ASD ex husband to get official diagnosis?

[BuckleupButtercup]

Hey everyone,
I am separated with ex husband who is undiagnosed on the spectrum. When we used to go out to parties or socials, a few people would comment if he was okay due to some awkward behaviours.

A couple of people have asked me if he has been officially diagnosed and received any therapy. He struggled with parenting of a newborn and one day he packed and left.

A year later he made contact to say he was struggling with mental issues at the time but feeling better, could he come back. I struggled with this knowing that he is opposed to seeking professional help.

Now that we are separated, and heading towards divorce, parenting with him is going to be a challenge; more so the safety of the child who is now almost 4 years old. I feel like, as extreme as it may sound, to ask the court to request an assessment on him to help plan co-parenting and make it the best one for the child.

Any thoughts?

Well there isn’t any therapy for autism specifically- and the waiting lists for diagnosis are years long. If u have concerns regarding his parenting capacity then that may be an issue you need to explore with the courts.

I don't think any ethical ASD assessment service will do an assessment on someone without their consent. There are waiting lists even for private assessments and these are expensive and it's not clear who you hope would pay. An assessment under the NHS is likely to be years waiting and would require ex going to the GP for onward referral. Also autism is a massively wide spectrum. My wife is autistic and is a social worker for children in care. Trauma and attachment issues can present similarly to autism. I would focus on what your worries are. It sounds like your ex found full time parenting overwhelming and couldn't do this 24/7 but what makes you think he can't do it at times. You mentioned safety issues so you might have really good reason but I don't think the reason is solved by a diagnosis. I would focus on a realistic and safe pain for them to maintain a relationship. I also agree with the previous poster I am not sure what you are hoping therapy will do. You can't unautistic someone so the best way is to accept some differences and have flexibility and just concentrate on anything that's a significant issue

He doesn’t need a diagnosis to seek help. You can ask him to seek support, talk therapy.

I think I would sit down and write examples of tines when he has been unable to parent safely and you have stepped in (including times when you have predicted issues and headed them off, or where his only solution has been to leave or to back out of parenting, or when you have had to accept a suboptimal choice due to his needs).

Ivwoukd say that this is likely to distress him a great deal so only do it if you feel you must.

The autism is irrelevant to the court really. Saying 'because autism' doesn't excuse or even explain bad parental behaviour imo.

Thank you for your response and advice. Yes, waiting lists are long and mostly he is not going to agree to go as he does not perceive it to be a problem.
He will get more distressed and alienated. I just need to sit and come up with a plan to make things work, especially while the child is in his care as I live 7 hours away.

It’s the black and white approach to doing things, it doesn’t work well with a toddler. I understand that there are ranges of autism and I have met different spectrums. There are some that are easier to get along with than others.

Yes, from the advice above, I gather that diagnosis is not going to solve the issue; I will have to address specific and legitimate parenting concerns.

Helpful responses, thank you. It’s really good to hear other points of view.

I understand. My ASD husband can't cope with our little ones not doing as they're told if he's over stimulated and will flip out shouting and swearing nonsense. It's horrid.

I would write a list as stated above and discuss with your solicitor and HV?

How often does he see your child right now?

If he has not been consistently in your child's life will he be able to take them 7 hours away given it will mean overnights?

We are in the process of getting contact. He went to a lawyer asking the he gets a week every 2 months, amongst other struck requests. Never spent a night alone with the child since birth.

He has a friend who is a social worker and she has been talking to him about the importance of contact, which I understand. That’s when suddenly out of the blue there was a long list of written parents agreement that took me by surprise.

I could tell it’s not written by him, having lived with him for 5 years. So he wants to do what is right but when it actually comes to do what is written in paper, practically it is going to be overwhelming for him and I am concerned that the child will suffer as a result.

You are your child's advocate, and you know your child the best.

Of course contact is important, and he has rights, but everything should be arranged on the child's terms and best interests, not your STBXH, and given his absences to date, I would not be handing DC over quickly. There is no way I would agree to one week a month, at this point, but I would be willing to start with an afternoon.

My ASD husband is wonderful with our kids but he did find it very hard to have them alone for prolonged periods, until they got bigger. (However, he also sees a psychologist and takes ADHD medication which has made a massive difference).

Why did he move 7 hours away? How does he propose to establish and build a relationship? What about school?

Seek legal advice.

Thank you. I did forward his proposed parental agreement document to a family lawyer. I might have to get another lawyer because this one (elderly male) said, “of course, a child needs to have contact with his father. Your son will need a father in his life!” Grrr

He moved back to his hometown which is 7 hours away; also to be closer to his 17 year old son from previous relationship.
There’s a clause in the document that says once our son turns five, he should be able to travel unaccompanied on the plane (1hr15 duration). He is stranger, last saw the child over 2 years ago!

My son is 5 and no way I'd be sending on a plane unaccompanied. I can't believe the social worker friend is trying to support this instead of helping the dad see what is reasonable and realisic. Definitely support a relationship but he needs to come down and get to know his child first!

One week a month isn’t workable for a school age child and your child will presumably be going to school in September.

Would he react better if a court told him that his expectations are unreasonable ? Even local NRP can only expect 50% of school holidays and if he’s not seen your son for 2 years then he needs to build up contact, not dive into a whole week.

Apart from being crazily and ridiculously impractical to send a 5yo on a plane alone, you may find the airline won't allow it anyway. Some do do unaccompanied minor schemes, but not all by a long stretch

Tell him to take it to court and go and speak to a solicitor yourself. No court is going to agree to a five year old going anywhere unsupervised, nevermind on a plane. They also wouldn't hand the child over to someone they don't know for a week overnight.

