Help please! Recent decision to separate. What do I do first?

[Mindfuleating]

I'm sure these are common questions but hoping someone can help..
Last week my husband and I decided to break up. We have 3 teenage kids (youngest is 13) and a house with a big mortgage. He earns about 3x what I do. Feelings are still raw on both sides. I instigated it but only due to his behaviour which I can no longer tolerate. We are both still living in the house and he has already said we will have to sell it and each start fresh somewhere else. I really want to stay where I am with the kids and think I can make it work if he gives some of his earnings. I don't think he will insist on having the kids with him as he has already left us twice in the past.
The question is.. what do I do first? I feel financially vulnerable but want to keep the kids stable in the home. Should I try and negotiate with him on my own or see a solicitor? Some websites suggest seeing a financial advisor or a mediator first. I've done some calculations which I think are reasonable but am worried he's going to laugh me out of the room. It all feels very confusing and I don't want to waste precious money on advice from the wrong person. I know I might have to play the long game and stay in the house with him until he is able to move on.

Thanks @Bub1765 that is really helpful. I am you in my situation (earn 100k). I want to stay and for family home by myself (I already do) but that would mean giving less than half equity but H would still be able to house himself and kids wpild have stability (ex is drinker).

@Mindfuleating the 100k of investments definitely change things. I think clean break is surely better. Wouldn't it be better to argue for 50% of investments than secure maintenance? Then you get some cash but you also get to stand on own two feet and rebuild life without him?

One of my main priorities is avoiding ongoing ties

Courts don’t expect necessarily equalisation

they assess needs, predominantly housing and minors - but won’t award one party all the assets leaving the other with just mortgage etc

they’ll look at earnings but also earnings capacity - and expect people to work full time etc to maximise it

while higher share of assets might be awarded on a needs basis it’s unlikely ongoing income etc equalised

• stay and pay for family home

@PaintingPa Income aside, your case sounds very different to mine and I suspect the outcome will be too. You probably want to get that divorce sorted before he gets so dependent on the bottle that he can claim that he cannot work too.

Thanks @Bub1765 you are right. The pain of giving away huge chunks of equity I've built up to my pissed husband is so awful but yorue right - it will only get worse. Thanks for advice.

Thanks @PaintingPa i am coming around to the asset split idea for a clean break. My priority is being able to provide a home for the kids long term (as if they’re going to be independent at 18!) and I’ve realised I can’t stay where I am. Having the kids isn’t a massive priority for him so I think it would appeal to him to have a smaller share of the assets but be free to earn what he wants and keep his wages for himself. I have always worked and am currently training for a more senior role, albeit NHS so wages are always a bit crap compared to other areas. Has anyone found mediation helpful?

Actually one possible complication in the asset split might be your pension. You say it is small but if you have been working for the NHS for years then it won't be. It might look small but it is defined benefit and you will need a CETV. Also, the pension advantages of working for the NHS also mean you're earning more than you might realise (i.e. he would have to save an awful lot of his income to save the same amount of pension as you can).

As an example, someone on around £30k average for the last 10 years at the NHS will have a pension that pays about £5k per annum accrued so far. A very rough and ready CETV for a pension that size would be around £125-150k.

If your pension is large then you may have to give some of it up to keep more of the house.

I think it is very unlikely that you would be awarded spousal maintenance if her contested or objected to it.

In terms of asset split you will get a share based on need. This will be established through an assessment of your income (net salary with child support and any benefits you will be eligible for) and outgoings. Income needs to be optimal and outgoings minimal.

So although there is a significant disparity in gross salary, once that is netted you could more closer in terms of net income. If you have the kids most of the time your outgoings will be higher. This is what will inform housing affordability for you.

Pensions are usually equalised and if they are broadly comparable most people agree to ignore them. Due to the faff and cost of having them valued.

Assuming that there will be a coparenting agreement you both need similar sized homes. Sounds like a 3 bed that allows the children to stay in the same school. It’s likely his borrowing capacity is higher so you may need a bigger share of the assets. This bigger share is the modern version of spousal support. A large one off adjustment that creates a clean break between you and him. It will always be the outcome the courts prioritise.

However if he is required to pay child support this will be an ongoing obligation and it is inadvisable to capitalise this contribution. Because even if he did he would be obliged to pay it. Some people do this because they have informally agreed it but it very risky.

The issue for your divorce centres on where your children are in their education. If they are taking exams or about to take exams then proximity to school is paramount. If this cannot be achieved in the settlement, the disruption is a good reason to defer a move. Financially that’s not good for you or him especially given your ages.

However overall advice is be realistic about the need for your life to change. If you resist the inevitable you will waste money and time.

There is an expectation that you go to mediation before court.

If you can agree a clean break settlement between you you can use a service like amicable.io to get it written up in legalese and agreed by a judge. This is relatively cheap,

If you go to mediation this has a cost each time, and the aim is to reach agreement so that the agreement can be written up and agreed by a judge.

Each side using their own solicitor can rack up the bills very quickly and if you need to go to court then it gets very expensive very fast.

It's a fine balance deciding when to use solicitors and when not to. I think a lot of people don't use solicitors enough and then their settlements blow up 2-3 years down the line because they were poorly constructed. In my case, if I hadn't gotten myself informed and spoken to solicitors (and you do need to pay them for decent advice) I could have been led a long way up the garden path by an "pro-Mum extremist mediator" (my solicitor's words, not mine).

That said, you don't need them answering every letter. Some simple rules will save money:

1. Don't put the solicitors on a retainer. Just use a solicitor offering time for a fixed fee with no ongoing obligation;

2. When you receive letters from your ex's solicitor ordering you to do something, unless it is a reasonable demand or one backed by a court you can ignore it (e.g. I have had a letter demanding interim maintenance that my wife doesn't need and paying it could set a precedent, which is what the solicitor is really trying to do, so I'm ignoring it);

3. You don't need representation at an FDA or FDR unless you can afford it and still have enough left for a final hearing;

4. The advice I've seen repeated all over the internet is make sure you have a barrister for a final hearing. If you are limited on funds, prioritise this.