I want to leave with the kids, how do I tell him?

[desperatetorestart]

Apologies for the long post but I wanted to provide context and I'm not great at summarising.

I'm 32, my boyfriend is 42 and we have two daughters aged 5 and 2. We've been together for nearly 10 years.

The list of issues is long and with maturity paired with the gradual lifting of my postnatal cloud, I can now see that I need to get out.

Some issues below:

• He sees actual parenting as solely my role. I've tried telling him I'm desperate for more help and suffering with years of sleep deprivation nothing has changed.

• He is short tempered and I live on eggshells, I'm always doing something wrong. Sometimes I can hear him kicking off about something or throwing a phone and I tense up wondering if it's something I've done or if he's just angry at a video game this time.

• He kicks off about random interactions with strangers too, if he doesn't hear someone thank him for holding a door he will rant about "f**king ungrateful people" for ages. It's exhausting.

• He successfully convinced me to leave work after both children and he is now unhappy that I've returned to work and "jokily" guilts me about abandoning our youngest.

The key issue is that he now has to wake up at 8 rather than 11 to do the short nursery/school drop off.

• His tone with the children is too harsh. His level of anger never matches the "crime", he's sworn at both of them and my 5 year old told me that she doesn't feel safe when she makes daddy angry. (this isn't often but a few is more than enough)

I am extremely avoidant of confrontation and passive (to a fault). I'm patient and considered so we've never had a two way fight.

He owns our flat so I'm the one who will leave with the children to share a room at my parents place until I'm back on my feet.

I've worked out a plan for how life will look once I'm on the other side but I don't know how to approach the actual conversation to tell him I want to move out.

He is aware that I hate his outbursts and that I think he's too harsh with the children. There are things he is unhappy with too (lack of sex life and he thinks the children and I are "taking over his flat" with our things).

Despite those issues I know he will feel completely blindsided and I'm fearful of his reaction to the shock.

Do you have any advice for how I can open the conversation with such a person in a gentle way? Things are good a lot of the time so I don't know how to just bring it up randomly.

I don't still want to be here in a year just because I'm a coward. My children deserve a more than this.

p.s. I have adhd and I'm often paralysed by the fear of making to wrong choice which I why I think I'm stuck stuck at this seemingly tiny stumbling block.

Is there any way you could do all contact through a 3rd party (solicitor or mediator) once you've sent the initial email?

I'm by no means an expert here at all - but from experience once you've left is when the emotional manipulation ramps up hugely, and he won't be able to do that if he's going through someone else to talk to you.

Best of luck OP, you're being extremely brave x

The OP calls him her boyfriend, I don't think they're married. So she won't be entitled to any of the equity in his flat.

Good luck with everything, OP I agree with a PP, can you get a friend to help you pack up stuff and load it into cars. I've had to do this, and it's amazing how long it takes!

OP I was in a scarily similar situation even down to the avoidance of confrontation. Stay strong! I’m 2 years down the line now and things are still not sorted (although are getting closer). If I could do it all again, this is what I would have done:

• Wait for the dust to settle.
• Do not engage with him re finances or any sort of discussion. He is going to make you feel awful. Do not listen! Send a standard reply and grey rock him. You do not have to put up with further abuse.
• Attend a MIAM for mediation.
• He will have to attend a MIAM for mediation, if he refuses (my ex did for nearly 16 months) apply to court.
• Complete a Form A for the finances and apply to court.
• You will then have to wait about 6 months before the first court hearing. It sounds a long time, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s not long (some divorces drag on 2-4 years!).
• Prior to court, you will both be required by law to make a full financial disclosure (a Form E). You can complete yourself - takes a while pulling together financial information but no reason why you can’t do yourself. Plenty of advice online.
• Only when you have his completed Form E, arrange to see a solicitor. I have paid for 3 hours fixed fee to review the forms and suggest a fair settlement.
• Make an offer.
• If he does not like the offer and you can’t agree, attend court and argue your case. You can self-represent so it is free except the initial court fee of a few hundred pounds.
• A judge will ultimately decide what is a fair outcome.

I know Court seems very scary and you probably don’t want to escalate things. BUT it doesn’t sound like he will be looking for a fair outcome and will make it difficult so you’ll end up there anyway. Save yourself the heartache of prolonged hell over years and do it straight away. You can try to be nice and accommodating, but from personal experience, it won’t work.

Re only seeking legal advice after your Form E is received, from personal experience, I wasted money with a solicitor because my ex refused to provide financial disclosure, so we didn’t reallr get anywhere. I wasted thousands and achieved nothing. When you have financial disclosure, you can make better informed decisions.

If you want to speak with someone, solicitors often offer an initial consultation. Also there are law clinics that offer free 30 mins advice which I found super helpful. You need to know his rough financial information though.

Prepare yourself that you might have to consider shared childcare arrangements. He is also their father and the kids have a right to have a relationship with him. Definitely seek mediation to help with this and if that fails, court. Do not agree to anything you’re not comfortable with, even if it means confrontation.

Sorry - this is long and probably way ahead of where you’e at now - but please bear it in mind when the time comes and don’t make the same mistakes that thousands of other divorcing couples make.

You are doing the right thing. You and your children will love a happier life. I may have far less money, will have a smaller house, have made lots of sacrifices but I wouldn’t change it in a heartbeat - all totally worth it to be free of a live living on eggshells. My children are all happier too. I’m so pleased you have family close by to support you.

Good luck OP - agree with previous posters also, definitely go and then tell him.

Sorry - also from a financial point of view - are you working? You’ll probably have to try to maximise your earnings where you can although appreciate very hard with young children.

You might be entitled to UC which is a huge help with childcare fees.

https://www.turn2us.org.uk/get-support/information-for-your-situation/universal-credit-uc/how-much-universal-credit-uc-will-i-get

If you have his P60, you can calculate child maintenance based on the online calculator and see if you can arrange for his to pay the advised amount. You can always apply to CMS later if you have difficulties.

Thank you so much for the additional advice.

I have a friend on mind who will be willing to help and she has a car so I'll definitely ask for her help closer to the time.

Thank you for all the detailed legal advice too! We are no married so there are no financial entanglements and I won't be entitled to any % of his flat. This is strangely something I'm quite glad about as his family are extremely money/asset obsessed. I know a divorce settlement situation would have become extremely messy and his family have endless means so I'd have probably ended up badly off anyway.

I am working but I will definitely need to apply for universal credit once I'm ready to leave my parents home and rent as my current salary won't quite cover both rent and childcare.

The few days since my first post have felt very strange. I've gone from planning to handle this like a normal break up for a smooth transition into co-parenting to actually realising the safest option might be to run, throw the grenade from a distance and hope for the best.
This is extremely scary and it goes against all my instincts but I also know that my instincts can't be trusted or I wouldn't be in this situation.

Thank you again, for reading and replying ❤️

@Nimbus1999 OP isn't married.