He's confusing me...

thirtyseven37 · 2024-05-19T21:33:12+00:00

It's very early days for us. STBEXH has told me that everything will be split 50:50 and if I want more I will need to effectively argue for it in court which, he tells me, will be expensive. I'm currently earning minimum wage whilst he is on around £70k. He says I need to improve my income which I could potentially get up to around £38k if we get some childcare in place and I'm successful in getting a new job. He's said that if I want us to complete a Form E to declare assets and then get lawyer to figure out the splitting of assets, that he won't pay any fees/costs. I feel like he's threatening me to agree with the 50:50 split. It doesn't seem fair though as I had to drop my hours to look after the kids. I also want the kids more than 50% of the time as I can't bare the thought of not being with them. Please help. I really want to just bury my head in the sand right now.

Faz469 · 19/05/2024 22:37

Don't bury your head. Start by speaking to a solicitor. Yes they can be costly but if you can prove he's trying to intimidate and bully you then they will argue for more for you. Speak to citizens advice and see if you are entitled to legal aid.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/05/2024 22:44

You can't afford not to see a solicitor with such a horror of a man. We don't know enough of the circs yet, but on just the basis of what you've told us, your salaries, you will get more than 50%.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 19/05/2024 22:47

arethereanyleftatall · 19/05/2024 22:44

You can't afford not to see a solicitor with such a horror of a man. We don't know enough of the circs yet, but on just the basis of what you've told us, your salaries, you will get more than 50%.

This. But also think carefully about not wanting 50/50. How will you manage to up your income if you have the children the majority of the tine?

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 19/05/2024 22:48

What is he suggesting as a 50/50 split? Week on / week off? Would he actually want it?

Original poster

thirtyseven37 · 19/05/2024 22:50

I think he genuinely thinks a 50:50 split is fair even though I've taken a significant cut in salary to enable his career to progression unhindered over the years. He doesn't think he's being intimidating or pushy. I feel awful and scared I'll end up loosing everything.
I'm overqualified for my current job so I can increase my earnings and still have them 50:50.

OP posts:

Original poster

thirtyseven37 · 19/05/2024 22:52

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 19/05/2024 22:48

What is he suggesting as a 50/50 split? Week on / week off? Would he actually want it?

He wants to literally split the week in half. I've suggested alternating every 3 days. I couldn't bare doing a week on and week offf.

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TealSapphire · 19/05/2024 22:56

I'd beg borrow and steal to be able to pay a solicitor. It sounds like he's hiding something - extra pension or another bank account maybe.

Tell him that you would prefer to follow the proper processes and you will not negotiate outside of that.

Original poster

thirtyseven37 · 19/05/2024 23:05

My mum has said she'll help to pay.

I just don't know how we'd go about figuring this out ourselves as I don't have a clue. Not even mentioned pensions yet...

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Original poster

thirtyseven37 · 19/05/2024 23:09

He also hasn't mentioned child maintenance : does this only come into play if the ratio of their time is not 50:50?

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arethereanyleftatall · 20/05/2024 07:01

Of course op. It might even come in to play even if you do have 50/50 care because of your respective salaries. Check out entitled to for how much.

arethereanyleftatall · 20/05/2024 07:05

I read your message wrong - 'of course' doesn't work.
I meant -
He will definitely have to pay CM if not 50/50 care. He may also have to pay it if 50/50 care. Remember that's 50% of everything he has to pay. Every extra curricular, every school trip.

Catopia · 20/05/2024 07:41

Solicitor, definitely in this scenario. It's not uncommon for a woman who is primary carer of small children to be underemployed and the court will consider the reasonableness of this in line with the children's ages. Complete the form E in this scenario it is likely to highlight the disparity in income between you. Make sure you are really clear about who is paying for things like childcare costs and items for the children, and for any shared property (mortgage, any loans on large purchases etc) at the moment. Carefully scrutinize his form E once it is received and ensure that you are not aware of anything else and if you think he is hiding assets then make sure your solicitor knows and acts on it. Make sure you keep all correspondence with him. Screenshot any messages about the divorce as soon as you receive them in case he turns on disappearing Whatsapp messages etc.

Original poster

thirtyseven37 · 20/05/2024 10:54

He's just threatened to take me off his credit card so I suppose i'd better start using our joint debit account to pay for things like shopping and petrol.
He's also threatened to stop paying my half of the mortgage and bills. I don't earn enough to cover this so not sure what I can do.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 20/05/2024 10:56

Accept your mum’s offer and call a lawyer today. Get a recommendation from someone you know if you can.

arethereanyleftatall · 20/05/2024 10:57

thirtyseven37 · 20/05/2024 10:54

He's just threatened to take me off his credit card so I suppose i'd better start using our joint debit account to pay for things like shopping and petrol.
He's also threatened to stop paying my half of the mortgage and bills. I don't earn enough to cover this so not sure what I can do.

There's no such thing as 'your half' of a mortgage. There's a joint mortgage for which you are both responsible.

Your thought process now, is to invest in a solicitor as soon as you possibly can.

Original poster

thirtyseven37 · 20/05/2024 16:45

So the consensus seems to be that I should get a solicitor involved at this stage.
He is making me feel very anxious that he will stop paying our bills and expect me to pay half even though I had to take a massive pay cut so he could continue ti work and I take kids to school.

