Help please! Recent decision to separate. What do I do first?

[Mindfuleating]

I'm sure these are common questions but hoping someone can help..
Last week my husband and I decided to break up. We have 3 teenage kids (youngest is 13) and a house with a big mortgage. He earns about 3x what I do. Feelings are still raw on both sides. I instigated it but only due to his behaviour which I can no longer tolerate. We are both still living in the house and he has already said we will have to sell it and each start fresh somewhere else. I really want to stay where I am with the kids and think I can make it work if he gives some of his earnings. I don't think he will insist on having the kids with him as he has already left us twice in the past.
The question is.. what do I do first? I feel financially vulnerable but want to keep the kids stable in the home. Should I try and negotiate with him on my own or see a solicitor? Some websites suggest seeing a financial advisor or a mediator first. I've done some calculations which I think are reasonable but am worried he's going to laugh me out of the room. It all feels very confusing and I don't want to waste precious money on advice from the wrong person. I know I might have to play the long game and stay in the house with him until he is able to move on.

There is a lot of reading you can do before you venture down the route of getting expensive professional advice. if you provide a bit more information posters can send you in the right direction or equip you with the right questions for advisers.

What are the relevant incomes and do you work FT. What size of mortgage are you talking about and how old are the children? How old are you and him and do you have pensions.

You will need to buy out his share of the house or sell it and split the equity in order for you both to move on. Starting point for this is 50/50 so you will need to evaluate if you could afford a large mortgage on your own

It's very unlikely he'll have to pay anything more than Child Maintenance to you going forward.

In my experience the court would consider your joint earnings, savings and pensions and who the children live with. They are not keen on uprooting children if it's not necessary. If your ex doesn't always play nice (which it sounds like he doesn't if he's left a few times already and you're leaving because of his ongoing behaviour) then he might try to force you out to spite you.

Definitely get legal advice even if you decide to act for yourself later on. When I sought legal advice I was as given a 45 minute free online consultation where I gleaned a LOT, which helped answer a lot of my questions.

The first thing you need to attend to is where you're going to live.

Go and see a couple of mortgage advisers to see how much you can borrow.

You can't make any decisions on where you're going to live until you know how much money you have available to you so start with that.

Firstly don't rush, take a deep breath and spend a few days working out what you want for the future. I initially thought I wanted the house but I realised quickly it's a big responsibility to take care of and I wanted a clean break.

Filing for legal divorce is simple nowadays if you both agree, you file online jointly for a set fee. No need for a solicitor for this bit.

The financial situation is best of you can work it out without the court needing to rule. I sat down with my now exh and a piece of paper and worked out a staged settlement including university costs. If this isn't possible then with a trained mediator is a good first step. If neither work, then it's time for solicitors to take over the negotiations but they will be the only winners!

As far as the children, if possible let them decide on living arrangements, don't bad mouth each other in front of them and if you can manage to be at birthdays etc together they will really appreciate it

I’m in the same position but my kids are grown up but still live at home. I hate him. He’s a drunk. A bully, just a really unpleasant person but stayed with him as I’m financially trapped. My sage is a pittance so will have to find a place to rent but the rent prices are a joke; I won’t have a life at all. My name is not on the mortgage despite us being together 30 years, married for 10 and living in this house for 22 years. He has said previously that I wouldn’t get a penny and I don’t have the money to fight him in court. He screams at me all the time, drinks every night and is probably the most unpleasant, joyless, humourless person I’ve ever met. I don’t think I’ve ever really loved him but got pregnant after a year of being wh him and before you know it I’m 2 children and 30 years down the line. I so badly want to instigate us splitting up; I doubt he would even be bothered but the thought of having nowhere to go terrified me. It would be so much easier if he just dropped dead which is likely due to his alcohol abuse. Our kids hate him too. Just know you’re not alone. There are so many women out there financially trapped or desperately worried about finances on splitting up. I posted my post earlier titled “where will I live” my husband has also left me a couple of times but in the sense he threw me out and I walked barefoot pregnant while pushing my son in his buggy to my parents who begged me not to go back but I got the usual I will change bullshit. He’s vile. Absolutely vile. And shame on me for staying this long. I’m in my 50’s now and know it’s way too late for me to ever buy a house for me now. I fantasise about the life I could have had if only I’d have had the courage to leave in my twenties. Big hugs to you I will follow this post to see how you get on. I’m sure you can get an hour free at a solicitor as I’m going to do that too. Xxx

