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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Take a new job or lose the house - need advice!

36 replies

TooManySlipperz · 29/04/2024 09:46

I know need legal advice - i have started that but just would love anyone's advice that doesnt' cost £30 every time they breathe!

Still married and living together. Have talked a lot about divorce. In counselling but it's really clear we are done. He is horrible to me every day and I can't take it anymore.

He is on £42k a year. He could be earning more but he is not bothered and does bare minimum.

I'm on £70k a year. I am on the last interview for a job at nearly £100k.

He couldn't afford our home and wouldn't want to.

The house is 50% deposit (put in entirely by me) and 50% mortgage (in both our names). We bought it 3 years ago - our first and only home.

If I got and took the 100K job, I could afford to buy him out and keep our home I think (it is next to the kids school and one of kids has SEN and I really really want to find a way to keep the kids in their home).

If I stay on £70k,I can't really afford to buy him out. I can pay the current mortgage alone (I do already) but not if he's going to argue for 50% of the equity.

But I got the promotion - would I risk losing more of the equity anyway so it's a lose-lose game?

People want to earn LESS when going through divorce no? Is it madness to get a big promotion just before divorce?

But if I get the promotion - then I can afford our current life - childcare/mortgage/buy him out - I don't need to rely on him for anything.

(by the way his pension is much much larger than me - he is public sector and used to earn more than me - i've only started earning my income in the last two years and now rising quite quickly in my sector as working my arse off)

What would you do?

OP posts:

heldinadream · 29/04/2024 09:51

I would say don't refuse the job just in order to spite your ex. If the job is one you want, take the job. Extra money and keeping your house sounds like a good thing even if it means ex contributes less. If I've understood the situation!
But that's just my opinion, FWIW.

Octavia64 · 29/04/2024 09:52

Take the job.

There are a lot of other factors in an asset split besides earning power.

It will mean you can buy him out which will give stability for the kids.

Only people who are deliberately trying to fuck their ex's over try to earn less in a divorce.

If he wants a 50:50 asset split you could always offer more pension for a bit less house.

BeckiWithAnI · 29/04/2024 10:15

Agree. Take the job. You have to think longer term. Stability and continuity of education is important for the kids. You say he has a bigger pension, I would take the line that you’ll leave his pension be if he lets you buy him out, then at least you are earning more to pay more into your pension once all is done. The fact you paid the deposit for the house is irrelevant if you are joint tenants, but that said if he’s a decent enough person he’ll acknowledge that was ‘your’ money (in practice if not legally) and be accommodating to being bought out.
As others have said, purposely reducing your income to spite an ex is usually when it’s acrimonious. For your children’s sakes you need to be as amicable and fair as possible. The courts will want to see a situation where you are both able to house yourselves in a way that allows you both to have access to the children. And you should want this to. No child wants to see either of their parents struggling or not be able to see one of them because the divorce got murky.

Flossyts · 29/04/2024 10:32

I’m pretty sure that you don’t legally need to buy him out at all until your children are 18. If you can prove you can pay the mortgage and the children live entirely with you that is. My friend went down this route and said would you like £10k now and give up your claim to the house or your share in 10 years. He took the 10k. It’s pretty shady though 🫣

Freakinfraser · 29/04/2024 10:34

Seriously you’d reject the job to spite him? Okaaay

if you want the house you need the job, he is legally entitled to Half the equity if you didn’t ring fence. Spousal support is rarely a thing now and won’t be in your case.

Freakinfraser · 29/04/2024 10:35

Flossyts · 29/04/2024 10:32

Here we go. You cannot seriously think that. Of course she needs to buy him out.

StealthMama · 29/04/2024 10:36

I agree also, if you're offered the job, and it's not too much extra stress with everything else going on then deff take it. He can't afford the house so someone is going to have to buy it, it may as well be you bearing in mind your buying at current house prices and not what you paid for it.

Have you documented the assets etc that you. It's have to see how it pans out?

Flossyts · 29/04/2024 10:37

literally my close friends experience. Morally I would buy my husband out, but I don’t know everyone’s circumstances. It might differ for the op.

Original poster

TooManySlipperz · 29/04/2024 10:40

Yes - I agree. All my instincts are to take the job. I have had initial conversations with a solicitor who was hinting to not take a new job and to sell the house and then proceed with my career after it's all finished. But we are so close to the primary school and one of our kids is going to struggle so much with the change, if I can afford to stay put with the kids and he gets another place nearby that would be so much better for them.

I have no interest in trying to screw him over at all. I want him to be happy and live somewhere safe and suitable for our kids. Of course.

Problem is he hates me. He resents my recent career progress and says i'm "up myself" He expects me to do everythign and 'jokes' about me being a shitty mum if I'm busy. I need to prep myself for him being horrible in the divorce and i don't want me or the kids to lose out either so trying not to shoot myself in the foot.

