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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

New baby, 4yo, husband wants to leave

40 replies

OhGodIAmTired · 21/04/2024 20:18

A few weeks after giving birth to our second child my husband said he wasn’t happy and it was over. He said a lot of awful things I won’t go into. I asked why we couldn’t work on it. His story has changed constantly - from “we don’t even argue anymore, the spark has gone” to “we’re toxic and fight constantly”

in my postpartum state I don’t really know what’s happened

now he’s said it’s over and I accepted it. Am devastated but also know he’s been treating me badly for a long long time.

Then he says; let’s talk about what “trying” looks like.

i feel all over the place. He’s put me through hell for six months.

we have no family around. And only a small amount of equity. Divorce means renting a 1-2bed flat and my eldest is so so attached to his dad. I’m so worried how he’ll be.

we also wanted to move Areas but husband avoided all these big conversations so now I just feel even more lost…

i just don’t know how to raise two kids alone when one is so little still.

OP posts:
Raspberrysoup · 21/04/2024 20:29

You poor love - that sounds like an awful situation to be in. Hopefully someone will be along shortly with some good advice but in the meantime sending you a massive hug.

Sdpbody · 21/04/2024 20:31

He's having an affair. This is exactly how it happens.

Sdpbody · 21/04/2024 20:31

Sorry that this isn't very helpful.

You will cope for now and you will eventually thrive.

Temporaryname158 · 21/04/2024 20:32

If he’s been awful to you for 6 months I think it would be wise to cut your loses. Do y
ou even want to work it out?

if not, I think you should keep it under wraps. Pack and go and move to your parents/family and worry what He’s going to feel about it later. You need support with 2 young children and you aren’t getting by it from him

dragonscannotswim · 21/04/2024 20:33

I'm so sorry to hear this. Sounds like he's having an affair and reinventing the past to cover up.

I wonder if this may be a blessing in disguise though, if he has treated you badly for years? Though I appreciate it's a huge shock now.

I'd go to a SHL, find out your rights, get angry and start fighting.

Sending 💐

LostittoBostik · 21/04/2024 20:35

Also suspect it's highly likely he's been having an affair and now the Ofher Woman has called it off or said she absolutely doesn't want to live with him/be a step parent every other weekend.

Don't take him back. You can't see how you'll do it, but somehow you will.

I think legally you would have a good case for keeping the house as the children are so young.

Don't say anything right now, lead him on a bit if you must, but pay for a session of shit hot legal advice to see where you stand on housing.

Sunnnybunny72 · 21/04/2024 20:35

Put the wind up him. Ask him which half of the week he wants to do his 24/7 sole half of the parenting.

LostittoBostik · 21/04/2024 20:37

Sunnnybunny72 · 21/04/2024 20:35

Put the wind up him. Ask him which half of the week he wants to do his 24/7 sole half of the parenting.

I mean, this isn't the "wind up him", this is the facts when the baby is a little older.

Fuck it. You deserve to have both your children and the life you want.

He's a twat. Being single is better than this.

Purplecatshopaholic · 21/04/2024 20:38

I’m so sorry op. This smacks of classic affair behaviour. Take back control and start planning your future - you will be ok, it will take time.

BirthdayRainbow · 21/04/2024 20:38

He wants to try because you've not done what he expected. He expected you to fall about and cry and beg him to stay.

Do your son a favour and show him what men should be like. Get rid of your not dear h.

Whatachliche · 21/04/2024 20:40

sounds like an affair. the way he is rewriting history etc is 'the script' look for it on mumsnet.

also google chump lady - all you need you know about the script.

go snd see the best divorce solicitor you can afford. make the appointment tomorrow. tell tell you want to stay in the house (if thats what you want) and see if they think its possible based on the situation.

I am in a similar situation and the wise and brilliant women of MN made me see a solicitor early on - game changer for my situation.

ChimneyPot · 21/04/2024 20:42

What does he thinking trying should look with when you have a baby a few weeks old and a 4 year old.

I would think him trying would be him being supportive to his wife, minding his children and picking up more of the load in the home.
I suspect he means you should try, specifically more sex.

Anyone who does this when they have a newborn baby is not worthy of you.