Thanks @LemonTT . Yes, I work FT and always have. He earns 100K and I earn 35K in an NHS role. The mortgage is 270 which I can't afford on my wage alone so I'm proposing he contributes around a third of his salary until the youngest is at least 18 and then I would sell and split 50/50. I am 48 and he is 53 and we both have small pensions.. I'm wondering how to work our whether my proposal is reasonable but I'm worried a solicitor would only tell me what I want to hear to get the business.

Thanks @mitogoshi I probably do need to take a deep breath! Have been working this all out now for a few weeks (even before we confirmed it). I think that's a good point about the house. I do want it to be amicable for everyone's sake. I will probably need to let the dust settle and try to have a good conversation with him.

@Tigerlily139 that sounds really tough. I hope you do get some advice. I understood if you are married you are entitled to a share of the marital assets. Its irrelevant if its his name on the mortgage (I thought!). Good luck with leaving him.. you do deserve better.

@obsessedwithfreshbread Is that really the case? We have been married for 16 years. Was I naïve to think that there would be some balancing out of the finances to enable us both to have a similar standard of living going forward? He earns such a lot more than me and will be completely fine. I changed my career path so I could prioritise the kids and cut short my training to move to a different area because he got a promotion. I'll feel so aggrieved if this doesn't work out fairly.

Another thing I would say is to do it sooner rather than later.

The closer your youngest child is to the age of 18, the more likely the split will be 50/50.

It doesn't seem the most obvious case for spousal maintenance I'm afraid. The difference in your net incomes isn't that big once child maintenance has been taken into account and would probably be dealt with in an uneven split of capital in order to achieve a clean break.

Spousal maintenance is not a common remedy in divorce and its purpose is normally to bridge the gap whilst someone finds their financial independence (e.g. SAHM who hasn't worked for 10 years and needs some time to retrain). Longer term SM tends to be for people who cannot work or who are close to retirement.

A Mesher Order where you stay in the FMH until the youngest is 18 is a possible option although this remedy is also quite rare nowadays and possibly not your best option. You may get more of the capital now if you can prove you can meet your housing needs and remove him from the mortgage by downsizing. Otherwise you are more likely to have to pay the mortgage in full without SM until youngest is 18 and then give him 40-50% of the equity.

Thankyou. This is really helpful. 🙂

It’s unrealistic to exidct him to contribute 1/3 of his income to a mortgage on a property he’s not living jn

whete will he live? He’ll face to pay rent and bills and you’ll expect cms too. In 35k you have zero chance of raking him off the mortgage as well

yiu need to work out what assets you have, including pensions and working out cms to start thinking about whether a split is 50:50 or you can try for higher share of assets?

You say your youngest is 13 - how old are the others as 18 is disregarded from
housing needs

Terrible spelling ! Apologies

As estimate his cms is likely to be around 1200 per month assuming he would have the children 1-2 nights a week. Slightly higher if less, slightly less if more

he's likely to take home around around 5.4K pr month

you could try to see if he’d pay voluntary spousal for a few years to get your child maintenance and spousal
combined to 1800. A month ( giving you 1/3 of income). Will totally depend on

assets there are and split of them

Ability to house himself if not taken off the mortgage ( bare in mind age is a factor in limiting mortgage affordability and duration)
without selling the house he’d have to stay on the fmh as you wouldnt qualify to take it over and this will significantly impact his ability

what assets you have

his willingness to agree for a few years

remember also cms stops ( usually at 18)

@millymollymoomoo I have a similar net income difference with my ex-wife and younger children. I was advised by my solicitor in no uncertain terms that I should not volunteer to pay spousal maintenance and to offer a bigger share of the assets instead.

