How to respond to DC being emotionally blackmailed into access visits?

[mynamechangemyrules]

I have posted often before and this board has (quite literally) been a lifesaver.

A brief history is; emotional/ psychological and financially abusive husband, high conflict divorce, he's not actually keen on having the kids 50/50 so has some of the 3 (never all) at various times over a 2 week cycle. However, interferes in and controls all our lives. Pays 50% of what he is court ordered to pay- and erratically.

After a thread I have got support from a DV support service and for my mental health. I'm still struggling daily with feeling stressed and low, but so much is situational on co-parenting with an abusive bully.

I need advice regarding how I manage my children's relationship with their father going forward.

They all hate going. When we find out on a Sunday who is staying the following Tuesday the one/s who are going start complaining. The ones not going show off about it. I try to stay neutral and say it'll be ok when you are there, but they say how awful it is. I remind them that I also 'make them do stuff' they don't want- eg homework but they say it's different with him. (I know it is, he's a conditional/ transactional bully).

At half terms or holidays when he is supposed to have all 3 the build up begins early- this holiday our half at home and on day trips was ruined with a week of 'but I don't want to go to Daddy'. Ok well we are on a day trip totally separate to that and it's a week away so don't worry... but it goes on and on. They ask me to tell him they don't want to go. He reacts extremely badly to any representation of the children's feelings and I hate sending messages about it as he comes back with how it is 'literally your job to ensure they are facilitated to come to me'. I do represent them though, I simply state, 'DC has asked for me to share with you that they don't want to come for the half term because XYZ'.

Last 3 visits include; DC2 being pushed to the floor (DC3 witness and upset)
DC1 called a Fucking weirdo by ExH in front of the others
ExH calling me a fucking lazy bitch/ fucking silly bitch which DCs2&3 relayed and were upset about.
DCs told they won't get (holiday trip) because of DC1 'bad behaviour'
ExH telling DCs and me that he's reporting me to SS for unsuitable living conditions (I'm renovating and skint- bad combo! But we have a lovely finished bathroom and all kids rooms finished- just a 60s kitchen)

I pack everything for every stay (including bedding- he keeps nothing of theirs and continues to refuse to, in his home) and get them to handover point but there is always one who won't go. I encourage and support to go but he also cannot get them to come with him.

This time it was DC1 (who's had a rough few short visits with him recently) who refused to go. He's 13 and taller than me so I can't pick him up and pop him in his dad's car as ExH would expect previously.

He had to come with me to my holiday for the one night I couldn't cancel. I then cancelled the rest and came home with him.

His father has sent a group message to us both stating the costs of camps etc which now will be lost (they won't, that man wouldn't let anyone not refund him 😂). He then revealed that he had planned to take DC1 to the US in the summer for a special teenage holiday but now that was off. He had told me about this and asked me not to tell DC1 as it was to be a surprise.
DC1 sent 'why' but I ignored the messages. ExH then sent later that day to the group that he thinks DC1 should also not be allowed on the (much prized and sports team related) school trip next Easter due to this.

I was with friends at the first night of my holiday and they saw the messages and my 13 year old upset and taking himself off to bed. They said it is clear emotional abuse/ blackmail and he should not be subjected to this.

I know it is and I am aware I sound pathetic, but how do I manage this?

DC1 is now saying maybe he will go to his father tonight or tomorrow in order to get in the good books again.

I want to say, you don't have to (I have) but I can't offer holidays etc. I have £22 to last until the end of the month as his father has withheld any money this month (often happens on a holiday month- dec he paid on the 28th instead of first which made Xmas tough).

Sorry for the bloody essay.

How do I manage this? What do I message back to ExH? Can a 13 year old just say no to further visits?

After the last post on here, I got a MIAM document to take him to court to sort out money and access times and arrangements being consistent. He suddenly went all amenable and asked to meet. He dragged out these meetings, never answered my 3 points which never changed, but kept bringing up random shit like whether DC2 needs more hobbies.
Anyway, he suddenly went batshit at DC1 and I (the fucking lazy bitch day!) and my friend suggested maybe the paperwork timed out. Nothing on the MIAM doc said it did but I emailed the mediator who confirmed it ran out at 4 months which was exactly the week when 'nicey nicey' ended and usual bastard returned... He's clever and controlling.

Anyway I'm now saving to pay for the MIAM again, and this time will not be distracted by him to avoid court.

Sorry just thought that is all relevant.

I'd inform school and social services of him pushing one dc to the floor and the name calling, they will take it from there

Very similar circumstances that I've experienced. Social services stopped all contact for 3 months and then wrote a safety plan which went with the children's wishes

pack everything for every stay (including bedding

Stop doing this

Encourage dc to speak to school counsellor and safeguard lead
"I have to stay with dad but there is no bedding"

Stop packing bedding and add it to the list if he makes them sleep without it.

I'd only make a half-hearted effort to get them to go. If the kids refuse, I'd support their wishes.

"It's literally your job to ensure they are facilitated to come to me"

It's literally your job to be a father the kids want to come to.

I agree with all the above. Also, your Dc should not be partaking in WhatsApp chats with you and their father, particularly as what he writes is abusive. Remove them from the group. In fact, stop using WhatsApp full stop and use a coparenting app designed specifically for this sort of situation.
https://www.thebump.com/a/co-parenting-apps

Go to cms for money.... Not in his control then.

You cant make a 13yr old he anywhere ... Tell him he can take you to court....

What sort of access agreement says he can pick and choose days and child never heard of one... ?? Completely ridiculous
Again formally request a plan for dc 2/3 depending on their ages...tgat provides a regular schedule

I find the holiday thing confusing why did you need to cancel?

