforDarkChocolate · 26/05/2024 08:45

I'd also be telling the local police you are coming and of his threats.

Original poster
BookArt · 26/05/2024 11:31

So I've given him a suggestion of 4 different people who can be third party, I've said he doesn't have to be there or can have his own third party present. I've suggested an evening, or if he likes I can change to an afternoon I know he works in the office. I've said he wants rid of my things, I want my belongings so if he rejects this plan how exactly would he like to proceed...

No response. He will now ignore. I've tried my best to show I am being reasonable.

Will log with the police today. And will go tomorrow night with a friend to get everything. The only problem I have is there is only one key to the shed and garage, both are at the house. So he will probably hide them and I might not be able to access my things. Worth a shot, I don't think it will end amicably.

OP posts:
Keepthosenamesgoing · 26/05/2024 11:33

If he hides the key then you can break into the shed and leave some money to replace the lock. If it's a jointly owned property then you are not breaking an entry because it's yours anyway

Original poster
BookArt · 26/05/2024 11:36

OhamIreally · 26/05/2024 08:22

I'm sorry to hear that. Keep a record of contact with him. You said you bundled your possessions into the car on one occasion and now have given notice you're going back for the rest of your things. In a four month period therefore you've been there once. To a house you own.
If he decides to take you to court you can't stop him but he won't be able to show you've harassed him.

A lot of men decide to continue their abuse via the courts - process as punishment. Try to ensure he has as little power over or contact points with you as possible.

This is where I might be in a difficult situation and haven't explained fully.

A few weeks back I accidently sent a parcel to that house. He informed me, told me to go and pick it up whenever as I have a key, i told him I would do while he was at work the next day. First time i had been in the house since I moved out except one time when our youngest was in his car and needed an ambulance, so I was there with the paramedics.

Then last week I emailed him saying I wanted to collect some sandals, shoes, more than 24hrs notice. I went, his car wasn't there. Went in and he was there. I explained I would be quick, he said I should notify him, I said I did and apologised. I grabbed and ran. Less than 3 minutes, mum in the car the whole time on the drive. I checked my emails, I had massively mucked up, the email hadn't sent. I was in the wrong.

I then received a letter from his solicitor saying I was harassing him and making him feel unsafe in his home and that if I continue they were get a court order against me. My solictor has said they have no grounds.

Sorry, I can't believe I didn't write this before.

His behaviour escalates when he doesn't get his own way with the children. I refused last minute extra time so then I received the email about my belongings.

OP posts:
HerNameIsIncontinentiaButtocks · 26/05/2024 11:48

You were not in the wrong. You have no reason not to visit your own home.

SapphireSlippers · 26/05/2024 11:50

It's still your house too

You can go round any time you like

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 26/05/2024 12:03

Is it your house too OP? I've seen a few people tell you it's your house and he can't stop you but you've not said either way. And is he your ex husband or just 'an ex'?

OhamIreally · 26/05/2024 12:38

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 26/05/2024 12:03

Is it your house too OP? I've seen a few people tell you it's your house and he can't stop you but you've not said either way. And is he your ex husband or just 'an ex'?

It's in the OP - she says it's a jointly owned house.

So it doesn't matter if they're married it's her property just as much as his.

OP your solicitor has said your ex has no grounds so he has no grounds. I think you are going to have to go in hard here so that your ex can't drag this out. Advise him in advance that you expect him to leave a key for the shed in a specified place. If they're not there then break into the shed and remove your belongings. Get a locksmith to break in if you have to. Make sure this is the last time you have to engage with him on the subject of your belongings.

Original poster
BookArt · 26/05/2024 12:39

He's an ex, never married. I own 50%, he stayed and I got out and moved in with my mum with the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
BookArt · 26/05/2024 12:42

I've just received an email telling me I can come with a third party, but not one particular person I am related to (the only man on the list). He has clearly said I have to move everything on mine out which is great, but I can't take anything belonging to the children.
My 5 year old keeps asking for his bike, I've just told him this morning he will have to ask daddy. Almost 4 months without their toys and teddies besides their special one each that I took the day I initially moved out. Will contact solicitor again about the children's belongings.

OP posts:
MollyButton · 26/05/2024 12:57

I'd take the bike and as much of the kids stuff as possible.
Does he see the children?
He would have to go to a lot of bother to try to get it back.

Keepthosenamesgoing · 26/05/2024 13:16

BookArt · 26/05/2024 12:39

He's an ex, never married. I own 50%, he stayed and I got out and moved in with my mum with the children.

You own 50pc of this house. You can take anyone you like to come with you.

unsync · 26/05/2024 13:19

You are giving him too much control. You need to take it back. He's using your children's belongings as a stick to beat you with. You have as much right to be there as he does. Please take the male third party, he's only permitting women so he can intimidate you both. I bet he wouldn't do that to another man. You are both at risk if he escalates.

I feel for you, my ex was awful during separation and then divorce. They feel the loss of control and the abusive behaviour increases to compensate.