I want to leave with the kids, how do I tell him?

[desperatetorestart]

Apologies for the long post but I wanted to provide context and I'm not great at summarising.

I'm 32, my boyfriend is 42 and we have two daughters aged 5 and 2. We've been together for nearly 10 years.

The list of issues is long and with maturity paired with the gradual lifting of my postnatal cloud, I can now see that I need to get out.

Some issues below:

• He sees actual parenting as solely my role. I've tried telling him I'm desperate for more help and suffering with years of sleep deprivation nothing has changed.

• He is short tempered and I live on eggshells, I'm always doing something wrong. Sometimes I can hear him kicking off about something or throwing a phone and I tense up wondering if it's something I've done or if he's just angry at a video game this time.

• He kicks off about random interactions with strangers too, if he doesn't hear someone thank him for holding a door he will rant about "f**king ungrateful people" for ages. It's exhausting.

• He successfully convinced me to leave work after both children and he is now unhappy that I've returned to work and "jokily" guilts me about abandoning our youngest.

The key issue is that he now has to wake up at 8 rather than 11 to do the short nursery/school drop off.

• His tone with the children is too harsh. His level of anger never matches the "crime", he's sworn at both of them and my 5 year old told me that she doesn't feel safe when she makes daddy angry. (this isn't often but a few is more than enough)

I am extremely avoidant of confrontation and passive (to a fault). I'm patient and considered so we've never had a two way fight.

He owns our flat so I'm the one who will leave with the children to share a room at my parents place until I'm back on my feet.

I've worked out a plan for how life will look once I'm on the other side but I don't know how to approach the actual conversation to tell him I want to move out.

He is aware that I hate his outbursts and that I think he's too harsh with the children. There are things he is unhappy with too (lack of sex life and he thinks the children and I are "taking over his flat" with our things).

Despite those issues I know he will feel completely blindsided and I'm fearful of his reaction to the shock.

Do you have any advice for how I can open the conversation with such a person in a gentle way? Things are good a lot of the time so I don't know how to just bring it up randomly.

I don't still want to be here in a year just because I'm a coward. My children deserve a more than this.

p.s. I have adhd and I'm often paralysed by the fear of making to wrong choice which I why I think I'm stuck stuck at this seemingly tiny stumbling block.

Don't tell him. He may turn violent. It would be much safer just to leave. Tell him when you are safely gone.

Wait until he’s out of the flat and just get out of there, no need to tell him before.
He sounds like a nightmare and is nasty with the children, if not for yourself, do it for them.

Agree with pp that you should get your ducks in a row and just leave, then tell him.
Much safer for you and the kids.

If he kicks off for the slightest reason, there’s no telling how he’ll react to this news.

Leave first and then call him. There is no nice way to do this and you need to get away from this abusive horrible arsehole. Protect your kids OP and yourself and do this ASAP.

@desperatetorestart

Quietly start getting important documents stored at your parents' house (eg: your and your children's passports, birth certificates, any investment documents etc). And I agree, don't warn him ahead of time.

Do some "spring cleaning/decluttering" of things/clothes" you don't use often and stash them at your parents home or elsewhere.

Change passwords to your own personal bank account(s), email account, any TV streaming channels, Amazon etc.

Take your name off any utility or other bills you cover (take a photo with your phone so you have all the relevant information so you can do that within a couple of days after you move.

Get your mail redirected with the post office. You can do that online and takes about seven days.

If you have electronic devices which are synched with his unsynch them.

If you can, when he's not around, take a photo of his payslip which may come in useful when you claim child maintenance with CMS.

Check what benefits (eg universal credit) you might be entitled to www.entitled to.co.uk

Ensure YOU are claiming child benefit for the National Insurance/state pension contributions benefit.

Can you get people to help you move in one fell swoop when he's away anywhere? Maybe when he's on a business trip, away with friends, etc.?

Be careful who you tell - you don't want him to find out until you and the children are out of "his flat". 🌹

I would leave with all passports docs etc when he out and then email him and explain. No court in the land would give unsupervised visits to a man who has shown that level of stress ion to their children. I hope your parents are supportive of you OP. Call 999 if you feel threatened in the meantime, and also have a look into the women's aid freedom programme. It takes a woman an average of 7 times to fully leave an abusive relationship, you can do this and life will be so so much better for you all, you and your children deserve the life you dream of. ❤️

Decide a date when you are leaving, do your detective work for financial information. Move anything of value, jewellery, anything of sentimental value, passports, birth certificates, dc red books, car log book & insurance. Recruit help for leaving day, you need to get as much out as you can as quick as you can & if you have other people there & he turns up there is less chance of him kicking off. Try to make leaving day when dc are at school, that way they won't be involved if he turns up. Make sure you have money, get cashback every time you shop, open a bank account in your name & get everything you get paid into it. As you are fleeing DV, you can ask to have a tag on your phone numbers which means you get priority if you ring 999, get a ring doorbell at your parents & your new home when you get one, ask your local council if they have a sanctuary scheme, it means they will have someone come out & fit outside lights, extra locks on doors & windows, vibration alarms for if anyone tries to force windows open, it's free for anyone leaving for DV. Even though the flat is his, you are entitled to half the equity. As soon as you are settled, see a solicitor & serve him divorce papers. Lastly, don't trust him an inch, if he gives you any problems, don't be afraid to ring the police. Good luck.