HesterPrincess · 21/04/2024 20:55

He doesn't get to turn your entire world upside down, then dictate what you can do afterwards. Find some family/friends to rely on, and move nearer them. He ended the marriage, not you.

Time to put a wall in front of his wants and needs, he lost that right when he broke your heart.

Calminacrisis · 21/04/2024 20:55

Sorry OP, I’m another one who thinks it sounds like the script. I wish I’d had Mumsnet when it was done to me. It wouldn’t surprise me if the OW has got cold feet hence your H is talking about trying. But for him, as for my exH, trying will only mean you trying.

It does get better. All the impossible things can be dealt with, one by one, even though they seem so overwhelming now. Get some good legal advice and take care of yourself 💐

CrispieCake · 21/04/2024 22:21

So having put you in a shit position at one of the most vulnerable times of your life, is he now planning to set up a load of "hoops" for you to jump through for the dubious privilege of "keeping" him?

He's shown you who he is.

Original poster
OhGodIAmTired · 22/04/2024 10:06

Thank you everyone.

i have always believed in the saying “when someone shows you who they really are, believe them”

the problem is our current home isn’t ideal - it’s tiny and shared ownership, but we have another 18m on the mortgage so maybe I should just focus on staying here (without him) for now.

i have suspected an affair many times - there are some possible signs but equally, I am not completely sure that’s the stituation. He’s obsessed with being seen as A Good Guy so I don’t think he’d ever ever let it come out if there was someone else. I suspect he has a crush on a younger version of me who appears more free, fun and sexy.

tbh I think he just can’t handle the responsibility of family life. He’s deeply selfish and I see that now.

i just hate the thought of breaking my 4yo’s heart. That’s what keeps me here. Plus the money worries. And also every week we seem to have a lovely day or afternoon where it’s “the old him” and I get a taste of what we could have had (if he wasn’t such a prick lol).

OP posts:
Original poster
OhGodIAmTired · 22/04/2024 10:08

Also, is it not unfair to the kids to move them away from the dad? I’d need to move 2hrs away to be close to family but there i would have support and be able to afford a proper home for the kids. Where we live now I’ll be renting a tiny flat forever.

OP posts:
Sdpbody · 22/04/2024 10:33

OhGodIAmTired · 22/04/2024 10:08

Also, is it not unfair to the kids to move them away from the dad? I’d need to move 2hrs away to be close to family but there i would have support and be able to afford a proper home for the kids. Where we live now I’ll be renting a tiny flat forever.

It is way more unfair that he has decided to treat his children and the mother of his children so poorly.

Prepare to move to be close to family, and be prepared to be a single parent.

You will get through this.

isthesolution · 22/04/2024 10:50

I'd stay put and tell him if he wants to move out then do.
Let him worry about logistics and selling the house etc.
You have enough to focus on with your children. I'd definitely not be moving house or do anything other than looking after them in the short term.

MattDamon · 22/04/2024 12:04

Obviously don't know your financials, but if you're eligible, Universal Credit will cover the rent and service charges on shared ownership property. You'd only have to pay the mortgage. Might make sense for you to stay.

Original poster
OhGodIAmTired · 03/04/2025 06:48

I just thought I’d update this in case anyone ever stumbles across it.

He was having a full on affair that started before I gave birth and became physical when the baby was a few weeks old. It was going on the whole time.

OP posts:
Zazu44 · 03/04/2025 06:52

I’m so sorry, how are you? Sending hugs x

Wannabeblueysmum · 03/04/2025 06:53

Don't think there is anything I can say that can help you feel better, wiser ppl will, I'm sure, comment soon. I just wanted to say I am so sorry you are going through this and wishing you your best life with you and your kids in the future

TheBoomingVoiceofExperience · 03/04/2025 07:06

I’m so sorry OP. You don’t deserve it and it was nothing ‘you did’. Does it allow you to feel a little more free to move back to your family? You need them more than ever and have to prioritise your small children.

Jayinthetub · 03/04/2025 07:33

Really feel for you OP and like others have said, he’s shown you who he is, remember that and know that you will have a better life now than you would’ve had with him as your “D”H. You’ve got a tough stretch ahead of you now but there will be a better time coming. Call on all the support you have now to get you through and picture yourself emerging from his shitshow glorious and happy. Chumplady is your go to resource and we are all here for virtual support too!