Other woman msg child

[choco2]

My ex's girlfriend who was the affair partner has started to msg my teenage daughter. She has autism and other special needs and I feel this is completely inappropriate and that my child is vulnerable.
She has no need to msg my child - where do I stand legally with this?
She isn't a reasonable person and will not respond well if I tell her not too. She doesn't crazy things like spray her perfume on my daughter etc so there is no reasoning with her, she is constantly trying to insert herself into her life and grills her for information which my child has said she feels uncomfortable with.
I want to send a clear msg to her to stop and was thinking of phoning the police to make a compliant.

I had this with my 7 year old and the OW and just blocked her. Didn't give it a second thought.

No one can answer give you any advice until you answer the questions about what is in the messages.

How did you react in front of your daughter when she received the messages?

What is your general attitude towards your child's dad and his partner in front of your child?

You said that your child often masks her feelings. Is it possible that she likes this woman and wants to message her but she is afraid of your reaction so pretends she doesn't? This is incredibly common in all children involved in separation. They go along with the feelings of the person they feel safest with because what's the alternative?

But from the limited information you have given, there would absolutely no legal recourse for a woman messaging her partner's child unless those messages were abusive. In your shoes I would just make sure everyone is aware that your child's phone is monitored and checked because of her age and capacity. I would then just let them get on with it whilst keeping an eye on the messages to make sure that they are appropriate.

If she is sending messages and spraying perfume etc to get at you (which she might not be) the best way to react is to not react at all.

You said that your child often masks her feelings. Is it possible that she likes this woman and wants to message her but she is afraid of your reaction so pretends she doesn't? This is incredibly common in all children involved in separation. They go along with the feelings of the person they feel safest with because what's the alternative?

That is a really good point. My SC would say to their mum they don't want to message me because they don't want to upset her and they are very aware she doesn't like it. When actually they do like messaging me but have to do it in secret.

There are plenty of circumstances where adults are permitted and indeed encouraged to text minors.

Grandparents might text their grandchildren.

Aunties and uncles might text their niece and nephew.

Arguably this woman has a quasi-family relationship with your child as she is her father's girlfriend.

You have no legal recourse unless the content of the messages is illegal.

If you don't want her messages they she needs to be blocked. If you are worried about what ex and girlfriend will say then either you need to communicate with them yourself or prep your daughter in what to say.

As you've said - you are the adult in this situation.
So as the responsible adult you need to have a conversation with the OW. If her messaging your daughter is genuinely either inappropriate or causing your daughter distress simply ask the OW to stop. If she then continues - ensure she is blocked on your daughters phone.

Unless the content of the messages is illegal there is absolutely no reason to involve the police or social services.

This isn't a step parent. Its dad's girlfriend. Dad's no contact so girlfriend should keep her neb out

If that minor tells her mother that the texting causes distress then yes

This isn't a police matter whatsoever.

Unless she is harassing, threatening or sending abusive messages to your daughter (which I seriously doubt otherwise you would have started with that), there really isn’t anything you can do legally.

You’ve decided not to block her which is strange. If your daughter can’t advocate for herself and the messages are making her stressed, why wouldn’t you? It seems like there’s no harm in the messages, you just don’t want the OW who is now her dad’s partner, to message her at all

How old is your dd, and what do the messages say?

There's a massive difference between "Hi, are you having a good day?" and "Tell your mum she's a bitch".

What type of SS involvement has this woman had?

Speaking as someone who has a highly anxious and autistic dd (14) your efforts would be better used on building your dd up to be able to give her opinion and giving her some phrases to use if need be.

In all honestly it sounds like you, understandably, have a bee in your bonnet about this woman, and you're using this as some type of revenge. You can't possibly think blocking her would cause a big drama but getting the police involved will be absolutely fine.

I’m not sure I understand your “THIS IS AN ADULT TEXTING A MINOR!!” comment, in caps no less.

I text my DP’s daughters sometimes in the time between his contact. A picture of the sunflower seedlings that we planted on my garden the weekend before last, pictures of my cats (whom they adore), pictures we’d taken on our last weekend away so they could show their Mum what we saw, etc.

Is the content of her messages actually inappropriate? It might be that your daughter is better served (socially and developmentally) by positive reassurance from you about her dads partner - alone the lines of “oh, it’s nice of her to message, she must care about you”, etc - rather than defaulting immediately to “this woman is an evil unboundaried nonce and ought to go to prison”.

@Flopsythebunny That minor is probably saying what she thinks her mother wants to hear.

This whole thread reads like it's the OP who has the issue.

Came here to say exactly this 👆

It's totally fine and normal for kids to recieve texts from aunties / other adult family members or family friends, with innocent content.

With kindness OP, this sounds like you just don't want OW to have a relationship with your daughter. I can understand the emotion behind that, but unfortunately you don't have the right to set that boundary if she has a relationship with her dad and OW is now a part of dad's life.

Far better for your daughter that the woman is making an effort (and you encourage a relationship) than you put your daughter in a position / in the middle of this.

There's a reasonable chance she's saying she's uncomfortable with it because she knows it's what you want to hear / she feels awkward knowing you'd be unsupportive of them developing a closer relationship.