The reasoning behind this is that these ongoing ties seldom work out very well because circumstances change and disagreements often result in litigation down the line. It's normally much better for all concerned to get a clean break and move on.

For example, whilst the OP's husband might volunteer to pay additional spousal maintenance now, his attitude might well change if his ex-wife cohabited or decided not to advance her own career because she could depend on his income. Or perhaps the OP could come into an inheritance which would mean the need for payments would cease. The questions the OP should ask are 1) would this arrangement really last peacefully without disruption for five years and 2) would it not be more advantageous to get more of the capital assets and make a clean break.

@Bub1765 i do agree

i certainly not saying it’s the best outcome or necessarily the right one. Was just saying that if they are amicable the dh might agree to a temporary measure for a few years. I certainly don’t think it would be court ordered
i was simply giving op a view of estimate of cms and whether he might voluntarily top it up a bit for a while

but op is unrealistic to expect him to keep her in a house she cannot afford, nor release hom from the mortgage and for him to pay 1/3 of salary especially if she also expects cms on top of that !

@millymollymoomoo @Bub1765 thanks both for your advice. It’s really has given me a much clearer picture of the options. I was including the CMS in the 1/3 contribution so I thought he could probably still have a good standard of living on what was left without any further costs to pay for the kids. He also does have about 100k of investments which I could leave him with as a deposit on a flat and he is more likely to get inheritance before me. But I get the bit about the sustainability of long term payments. It probs is a bit unrealistic to think that would not be a resentment 5 years down the line. I’m thinking maybe a year or two in the house to stabilise the kids and work out a proper plan and then a clean break as you say. This thread has really helped so Thankyou.

I think you need to consider the kids in this too, surely better to have a little housing upheaval now in order to maintain a better relationship with their father.

You need to consider what equity is in the house and what you could borrow which will drive what you can buy and how it suits the needs of the family.

Keep an open mind, take some advice and don't get acrimonious if you can. Its better to keep it as simple as possible and avoid arguments.

The starting point is 50:50 split and I don't see many grounds for it being far off that in your case. You are right re the £100k investment probably making a difference and might enable you to buy him out the house. Best of luck with all that faces you - you sound like you have a level head.

The £100k in savings changes the picture a bit. Perhaps you could also share the amount of equity in the house? The more assets there are, the more likely a court will consider an immediate clean break in your situation. Obviously together you may choose to do things differently but the courts have an obligation to order a clean break if it is possible without one of the parties suffering undue hardship.

Disregard the inheritance as that’s not guaranteed

you do need to da tie in all other investments and a share of all assets

these could change the picture towards clean break

@Bub1765 apologies to jump on thread but maybe useful for u too @Mindfuleating

When you say you were advised to give X bigger % of assets rather than spousal - do you mean giving away more than 50% of assets to even out disparity?

I'm interested to understand if courts are looking for similar lifestyles or if its just about ensuring ppl can house themselves adequately (even if one person in flat and another in detached house)

This is a difficult question to answer. In my case my ex-wife doesn't want to do anything to improve her earning capacity and has even refused to work full time. My solicitor has advised - specific to my case - that this might backfire on her because she it makes her eligible for so much universal credit which reduces pound for pound on receipt of unearned income which includes spousal maintenance. I would have to therefore pay an awful lot of SM to increase her net income. As this would impact me negatively far more than it would benefit her a judge would be unlikely to order this. It couldn't be argued to be in the children's interests to impoverish dad to barely benefit mum either.

More generally, in most cases as I understand it there is only enough to meet needs so lifestyle doesn't factor very often. It would be unrealistic for most divorcees to maintain their lifestyle and normally it's a case of sharing out the hardship fairly. In cases where lifestyle will factor and SM is to be paid, I think normally this is short term whilst the recipient adjusts. I think payers would need a lot of disposable income to be expected to fund someone else's lifestyle for more than a couple of years.

Generally unless their ex is very rich a recipient is expected to retrain and get a better job if they want to maintain their lifestyle.