Tell him he can have contact with his child supervised for a short period of time now and build up to longer contact as the child gets older. This is what most professionals would suggest.

If he hasn't seen your child for two years, why does he suddenly want to now?

This sounds totally and utterly insane. This alleged social worker has not supported an agreement between you both she has just written something completely unacceptable child focused to help your ex. There are all kinds of social workers but I haven't met any who would argue for a 5 year old to travel alone on a plan that's crazy. Go on cafcass website and look at some parenting plans and make your own suggestions. Are you able to do any travel to where ex lives? You could suggest holidays with you doing some travel and him some staying in the area to build the relationship up over a series of visits and work out what is safe. Then supplement times they can't be together in person with video calls. You can try and resolve through mediation rather than court. If it doesn't work and you end up in court at least you can show you've made an effort to build a relationship. I wonder if your ex will consistently maintain an effort during all this. Perhaps if he makes the effort and commits and can be stable and reliable you may feel more comfortable but his plan is very unlikely to be entertained by the court

That’s why am wondering if his autism has to do with him not seeing the bigger picture and try to be practical and reasonable.
Communicating with him and trying to make him see how his expectations are impractical is going to fall on death ears. What will help to get to a reasonable outcome is involving the courts; as from my current solicitor, well, not much help.

The courts will expect you to try and resolve it first anyway. Unless there are very significant reasons to you need to do mediation first. It's part of the pre court requirements. Court isn't fun and you will be relying on the decision of someone you don't know. It usually adds to conflict. You may be getting the legal advice you are as you're aren't proposing anything in the meantime and keen to go straight to court. It would be a really good idea for you to think carefully about what is a good arrangement for your son and do as much as you can to agree. I would explain any communication or behaviour difficulties in terms of the issues you are having and what it means for your children's experience. Going on a wild goose chase for a diagnosis he doesn't agree to getting isn't your answer here. He may well be autistic but it's really how he cares for your child that's relevant. Have a look for solicitors who are members of the resolve scheme if that still exists. They focus on trying to involve conflict and get helpful resolution

My ex is very very likely undiagnosed ASD. Professionals who work in the area and also his own siblings think he is so it’s not just some notion in my head others have picked up on it too.
We are currently going through court proceedings. It’s been hell tbh. He can’t accept that things haven’t gone his way because he is ‘right’ and everyone else is wrong. We have reports from specialists who have stated ex has no understanding of DC needs(DC is also autistic). I know he will keep going for as long as he can because I know that when he feels like he has been treated ‘unfairly’ he never lets it go, no matter how long it’s been. I can’t roll over and agree to his demands because DC needs and also wishes comes first. One positive of the court case is I no longer have to deal with him directly. All communication is via the solicitors.

You have to do right by your child. This man is a stranger to your child and majority of people would agree that he needs to build up contact with your child first before going to stay with him. However, you might not be able to persuade him. Your DC should once it’s safe get opportunity to build a relationship with their father but it has to be focused on your child’s best interests. Any time you doubt yourself just go back and remind yourself of what your child’s best interests are. You will have to sometimes go along with things that you know won’t be great because you can’t be seen to be blocking or interfering with their relationship.

That’s why am wondering if his autism has to do with him not seeing the bigger picture and try to be practical and reasonable

Hmmmm. You couldn’t get a more practical or reasonable person than my (adult) child with ASD. Not just me being pie eyed but also said by employers, friends and everyone who knows them. In fact, they excel in being practical and reasonable as they remove the emotion from the situation when having to assess and make decisions - purely made on logic and reason. So, interesting that you wonder if autism prohibits this. Maybe it does in some people, but it’s not a universal thing.

There are different types of autism. Mine is deeply empathetic and I have issues around social anxiety. My ex husband is more on the narcissistic side. He thinks everyone but him should be perfect. He’s always right especially when he isn’t. My son is more like I am, but he doesn’t have social anxiety just a lack of social skills. My ex is hard work and sounds a bit like the ex in the OP. Your sweeping generalisation is insulting tbh, everyone is different and autism isn’t the whole person, it coexists with their intrinsic personality.

I feel like, as extreme as it may sound, to ask the court to request an assessment on him to help plan co-parenting and make it the best one for the child.

I do know of a mother who did something like this, but it was in the US so not very relevant here. The father was a very intelligent man who wasn't able to recognise the basic needs of a pre-verbal child and the autism assessment and subsequent therapy were a condition of access. The therapy didn't "treat" his autism but it identified specific deficits and gave him coping strategies and safety mechanisms.

That wouldn't fly in the UK, but an outside authority like a court can take the heat out of trying to make someone see sense about access and a child's needs. Maybe try to find a solicitor who understands a child's needs better than the first one you found though! And put the emphasis on "yes a child needs his father so how can we meet that need safely and in the most beneficial way for our/my child, given that his father doesn't know him and lives 7 hours travel away".

they excel in being practical and reasonable as they remove the emotion from the situation when having to assess and make decisions - purely made on logic and reason.

There is a difference between what is logical and what is reasonable. "Reasonable" involves weighing up other people's needs and other people's points of view. And quite often other people's feelings too.

If a father doesn't have a good sense of what a four year old needs or how a four year old feels then his "logical" solutions are not going to be practical or reasonable at all.

@MrsSlocombesCat Your sweeping generalisation is insulting tbh, everyone is different and autism isn’t the whole person, it coexists with their intrinsic personality

Read what I wrote again. I wasn’t making any sweeping generalisation. Exactly the opposite in that I used an example to show OP that they shouldn’t make sweeping generalisations as what she attributed to ASD is not universal.