OP posts:

Original poster

TooManySlipperz · 29/04/2024 10:42

@Freakinfraser solicitor says wouldn't hvae made a difference if i had ringfenced as it's done on the needs of the kids (rightly) and therefore we need to find enough equity for him to have a suitable home - whatever i had or hadn't put in place beforehand re: the deposit.

OP posts:

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 29/04/2024 10:43

Its going to be based on needs, if you buy him out can he afford to provide a home for him and the DC when he has access. You can try to trade off the equity in the house against his pension if its going to be easy for him to rehouse himself so you keep more equity and he keeps more of his pension. Either way take the job

Flossyts · 29/04/2024 10:43

Freakinfraser · 29/04/2024 10:35

Here we go. You cannot seriously think that. Of course she needs to buy him out.

Show quote history

Morally I would buy my husband out, but I don’t know everyone’s circumstances. It might differ for the op. legally I don’t think I am incorrect….,

Unicorntearsofgin · 29/04/2024 10:44

Take the job.

In divorce the usual starting point is 50/50 but you could trade his pension for more equity which he just be willing to do.

Think long term benefit. Good luck

Original poster

TooManySlipperz · 29/04/2024 10:48

I'm very happy to buy him out. I will offer as much as I can possibly afford to while keeping the house - which will be enough for a hefty despoit should i take the new job. It won't be enough for him to buy a house similar to our home due to the wage disparity - but it will be enough for a place within 5 miles with enough space/rooms.

The stress of the new job plus divorce is making my stomach flip but i've applied for other stuff before and got nowhere so if they are gonna give this to me - i need to go for it for me and the kids.

OP posts:

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/04/2024 11:02

Flossyts · 29/04/2024 10:32

You are talking about a mesher order which is rarely given these days. Clean break is preferable.

Flossyts · 29/04/2024 11:06

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/04/2024 11:02

You are talking about a mesher order which is rarely given these days. Clean break is preferable.

Show quote history

I think I’d want a clean break too. In any case, it sounds as though op wants to do as much as she can for husband 🤷‍♀️. It’s nice when both sides can work together.

Flossyts · 29/04/2024 11:11

TooManySlipperz · 29/04/2024 10:48

i think it’s awesome that you are thinking of all your options even in their stressful time. I hope you are giving yourself credit for that. There’d be something wrong with you if this didn’t make your stomach flip. But what a fantastic opportunity for you and what great timing for this job option to arrive. I think the universe is working with you on this one. I would definitely go for the job personally.

GreatGateauxsby · 29/04/2024 11:15

take the job and get a clean break and don’t look back….

i found once I was in a 100k job it was easier to find more of this type of job…
You could easily be going for 120-130k jobs in 2 years etc.

Original poster

TooManySlipperz · 29/04/2024 12:46

Thanks. I might not even get the job. And then I guess we will have to sell the house. It's a long process right & I haven't even started the process yet. I've got a solicitor but we are still in therapy. But the writing is on the wall.

OP posts:

Original poster

TooManySlipperz · 29/04/2024 13:17

If he got 5050 - could he say the the houses should be similar size?

I can't bear to think about 5050 - last night he called our 5 year old (with learning difficulities) "disgusting" for eating rice with his hands. He gets very very stressed by the kids.

But he also likes to tell eveyrone how obsessed he with his kids and when we have talked about divorce - he sobs about how he can't live without them.

The idea of 5050 emotionally is such shit and upsetting. I will fight against it - but if I lose, he could force the sale of our house to make the 2 homes equal?

OP posts:

StealthMama · 29/04/2024 14:56

The two homes don't have to be equal. You just need to split all your assets equally / to equal value. That doesn't include your future earning capacity.

So with 50/50 split of assets and your income you will likely afford a bigger place, and that's ok.

You need to talk more seriously about what a break up might look like. And remember with the kids you often build up with 2/3 nights at each house until they can go full weeks on or off. Though it's likely your ex isn't going to cope with that but the sooner you start talking the better.

WoodBurningStov · 29/04/2024 14:59

Take the job, if he's got a large pension and you don't then it might be that you can use that to get more equity.

Wages are taken into consideration when there's a sahp, if he's got the ability to earn more but chooses not to, that's on him.

Can you get hold of any of his pension statements?

madameparis · 29/04/2024 15:13

Take the job 100%
Think about the long term and not the short term.

PoppingTomorrow · 29/04/2024 15:16

The good thing about taking the job and negotiating more equity for leaving g hsi pension alone is that you can stick loads more in your pension to get you under £100k taxable income for the purposes of free childcare hours.

Original poster

TooManySlipperz · 29/04/2024 15:29

@PoppingTomorrow ah - of course. I didn't think of that. So I put more in a pension pot (which is non existent) and still get free hours? Guess sooner I get legal process started the better.

I might not even get the job.

One thing that is worrying me is hours in the office. I can sort after school childcare for any days I need but I wpuldnt put it past him to really mess me about and make it a very hard juggle

But guess all of its better than staying. Just keep telling myself I can only control my own behaviour and choices.

OP posts:

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