Ducks in a row OP. At a similar stage I found it really helpful to have a chat with womens aid. Once I had let out my problems the woman asked what I wanted to happen going forward. It sounds strange but because I’d been in a state of adrenaline for so long I wasn’t planning just reacting. I think I had to step back mentally to move forwards. Not sure if that makes sense?

32 and 22. Who could've seen this coming?

Oh OP, you're doing the right thing for you and your kids.

I'd also suggest keeping records / a diary of any interactions, they may come in useful for any divorce/custody proceedings, but may also give you confidence if following through with your plan.

Don't be a dickhead.
There's 13yrs between my nana and gramp who have been married since 1950, 13yrs between my aunt and uncle, married 30yrs and 13yrs between my dad and step mum married 25yrs.
Age gaps can work.

Can I encourage you to speak to a helpline at somewhere like womens aid? The fact you are scared of his reaction is telling me you need to take professional advice. As someone who has had to leave 2 abusive relationships, it's definitely the most dangerous time. They eill help you make a plan and think of everything you need to do.
Well done for doing this. I too have adhd and have been a chronic people pleaser and there is a happy life with your children on the other side.

I'm with everyone else. He's an abuser. Don't have a face to face conversation, it isn't safe. Lay the groundwork and then just go while he's out. Send him an email afterwards.

Definitely don't pre warn him.

Be careful of changing bank accounts in case they send letters to your address. Set everything up at your parents.

Get trusted family and friends to help you leave/move.

Thank you everyone! I think the issue here is that I've struggled seeing this as an abusive relationship and have been framing it as "I'm just very sensitive because I'm all the way on the anti-confrontation" end of the scale.

For this reason I hadn't considered leaving without a face to face conversation. I occasionally take the children to my parents for the weekend so it would be completly doable to plan one of these weekends in and then let him know once I'm there.

Based on the advice from a few of you I will contact womensaid for extra advice. I've checked their website before but didn't think my situation applied and I didn't want to waste their time.

Thank you for all the advice, I appreciate the outside eyes for perspective.

@Elephantswillnever and @Coffeesnob11 I just wanted to thank you both directly for sharing advice from personal experience. I will make time to speak to womensaid today.

This! Make sure you have your ducks in a row. Don't tell him until you're safely out with the kids.

Absolutely just leave one weekend and don’t tell him until you’re out.

i think it’s also worth considering whether you are genuinely just very non confrontational or whether he has trained you to be this way with his outbursts/anger/rants. Or did he choose you because you are relatively passive (I get it, I am too) and then train you on top of that. Also you’ve done amazingly well to get back into work against his wishes and to be planning a safe future for your DDs. That sounds pretty assertive to me, it’s in you and you just need to make a plan and get out at this point.

Don't tell him
Wait till you away and elsewhere.
Use a third party your friend family or solicitor
He has aggressive tendency which will be worse when you leave
And / or he will play the poor me crying role
Do not be fooled
Think how you willfacilitate contact with dc longer term
Use a third party

It’s great you are going to call woman’s aid.
I totally understand how hard it is to realise you are in an abusive relationship. I was the same. If it’s safe (or once you have left) write down all the things he does, like you started to in the OP. I found it really helpful to have that list, things I knew happened. In your head you can give them whatever label you like- angry/ unkind/ unacceptable to do that to the kids etc, and maybe over time it will be easier to see them as abusive

Just to provide an update to round this off, I spoke to womens aid online today.

They echoed you all in seeing his outbursts as a pattern of abuse and repeated the advice that I should leave first and explain later.
They explained that although the conversation could go ok, the risk is not worth it and I have no control over his reaction.

My plan - I'm aiming for the next school half term. My mum usually helps with childcare in the holidays and I'm hoping the week off school makes the transition easier. My partner also works longer hours during school holidays starting work earlier.

My mum can collect the children in the morning as normal while my partner's still home and I can say I'm WFH.
Once he leaves I can grab everything I need to take and go.

I will send an email that evening explaining that I've left and why.

Is it a good idea to ease his concerns about seeing the children by making an arrangement suggestion in that initial email or should I leave dust to settle first?

Thank you again for all of your help!

So7nds like a solid plan.
Good luck

I’m glad you’ve spoken to Women’s Aid,OP and your getaway plan going forward sounds good !

Regarding arrangements for child care, I wouldn’t mention that in the first email.
I wouldn’t mention it at all unless he does.

Given his behaviour to your 5 year old where she tells you she doesn’t feel safe, I’d prefer him to have supervised contact only.

@desperatetorestart

My mum can collect the children in the morning as normal while my partner's still home and I can say I'm WFH. Once he leaves I can grab everything I need to take and go.

Is there someone else (your dad? Sibling? Close friend?) who can help you grab stuff, pack stuff in cars (so you can take more in one go). 🌹

Initial email
I ve left and staying with parents.

You can contact me about child contact arrangements on this email set up a new one specially [email protected]

Wait to see his reac
If crying ignore say will arrange for you to see dc at xxx public space on ssxxx day

If turns up angry do not open door call police for witness to his behaviour

Do not engage with him