I will address each point-
This woman has history of assault
A previous partner of hers split and removed their child due to her being verbally abusive and threatening to his child.
This woman has stolen money.
She has told children to keep secrets
She only has part-time contact with her own son due to being unable to cope with parenting (her admission).
She has a history of obsessive behaviour/stalking with men.
My daughter has a fraught relationship with her father and this woman due to them disappearing for months on end and then appearing and then disappearing. They have not once sat my daughter down and spoken to her about anything and she was confused as she was spending time with 'daddy's friend' but then spoke about how they would lie on top of each other, kiss openly etc but were 'friends' - she has a literal understanding of things due to her autism.
I did not say I wasn't going to block her - I stated that this had just happened and I was thinking about what to do and monitoring the situation instead of reacting and making it worse.
Somehow this has turned into the evil mother having an issue with the stepmother. Not everything is black and white and I'm trying my best to deal with a situation I didn't cause but have to pick up the pieces of. I am the person who has to try and explain things to her - has to decide how much to tell her while also protecting her. Have to explain that her father has said he can't see her because he is busy but then she sees him driving this woman's son about. Have to explain why he doesn't turn up to sports day etc
Have to explain why when he says he has no money to come and see her that he has the money to go away on holiday all the time. Have to explain to her why this woman is wearing an engagement ring yet she hasn't been told by her father.

So yes I am protective of my daughter- her life was turned upside down by her fathers and this woman's actions and instead of trying to do what's best for his daughter this man ran off for over a year and didn't see her. I am the only consistent thing she has in her life and so yes I am worried that this woman will build a bond with her and then disappear as she has done this twice before to other partners children. I would be a bad mother if I wasn't suspicious of this woman's actions and that does deserve to be in capitals HER ACTIONS not mine or my daughters but her actions. Even if this is innocent I hardly think any mother would want their child to be befriended and manipulated by a woman like that.

So yes in short I do have a major problem with this woman msg my child and I came on here asking for advice but instead have received criticism for a situation I didn't cause. There are plenty of brillant step parents out there (I'm one of them) but there are also plenty of awful people and in particular women who useless fathers let play the role of mother to save them actually having to parent.

People can only answer with the information you give in mind. Your first few posts did not tell us anything about her.

Your issue is less with her and more with your child's dad. You have told us that he has nothing to do with parenting your daughter because it's too hard. Why is she seeing them? Is there a court order in place?

Absolutely this!
Before I was "officially" SM I would text the kids with pics etc and now they're teens there probably isn't a day that passes that we don't send messages to each other...

Yes he sees her for 6 hrs a week. So it's not as if he is heavily involved in her life so that's part of the reason I think this woman should not be contacting my child. If my daughter spent a lot of time there, there was 50/50 custody and he was involved with schooling, clubs, knew her friends etc then I could understand her maging things like 'what do you fancy for dinner' 'how did your test go' because she would have been present for these events in my daughters life. But it's weird that she is trying to insert herself since she isn't. She is trying to befriend a child that she doesn't really see that much. Also given her past behaviour I don't trust her to not upset my daughter. The whole thing gives me the 'ick' like she is desperate (same with the perfume - my daughter came home stinking of her perfume (you could see the areas of her shirt where the perfume had been sprayed cause it stained the material)

You still haven't said what is actually in her messages, we can't really deem whether they are appropriate or not.

So I've had a think about what everyone said and made a decision. I've went online a gaming system and befriended and started chatting to her son. All appropriate and about games. Afterall if he is spending time with my daughter then it's completely ok for me to do this- he is a part of my daughters life and sure as long as the msg content is ok then my motivation for doing so doesn't count - right???

That is verging on psychotic behaviour.

Her messaging her boyfriend daughter, who she sees regularly, is very different to deliberately tracking a child down through a game and talking to them solely to get some sort of revenge on his mum.

Is this real? You have started stalking her son under a false identity?

That is a million miles away from someone is a step parent role messaging their step child (whether there is anything wrong with that depends entirely on the message content).

Are you not simply able to send her a msg or phone her and let her know that her contact is causing your daughter distress so please can she stop?

I mean, is it really that hard?

Stop being a drama llama and advocate for your daughter.

It's not a false identity- he knows who I am. She sees my child for a few hrs every week and is also not a step parent.
I don't see the problem?

Is it not the same situation ?
I don't see why people are questioning my motivation? When she msg my daughter the motivation didn't matter ?
She has a long history of abusive and violent behaviour with police and social services involvement but it was considered a right of hers to msg my daughter who she sees for a few hrs.
Her motivation in this wasn't considered, because she is in a relationship with the father of a child that somehow gave her the right to msg a minor despite the fact the minor is classified as vulnerable.
I have no such history of police and social services involvement, am a consistent, loving, committed parent and act in the best interests of the child rather than trying to befriend minors.

So for all the people out there that seemed to disregard her motivation for the behaviour why then does the motivation behind me doing the same thing be questioned??

I have advocated for my daughter many times - I advocated for her throughout her life in every hospital and education meeting, I fought to get her help, I fought for her because she was not able to voice her opinion, her psychology reports from a young age (even at a time when her father was in her life consistently) have indicated extreme anxiety and an inability to cope and also masking in every situation so yes it also applies to this situation when she came to me worried about this. Due to this women's history I knew this was the start of a cycle she has repeated many times and came to ask advice. However it turned into me being portrayed as the person in the wrong. Funny how no-one has accused this woman of being a drama queen or stirring up trouble. It's absolutely normal to dress other people's children in outfits matching with your own, to spray your perfume on others children, and to msg them when you see them for a few hrs a week and take no part in any aspect of their lives.
If I msg this woman she will turn it into me attacking her character and it will cause drama and she won't stop - I wanted an independent party to deal with this in a way that means that she gets the message that this behaviour has to stop. However being the absentee father's girlfriend seems to give her the rights to do whatever she wants!

No, it's not the same situation.

She is involved with your dd, even if its a few hours a week, you're not involved with her son at all.

Has she got a long history of violent and abusive behaviour towards your dd? Given that you haven't shared any messages I'm going to assume they are all innocuous enough as well.

You've went out of your way to go onto a game and find a specific child to use them for your own purposes.... there's a name for that.