12YO separation anxiety

[DadJokeExpert]

Dad here after some advice...

My STBXW and I split up and she’s moved into a house nearby in February. We get on fine, no dramas, no new partners, been on a family holiday together since splitting but decided to call time on our relationship together (we're 50/50 on childcare).

Oldest DS13 appears fine. Younger DS12 is having problems. He’s got ADHD (recently diagnosed) and is very attached to his mum - she’s got a significantly closer bond with him. I have a good relationship with him and do lots of activities together but she’s firmly been his comfort blanket over the years and go-to person to confide in.

My issue is that now we have separated, he can be triggered easily causing his separation anxieties to kick in. This typically results in anger, door slamming, shouting and demanding to stay at mums house. We’re jointly struggling to calm him down from this state and have let him go to mums house a couple of times if he's really distressed. He's not triggered every time he stays with me, but it is often. He can call Mum as needed etc, which he does do from time to time but that can also create issues when she's not available.

Examples that can trigger him include brushing his teeth, limiting phone time, not watching tv after 9ish on school night. I don’t think they are particularly unreasonable parenting things but these are examples of things that set him off whereas he just does this for his mum.

I do try to pick the battles, plan our time to avoid triggers and give him leeway but things still break down, which i'm trying to find ways to avoid or manage better.

Any tips or advice on ways to navigate this? I appreciate it’s all new to him/us so looking for ideas that could help and any experience from the ADHD perspective as that’s also quite new for both of us.

is he on medication?

No, he's still going through the assessment but not looked at the medication side of things yet. We've got mixed views on this for him but open to ideas if people have experience of this working well

So he hasn’t been “recently diagnosed”?

His mum is going through the process with him for this so i've not talked to the people directly, but she's said the assessors have said he's on the spectrum for it which is why we're going with the view of being diagnosed for it. Sorry, I don't really know too much more on this side of it as his mum is leading on this one (I lead on other things like the dentist, so we share the things out between us).

He's 12 - why do you think he should be forced to spend time with you? Surely you are making things worse by enforcing 50/50 with a child who doesn't want it/can't cope with it?

We've asked him a few times and he wants to do 50/50 as well... we get on well and he does want to spend time together, my issue is more when he gets his separation anxiety triggered and I guess i'm looking for advice on ways to calm him down from that without his mum being involved.

It's also hard on his Mum as she's needs to do her things and she finds it difficult to do this if he's potentially going to need her reassurance, which is why we're trying to work out better techniques to help him (together).

It sounds like anything you try and enforce that he doesn't want to do he then wants to go to the other parent? If that's the case, that is totally usual, not sure that is separation anxiety rather than guilt tripping divorced parents by an immature preteen...which I definitely recognise and experience!

I’m really not sure why you seem to be getting abrasive answers here. I think it may be because you are a man - how DARE you!!The audacity! 🤭🤭

Both of you as parents seem to be on the same page and working as a team despite splitting up, and it is excellent that you both want to figure out how to best help your son!

As someone with ADHD, I wish my parents would have had an understanding of demand avoidance - look up PDA in ADHD.
I think that is what you’re running into here in regard to the tooth brushing, tv, bedtime.
The way you approach demands are going to be completely different to that of a neurotypical person. My life would have been a lot easier if that had been known. Exploring these more could really help with the anxiety as I think your DS is struggling with the lack of control due to your split (not a judgement, just reality!) and is resisting your demands to maintain some sort of control.

It is also common in people with ADHD to have a delayed circadian rhythm which may be worth looking into to address sleep and bedtime!

I’m not sure if any of this helped but I hope so. Wishing you and your son all the best!

@rileyy DFOD my answer to OP wasn't abrasive but I will be to you for your comments and assumptions

Go for it! Have fun 👏

It read as insensitive and abrasive. I’m sorry that you can’t see that. Oh well! 🤷‍♀️

@rileyy Thanks, thats really helpful... I've taken a quick look at PDA and can see a lot of traits in him. I'll read up more and discuss with his mum about going down that route a bit more. Interestingly, we're starting to do things that are suggested like have expectations vs rules and quick gratification for rewards. The sleep thing is an issue and a lot of our 'demands' are largely based on getting to bed so school doesn't suffer the next day.

@FlippyFloppyShoe We see that in the other child, however with the youngest it's been his personality for his life. It also manifests in issues staying at friends/ family houses and with school work etc so we're keen to find better ways for him to develop than the confrontational type battles we've had!

Maybe you were overthinking the response and reading more into it than was there.

@DadJokeExpert my DC have not been diagnosed with anything but they are certainly awkward individuals in their own ways as well as being tweens/teens, they are more amenable to doing things if expectations are set out early with timeframes and why that timeframe so that they can absorb them, provide counter arguments/negotiations and know where they are rather than suddenly being 'go and clean your teeth please'.

