Fair outcome and losing my solicitor

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Hello. I am 3.5yrs into a separation and have been trying to get divorced for over 2 years. We are both 46 and have 3 DC; 11,14&15. I live in the family home and my ex has a place (3 bed so meets his needs). I have around 350 equity and he has around 110 (although he is currently challenging the court ordered valuations) . My pension is worth maybe 100k more although I also have part of it that is final salary so his solicitor wants a pension sharing order. I have taken out two loans and used any savings I had (circa 30k+) We have delayed the FDR due to not having the valuations at the time and a potential need for pension sharing. His parents are financially behind him so he has no motivation to sort but I can’t justify borrowing more money….i still need to pay it back. I am thinking my only way out is to stand my solicitors down and go forward alone. He seems like a man on a mission to destroy me….does not recognise mine or the children’s needs and I feel just wants to ‘beat’ me. He has the kids every other weekend. Used to have them every other Thursday too but that stopped. I earn more than him although he dropped his hours during the divorce for depression reasons. He earns around 50k and I 70k. Key questions are, what is a fair outcome? could I offer him pension in exchange for keeping the family home? What is a judge likely to decide? That I sell the home? And big one, if I stop solicitors and move forward alone will I get torn apart by his solicitor, are there any gotchas, how will the court view it?
Does anyone have any words of wisdom please xx
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We are both 47! Finger trouble. Just thinking about the pension offer and him not being able to access for 10yrs….and the fact that my youngest is 11 which would almost be at that pension age by the time she is out of full time education.

whats actually causing the delay?

what is his proposal for settlement? Whats yours?
currebtly you earn more , have higher pension, and 78% of equity. It’s very imbalanced in your favour. It’s likely to need to be much nearer to 50:59. You could look to try offset pension for higher equity but it’s likely to need to be more liquid asset.

how far apart are you in terms of proposals? Why do you say he’s out to destroy you? What’s he doing?

you can do it alone … lots of resources online but the key is to understand both your proposals and negotiate to bring them closer

You need a proper valuation on your pension btw if not already one, especially as part of it final salary.

a judge is v likely to want to see 50:50 overall here based on limited info here.

you have a high salary and reasonable equity. What’s stopping you selling, dividing the equity and pensions fairly and you buying a new house? You’d have enough money for this.

Surely you could argue for more than 50:50 if you've got the children most of the time?

Ref him focussed on destroying. He is obsessed. He’s just split of his girlfriend of over 18m because he needs to focus on his health and the divorce….and she was really lovely! His questions on the valuation went into pages and pages. I feel he’s irrational. He sent me some houses through that he thought would be acceptable for me and the kids and they were the worst of the worse.

I know the current situation is not fair. He has offered no options….he just wants to gather more info, when we split, who bought first houses, the square meter age of the family home…. It took court to order him to allow a valuation of his property.

He also changed his solicitor after the first court hearing so that has cost money for me too getting her up to speed.

We have a CETV on the pensions but I understand that is not acceptable.

Our kids are happy and relatively stable which is good though.

Based on cetv if I gave him one of my pensions in its entirety we would be 53:47 in my favour.

I’d struggle to buy a property where I live with half the equity. I am fortunate at the moment as I have a 4 bed.

Did you actually have a first court hearing? If so what were the indications in that?

you can of course do this without a solicitor but that will mean more time and potentially emotional drain on you - if you can handle that then it’s possible and many people do it

you need to get him to a situation where he gives you a proposal. Has your solicitor directly requested this ? What is your solicitor proposing as next steps? Are you in position to seek court hearing now ?

in many ways it’s not in your interests to progress this as you’ll be the one losing out I think - so if he won’t engage you can simply ignore and carry on ( I realise it’s harder than that and you want to end this!) but if he wants to sell house, get more money etc then he’s the one that needs to provide info and start acting sensibly

it is normal process to provide examples of ‘suitable ‘ properties - he will simply be using those to argue why you don’t need the fmh and can be housed adequately elsewhere. You can of course raise objections to this stating reasons why

The judge said it’s a simple needs case, that the pensions were inconsequential (can’t remember exact term) and she wanted us back in court with property valuations.

Then he brought in a new solicitor and the whole process has been delayed. It took a solicitors having a meeting and probably 6 back and forths just to get a letter agreed for the valuer…I’ve probably spent £5k since court and increasing just to get a valuation. We got it but he is challenging it.

I don’t think trying to get an equal share of the equity is trying to destroy you. It is what he is entitled to.

Your position needs to change to avoid court. This is about equity. You need to find about 120 k to give to him. He may get a pension share as well.

The money on solicitors is wasted as this isn’t a tricky divorce. You wanting to keep the FMH and most of the equity is the problem.

I am the primary carer. Does that count for nothing in a divorce? The fact that I take all the load?

Agree with lemontt

Not much no
you’ll likely get slightly higher as children reside predominantly with you %but
you earn more,
have higher pension
you are both deemed as needing sane housing opportunities and you’re currently sitting on the highest share of liquid assets ( the equity).

I should also add he doesn’t need the money. His parents will give him a significant amount when all this is done. Appreciate that is not relevant in court but from my point of view he is not thinking about the kids.

Thanks for taking the time to respond btw ☺️

It is relevant to CMS but not to housing needs. If you co parent these are the same. Your contention that he is adequately housed in the 3 bed undermines your claim to need four. Your own argument defeats your claim.

The only area you might get some traction is around your children’s education. This might justify a mesher order until exams are done and they can change school or leave home at 18. If you got this you will be taking a massive haircut in your 50’s. He will retain an % interest in the property for 3-8 years even as you pay the mortgage. That 100k+ that you owe will grow and grow. You won’t be better positioned to take out a mortgage then and you will have to sell and downsize.

Two children stay over at his 4 nights a month. 1 child usually 2 nights a month. The rest of the nights they are with me. Does that really represent the same housing needs?

Well you don’t need a 4 bed so a 3 bed each would be fair. It would be hard to push otherwise in court.

You need to get rid of the idea of his parents funding him
that is not relevant to your case it his entitlement to the marital assets

I think you need to reframe your mind to what fair in the eyes of the law - which is he’s entitled to his fair share of assets and same housing as you in order to have the children.

I think solicitors take you a certain way. Mine has always stated his needs are met and so are yours. It’s all a minefield.

But as well as needs there’s a principle of sharing. And currently that is v unbalanced and not fair to him ( based on what you say)

Agree ref not currently fair. Trying to understand the options. Feels like selling is the only way.

It’s crappy op
i can understand why you feel aggrieved by this and it’s hard to accept.

hopefully you can think things through and get things progressing

If the children spend the majority of time with you and are all under 18 I don't see how a judge can force you to sell your 4 bed home (which with three children seems reasonable that is what you need) and uprooting the children in a move which may also necessitate them changing schools.
Your STBX is playing games and wasting money by having changed solicitors and delaying the judge's request for home valuations.
Hope it gets sorted soon OP.

You need to get your pension valued and go from there, the final salary part of your pension is worth a lot of money. Things are definitely very unfair in your favour at the moment.