New baby, 4yo, husband wants to leave

[OhGodIAmTired]

A few weeks after giving birth to our second child my husband said he wasn’t happy and it was over. He said a lot of awful things I won’t go into. I asked why we couldn’t work on it. His story has changed constantly - from “we don’t even argue anymore, the spark has gone” to “we’re toxic and fight constantly”

in my postpartum state I don’t really know what’s happened

now he’s said it’s over and I accepted it. Am devastated but also know he’s been treating me badly for a long long time.

Then he says; let’s talk about what “trying” looks like.

i feel all over the place. He’s put me through hell for six months.

we have no family around. And only a small amount of equity. Divorce means renting a 1-2bed flat and my eldest is so so attached to his dad. I’m so worried how he’ll be.

we also wanted to move Areas but husband avoided all these big conversations so now I just feel even more lost…

i just don’t know how to raise two kids alone when one is so little still.

They really are so predictable
I see your original post was a year ago so have you separated now ?

Gosh I’m so sorry to hear this. How are you coping?

Thank you everyone!

when someone first said “he’s cheating” and that it was the script, I rolled my eyes. Not him. He’d NEVER do that. He was so moral and judgemental of others who messed up in their marriage.

i also didn’t think there were women out there who would go near a man with two young kids just gave birth. It was too much of a soap opera but here we are, the naivety has been blasted out of me!

he really gaslit me. Even when I accused him multiple times over the 8 months. He was “working late” and going to pubs/clubs for the first time in a decade. So so many signs.

I suspected as time went on but he told me I was paranoid and I started to believe him.

the baby is 18m now and I’ve been living as a single parent for 10 months and I’m honestly fine. Life is peaceful. My home feels safer and happier and whilst the kids aren’t quite over it, I can see they are doing better.

i feel relieved that man is not my problem anymore and I know that chaos and pain will follow him round into this next relationship (they are now together).

I think I will move to be with family in the next year or so, I don’t think he’s given me any other choice.

I also don’t want my kids growing up near that type of man. Yes they can spend school holidays together and he can speak to them but the more distance, the better.

Completely disagree about the more distance the better. That’s not in your children’s best interests at all and a court won’t agree with you

of course it’s in your interests but it’s not your children’s

With respect, you know nothing about our situation. This man is awful. Cruel. Selfish. Mean to his kids. They can still see him but they don’t need him every day.

But he could challenge your move in court, that’s the point here.

if he’s being awful to the kids inform social services so it’s on record. That night help you.

you will also need to live in the new area to be able to apply to schools for your 4 year old.

Don't let technical difficulties get in the way of ensuring you have the support of your family. A supported mother is a better mother. This man could dump his current partner and move to the Outer Hebrides and never see his children again if he felt like it and there would be no way to challenge that.

I'm so sorry you were betrayed by your horrible husband and glad to hear you're recovering.

Get a solicitor's advice about moving.

I should also add that he’s left me in an awful financial situation. Why should I stay in a small flat I can’t afford just to be close to him? His kids deserve better.

He can't stop the move unless he wants to be primary carer. You can just say "I'm moving anyway" and unless he's prepared to have the kids full-time, there's absolutely nothing he can do.

He actually spoke to a solicitor who told him he had no leg to stand on. He’s left me with no support and it’s not a financially viable situation. A move to a cheaper part of the country with a big supportive family network and better schools is hard to argue against. There’s also nothing stopping him from moving to the new area with us! (Lol except his gf 🙄)

Well he could apply for a prohibited steps order and may get it, even though possibly low chance.

im not saying I don’t sympathise or that you’ve every right to feel hurt and betrayed. You do.

but generally, especially as they grow, children benefit from being closer to both parents, even ones that aren’t brilliant.

of course I don’t know him, and you have to make decisions, but doing so in the midst of hurt and pain is sometimes not the best time. And an affair in itself doesn’t warrant losing your kids over however painful it is for you. Of course, I don’t know everything else or what his subsequent behaviour is no, and that could change my view.

are you working through divorce and settlement now ? Are you ok to send your kids to him for possibly week(s) at a time ? What about when they do clubs and sports and then have to miss out on those ?

If I had to choose between living close to a man who has treated us badly and then deserted us or move to an area where we could live in a better property close to a loving family who can help support us, I know which I would choose. I am sure you will have a bright future.

There's a funny view that some people have that kids having a close relationship with both parents trumps everything else. Of course it's generally a good thing in isolation but not if you can't provide the basics where you are, like a secure, comfortable home.

That is excellent.

You should consult a solr yourself, but honestly two hours away isn't at all far. If he wished to see the children he could.

Though @OhGodIAmTiredthe fact that he spoke to a solicitor shows you he has considered the possibility of making you stay.

See a solicitor yourself.