What is the agreement for holidays
.. generally each party has an amount of school holidays to cover .

Remember there is no nicey nicely with him... Do not get caught again... .. stop dancing to his tune

I would reduce communication to either a specific phone or email or theres an app

Why does he get to cancel a school trip? Is it because you can't afford it? Why not encourage your DS to save the money by working/selling stuff - there's plenty of time. But I definitely wouldn't be forcing children to contact in these circs.

Can I just ask why you’ve been encouraging them to go? And picking them up and putting them in the car to go when they’re distressed and refusing? I’m a bit baffled.

I try to stay neutral and say it'll be ok when you are there, but they say how awful it is. I remind them that I also 'make them do stuff' they don't want- eg homework but they say it's different with him. (I know it is, he's a conditional/ transactional bully).

You need to stop minimising how they feel. Telling them ‘it’ll be ok when you are there’ is teaching them that if they keep trying then he will change when he won’t. Perhaps this was something you told yourself when he was abusive to you? It’s pushing them to accept abuse and neglect, you’re one of their most trusted adults and you’re telling them it’s ok.

What does the court order say about dc visits to him? Does it say he can pick and choose and decide week by week?

And report the pushing assault to school safeguard lead or police and don't send that child

Thanks for lots of good tips and just reading others comments helps me back myself, if you know what I mean. 24 years of this undermines your common sense, as shit as it is to state that. That's what the DV team are being very helpful with - validating it is abuse even though it's not a punch in the face every time.

We separated 6 years ago so they were little and I'd just pop them in the car seats at that age/ they'd go without fuss, only reason I mentioned it is to highlight that he's a big teen now.

Have reported pushing etc/ everything as we go along to safeguarding lead and to our local children's support service.

I would suggest that staying within the letter of the law but otherwise protecting your DC as much as possible.

Do you rely on money from him? Can you get money from elsewhere?

If you are reliant on money from him then it will be harder.

So, possible things you can do:

Report each incident of pushing/shoving that he does to the safeguarding lead at their schools and also the police.

You don't have to co-operate in sending the children you just have to make them available.
So if he picks them up on a Tuesday night for example, stop telling them they have to go. Tell him they are in your house and available.

There will probably be an incident which I would suggest recording. You could also tell him in advance that if he uses violence or verbally assaults that children you will be calling the police.

Basically your aim is to make it as difficult as possible for him to actually have the children so that he pretty much decides it isn't worth it.

How old are the other two?

I'd be inclined to say 'ok then' when they say they dont want to go and just not do it

They dont want it, so they dont go.

As others have said, there are things you might want to raise with police/SSD, your child has alleged an assault for example. The child might not want to talk to anyone about it but it has been said now.

CMS for maintenance.

@cestlavielife the court order is from our previous country of residence. It is hard to apply here (hence me wanting to go to court here and being sidelined a-fucking-gain by him because I am stupid). He persuaded the court in that country that he could not have all 3 at once as it would not provide a 'quality parenting experience' for him... Not sure what that implies I have then? Don't think a lot of it would stand up over here. But it has the one evening a week/ every other weekend format and we do that- but he alternates a group of 2 and the single teen child. Because it's easier for him basically.

I Am extremely nervous about cost/ time/ stress implications of the journey to court. I have no reserves of any of that. It is why I allowed myself to be put off course by him.

I do see these things objectively, but in the moment of living it, parenting, earning money and surviving I just lose my way a bit.

Hence my posts here I suppose.

Also, stop talking to your ExH so much.

He knows the kids do not want to go. He does not care. Stop putting it in writing.

The more you communicate with him the more he messes with your head.

Block him or mute him and check it infrequently.

Focus on how you can make his life difficult without impacting your kids so that they don't have to go.

@Octavia64 Yes, thanks, that's what I've tried and in fact one such day - he's there and ready but I am not supporting you to persuade him out the door- was when DC was called a fucking weirdo and be a lazy bitch and then the subsequent emails stated he was reporting me to SS for unsafe living conditions (it's really not).

I just need to stick to it. Thank you.

Sorry @Octavia64 that was a reply to your first post

@soupfiend the others are 11 and 7. 7 year old has never lived with him and is the golden child at the moment. Can do no wrong- is good at the things he values etc. so they are the least hard to get to go. But they want to be with their siblings and get upset if they have to go alone as happens when the older ones refuse to go.

Dont send them, let him initiate proceedings if he will.

Go via CMS for maintanence, not ideal but better than some 'arrangement' with you both

Dont get into diaglogue about arguing about whats happening, simple 'they're not coming today they dont want to', repeat as a broken record. dont expand or justify or explain

Sorry I can't see how to edit on phone- 7 year old can't remember living with him. I left with them when they were 1.

Well with the little one, you say 'ok then' to the olders if they refuse and then if little one says 'I want them to come' you say that they're not coming today, do you want to come on your own, nice to see dad, you enjoy it when you're there and if they refuse to come with out the others, they dont go. If they want to go, then fine, you scoot off with the little one to drop off

Not with belongings though as others ahve said, dad needs to supply those things for his 'quality parenting experiences'

Yes - it's a war and it's really tough on you emotionally.

Sending thoughts your direction.

Block him on all but one method of communication and then the threats and nastiness doesn't even make it through to you as you don't see it.

It really does make a difference.

Keep doing that - say you are making them available but you will not make them go.

If it does go to court the wishes of the 13 year old will certainly be listened to and the 11 year old will have theirs taken into consideration,

I suspect you can just wear him down by doing that routine each pick up time.