@FlippyFloppyShoe thats a good point, I do have a system of writing out activities (for example over Christmas) on a window with chalk pens so they can see whats happening and add their own ideas in, so will try something similar to get a bit more engagement and let them have a way of adding their input but without actually discussing it if they dont want to

Sorry I meant so if we are sitting watching a film that might finish right on their bedtime, before we even watch it I will discuss with them the fact that it finishes late, but there are breaks in the film and that might be a good point to do x/y/z and get them to agree or if not, negotiate when they are going to do it, maybe before, but if they come back with something unworkable (daft example as things are so minor) i will say thats ok we can do it that way, but it will mean that we will have to watch half an hour of it tomorrow as that means the film wont finish at a reasonable time ok? and then see where/if they want to compromise.

Could he be telling you what you want to hear though in respect of 50/50? Because he knows that what you would prefer and the sibling is happy with that? For a child you admit is very close to their mother "has a significantly closer bond" is a "comfort" blanket to him that doesn't tie up with his then agreeing to 50/50....what if you actually said it was entirely up to him if he came to you each time? Yes that impacts on your wife but to be honest you both took the decision to end what just sounds like a marriage that went a bit stale which was best for you. You've turned his world upside down and now he's expected to live away from what was the family home and also his closer parent for half of his childhood life. Perhaps he needs to feel that he has some control back over his life and that would include having the say each day over who he spends it with?

I think a lot of kids have a default parent who is 'better' at the comforting role. Without sounding patronising - it's good that you see that this isn't something that's come easily with your DS and are trying to find out how to make his visits at your house better for him.
It also sounds like you have a good co parenting set up - could your ex offer any insight?
How you frame expectations and requests for ND children can be really important.
Usual behaviours around bedtime and screens for example I think can be quite different for children with ADHD. Screen time is not such a bad thing.
My DD was a poor sleeper and got very anxious about not being asleep - couple of things that helped her. A weighted blanket. Understanding that if you can't sleep - resting quietly is also good for you.
It's also still very new for your DS and it takes time to adjust to living in 2 homes.

@FlippyFloppyShoe ok, I see what you mean. We try to have that chat in the car on the way home from school which helps as well so will try some more variations of that.

@theclimb Yeah, I appreciate it's not what he wants and we're trying to give him some slack for that... he's not forced to stay if he really doesn't want to either (and hes gone to mums house a couple of times). I'm hoping we can make improvements individually/ together to help him through this rather than letting his mum do the hard work and i'm not able to do my share. Appreciate that will take time though but some of the ideas on here have been helpful to consider as well.

something as huge a this and you seem to know squat all

when my son was assessed, both myself and my ex husband were very involved and had to give loads of information re our views and experiences with him

but not so your end it would seem

so he hasn’t got a diagnosed
and he hasn’t been assessed
or
he hasnt got a disgnosis
and he has been assessed and they have concluded he is “on the spectrum” but have diagnosed ADHD

You seem to have very little involvement, which, as i say, is not how the assessment process works. Unless your ex has actively decided that you are to remain isolated from this process for some reason

We've asked him a few times and he wants to do 50/50 as well... we get on well and he does want to spend time together, my issue is more when he gets his separation anxiety triggered and I guess i'm looking for advice on ways to calm him down from that without his mum being involved.

So when this poor boy is point blanked asked in front of his father whether he’d like 50/50, he completely understandably says what you want him to say.

But clearly his behaviour ie the anxiety, which he can’t control, indicates he thinks very differently. And you need to respect that

I may be wrong so sorry if that's the case but from what you have written is it definitely separation anxiety? Or is it a young child struggling to cope with their parents separation and feeling more comfortable with his mother?
As from what you have said the problems only come about when he is asked to do something?

Do you and his mother have the same expectations of him? Do you follow a generally similar routine? Are you stricter on him than his mother?

Could you perhaps sit down with him and talk about a routine and perhaps use a visual timetable so he knows what to expect when? Could this be done at his mother's house also?

@Newuser75 it's been an issue most of his life, and affects things like school trips, staying at relatives, friends, school clubs, doing something new etc. We do have a similar routine and don't think i'm necessarily stricter but it's hard to be consistent together 100% of the time for all activities! A visual timetable may be a good idea, which is something he can be involved with as well so it can become part of his way of doing things.

@marzipanlover81 His mother has asked about the 50/50 as well and he's said he's happy about it to her on several occasions. Nothing is fixed so if he doesn't want to, we're happy to swap over as well so he's not forced and we've changed days around a bit for him when he wanted that. I'm just looking for ideas and advice for better ways to help him from people that have experienced similar issues as this is new to both of us.

why have you not been involved with the assessment in any shape of form?

both parents esp when 50/50 are critical to assessment

what is your living arrangement? you live alone? he has own bedroom?