Dad here after some advice...
My STBXW and I split up and she’s moved into a house nearby in February. We get on fine, no dramas, no new partners, been on a family holiday together since splitting but decided to call time on our relationship together (we're 50/50 on childcare).
Oldest DS13 appears fine. Younger DS12 is having problems. He’s got ADHD (recently diagnosed) and is very attached to his mum - she’s got a significantly closer bond with him. I have a good relationship with him and do lots of activities together but she’s firmly been his comfort blanket over the years and go-to person to confide in.
My issue is that now we have separated, he can be triggered easily causing his separation anxieties to kick in. This typically results in anger, door slamming, shouting and demanding to stay at mums house. We’re jointly struggling to calm him down from this state and have let him go to mums house a couple of times if he's really distressed. He's not triggered every time he stays with me, but it is often. He can call Mum as needed etc, which he does do from time to time but that can also create issues when she's not available.
Examples that can trigger him include brushing his teeth, limiting phone time, not watching tv after 9ish on school night. I don’t think they are particularly unreasonable parenting things but these are examples of things that set him off whereas he just does this for his mum.
I do try to pick the battles, plan our time to avoid triggers and give him leeway but things still break down, which i'm trying to find ways to avoid or manage better.
Any tips or advice on ways to navigate this? I appreciate it’s all new to him/us so looking for ideas that could help and any experience from the ADHD perspective as that’s also quite new for both of us.