He's confusing me...

[thirtyseven37]

It's very early days for us. STBEXH has told me that everything will be split 50:50 and if I want more I will need to effectively argue for it in court which, he tells me, will be expensive.
I'm currently earning minimum wage whilst he is on around £70k.
He says I need to improve my income which I could potentially get up to around £38k if we get some childcare in place and I'm successful in getting a new job.
He's said that if I want us to complete a Form E to declare assets and then get lawyer to figure out the splitting of assets, that he won't pay any fees/costs.
I feel like he's threatening me to agree with the 50:50 split. It doesn't seem fair though as I had to drop my hours to look after the kids.
I also want the kids more than 50% of the time as I can't bare the thought of not being with them.
Please help. I really want to just bury my head in the sand right now.

Make sure that 50/50 care doesn’t mean that he gets every Saturday and Sunday because that’s not fair. Start with every other weekend so that the kids get quality time with both parents and you can take them to see your side of the family.

Ask him if he wants to stay in the house or pay you 50% of the equity. (I’m assuming that you wouldn’t get a mortgage based on your earnings plus 50% of the equity so can’t afford the house on your own. )

Apply for Child Benefit

It doesn’t matter that he plans to represent himself and as you’re divorcing I can see why he doesn’t want you to have a credit card. He can start paying you Child Maintenance (use an online calculator) so the kids don’t go hungry.

You need to discuss him doing starting 50% of drop offs and pick ups if he’s doing 50/50 care. If you usually stay at home for school holidays then let him know that he’s responsible for sourcing half term childcare for his days and that he’s responsible for whole days. What I mean is if he has Monday and Tuesday then he picks up, drops off and is the emergency contact if the kids are ill. He can’t delegate that to you because it’s his day and 50/50 means he has to do 50%.

Going back to the whole days thing, if Wednesday is his day and holiday club starts at 9am but he starts work at 8am, then he can’t drop off the kids at your house and have you take them to holiday club. He needs to find childcare that fits his working hours or pay someone to look after them or take them to holiday club.

Please try and remember that the dynamic from your relationship is still present, and that you need that dynamic to change. Starting now. So when he tries to bully you, make you feel worthless, make you question yourself, that's the old dynamic. The new you isn't going to take that shit. You kind of have to act like the new you until you become her!

I was in a similar situation, and I wish I would have taken all my solicitor's advice. My head was too messed up and I was a bit scared of my ex and felt like a shitty person and thought I didn't deserve anything. I was wrong.

There are multiple things at play here

50:50 of assets may be fair, we don’t know, but in order to determine that you’ll need to understand the pot of assets available, then determine needs, then factors will be considered including your ages, your earning potential ( ie full time ), ages of children, so on. If needs can be met with 50:50 that may be the award. All assets need to be considered including any pensions, equity, investments

children: you need to let go of the I can’t bare to be away from them view. You need to think about :

what’s in their best Interest
how can they maintain relationships with both parents equally
what pattern of arrangement does that look like
where will you both live
You’ll most likely need to up your income / hours, he’ll most likely have to think about doing more parenting. What does that look like going forward? If he wants 50:50 he needs to have work patterns/childcare in place to support that.

Try to see if you can arrange cms now. Or ancillary relief if needed if he’s going to threaten to stop paying mortgage etc. it might be possible

it’s unlikely long term spousal maintenance will be awarded on his salary so you’ll need to think about income/ applying for universal credit for support

it’s best to disengage and simply seek legal advice to understand your position. By going court route he’ll need to full financial disclosure

Lots of lower earners do move out and rent especially if their partners are abusive or unreasonable. It doesn’t prove financial independence if the rent is paid by UC for a short period while the house is sold. No it doesn’t remove the legal responsibility for the mortgage but the person on £70k is more able to pay than the person on min wage and it won’t usually affect the eventual equity split. It does remove the exH financial control over the OP and her being stuck with bills she can’t afford. I said get legal advice but I know people who have had to do this to get away from a bully and it’s had no impact on the settlement. In fact having to pay 100% bills and the reality of 50:50 childcare can be a wake up call the higher earner doesn’t have all the power.

Firstly, you were the main carer, the status quo can be maintained as the kids are used to it. That is what I was told by my solicitor, I'm at the beginning of this journey too and also took a pay cut/atep down to support his career. Just don't start any childcare rota that is 50/50.

Secondly, get a solicitor. They are invaluable. Don't try to do it without, especially as you are married.

See a solicitor and get as much information and guidance as possible. Then go to mediation. It could work! I've heard for others it was great.

Thanks everyone. What actually is mediation? I've heard they can't guide or give you any advice... I don't have a clue on where to begin so how would mediation help me figure out how our assets should be split?

I don't know whether to let him carry on paying the bills/mortgage or should we work out the total outgoings and both pay a percentage of our salary?

Or we both have to pay half of all bills? I've got bills coming up for car tax and after school club

You can do a miam ( mediation initial assessment
) to see if suitable

mediation will require finances to be disclosed. A mediator will be able to guide and advise and try to get both parties to see areas of overlap / negotiation/ compromise etc so it can be helpful

don’t outright dismiss 50:50 childcare, however hard that may seem now. Its highly likely you’ll need to work full time, if not immediately ( not sure if the ages of your children) but at some point so you’ll also need to think of arrangements for school pick ups etc and it’s highly unlikely you’ll get spousal

think of child arrangements that might work

Mediation worked for us. They are solicitors but on neither of your 'sides'. You all sit together, them, you and your ex in a room and they take you through what you need to work out. It works because you end up discussing it just you and your ex really, but neither of you can say anything to bully/intimidate the other, because they're sat right there listening. It's also much cheaper.

Quite a lot of the advice that has been given here, whilst well intentioned, is wrong. Your husband might be a bully but he is acting within the law, just.

You need to speak to a solicitor and make full disclosure to them so they can advise you well. Don't rely on a free service, you will only get good advice if you pay for it.

The real outcome probably won't be anywhere near as good as some people are claiming here. Spousal maintenance for example seems very unlikely whilst CMS payments on 50/50 income are zero, irrespective of the government calculator. The court might award child maintenance for a year but he could then apply to CMS to end it.

The other thing you need to consider is whether it is worth fighting over in court. If you demand significantly more than 50% of the assets then it reduces the deterrent for him to let it go to court. If there aren't many assets, you might end up with 60-70% of nothing.