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grumpyoldeyeore · 20/05/2024 16:45

Tell him you will want to complete Form E and that won’t cost him anything as he can do that himself. You would be expected to mediate before going to court over finances. He can cut you off financially if you’ve separated so you need to apply for UC as a single parent and get your own bank account. I wouldn’t be letting an ex use my credit card either. Are you still in the same house? Are you getting the child benefit paid to you? Do you have joint savings? I’d suggest going to citizens advice or on a benefits calculator website. You can move out with children and rent using UC until the house is sold (or he buys you out) but you should get legal advice before doing that. However this does have the advantage of him not being able to bully you about paying the mortgage where you live. It’s unlikely he would default on mortgage as it would affect his credit rating. You can also ask mortgage co for a mortgage holiday if he won’t pay. it’s better to take things slowly when someone who has never done the childcare suddenly decides they want 50:50 to see if they do actually step up and cover half the week including all the costs of that and the holidays / sick days etc or if they still expect you to leave work and pick up the slack even on their days. There’s some basic financial advice here https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation

Taurusenergy · 20/05/2024 16:48

Definitely go through a solicitor don't let him bully you into anything especially when he wants it all his way. It doesn't work like that. If he messages you again I would just say youre taking legal advice and that he will hear from your solicitor in due course.

LaurenOlivier · 20/05/2024 17:02

He's a bully OP. The reason he doesn't want to involve lawyers is because he know that it will expose him for what he is. He is trying to manipulate you into accepting a settlement that will greatly disadvantage you.

This is not just about your wage. It's also about pensions, savings, investments, vehicles, the house etc. He does not get to decide what you should get in a divorce. Let the courts decide. Because I'm betting it'll be more than he's trying to force you into accepting now.

Take your mum's offer and find a good solicitor. Keep all his messages threatening to stop paying bills if you don't agree to his demands-show the solicitor.

Everintroverte · 20/05/2024 17:08

I think if there is 50/50 split of childcare then maintenance for the children will not apply, CMS would not enforce it as per their website.

Due to the disparity in income you may get spousal maintenance if you can prove that you stopped your career to look after the kids and supported him to further his. But as a PP said, I would have a look at what you can do to increase earnings as spousal is not guaranteed.

He can't just stop paying the mortgage now so he's being daft, solicitor will help here!

FatfunandADHD · 20/05/2024 17:31

grumpyoldeyeore · 20/05/2024 16:45

Tell him you will want to complete Form E and that won’t cost him anything as he can do that himself. You would be expected to mediate before going to court over finances. He can cut you off financially if you’ve separated so you need to apply for UC as a single parent and get your own bank account. I wouldn’t be letting an ex use my credit card either. Are you still in the same house? Are you getting the child benefit paid to you? Do you have joint savings? I’d suggest going to citizens advice or on a benefits calculator website. You can move out with children and rent using UC until the house is sold (or he buys you out) but you should get legal advice before doing that. However this does have the advantage of him not being able to bully you about paying the mortgage where you live. It’s unlikely he would default on mortgage as it would affect his credit rating. You can also ask mortgage co for a mortgage holiday if he won’t pay. it’s better to take things slowly when someone who has never done the childcare suddenly decides they want 50:50 to see if they do actually step up and cover half the week including all the costs of that and the holidays / sick days etc or if they still expect you to leave work and pick up the slack even on their days. There’s some basic financial advice here https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation

Please please don't take on private rent until you are no longer responsible for the mortgage. This is not advice any solicitor should ever give for 2 reasons it

a) demonstrates you can be financially independent (which sounds like might not be the case at the moment anyway)
b) you still have a legal duty to pay the mortgage. Just because you move out does not terminate your legal contract with the mortgage provider.

FatfunandADHD · 20/05/2024 17:38

Everintroverte · 20/05/2024 17:08

I think if there is 50/50 split of childcare then maintenance for the children will not apply, CMS would not enforce it as per their website.

Due to the disparity in income you may get spousal maintenance if you can prove that you stopped your career to look after the kids and supported him to further his. But as a PP said, I would have a look at what you can do to increase earnings as spousal is not guaranteed.

He can't just stop paying the mortgage now so he's being daft, solicitor will help here!

My experience is that spousal maintenance really does not apply unless one of three things occur:

It is offered by the other party

The disparity in income is 100's of thousands.

There is little / no equity in a marriage and so the only way that a lower income (for the sake of the children) could rent or buy anything at all would be with some for of equalisation of income but this is very very rare.

My advice would be to never do your future figures based on getting spousal maintenance as it is very rarely granted.

FatfunandADHD · 20/05/2024 17:45

OP just to be clear, in regards his threat that he will not pay any solicitors fees, thats fine, at no point will you force him to get a solicitor, he can self represent if he wishes. If he engages a solicitor then that is his decision etc.

Nonewclothes2024 · 20/05/2024 17:53

Tell him you'll go back to work ft. Ask him how he sees pickup/ drop offs being done.
Get a solicitor asap.

twohotwaterbottles · 20/05/2024 17:57

Go to mediation. Any divorce court wants to see that has been tried first. A mediator strives for a fair agreement and all parties to agree. You will both have to declare all assets. You could claim spousal maintenance or pensions etc maybe. You may just want to negotiate a clean break. They help you sort the childcare arrangements too. Good luck OP. These early stages are beyond tough