I have posted often before and this board has (quite literally) been a lifesaver.
A brief history is; emotional/ psychological and financially abusive husband, high conflict divorce, he's not actually keen on having the kids 50/50 so has some of the 3 (never all) at various times over a 2 week cycle. However, interferes in and controls all our lives. Pays 50% of what he is court ordered to pay- and erratically.
After a thread I have got support from a DV support service and for my mental health. I'm still struggling daily with feeling stressed and low, but so much is situational on co-parenting with an abusive bully.
I need advice regarding how I manage my children's relationship with their father going forward.
They all hate going. When we find out on a Sunday who is staying the following Tuesday the one/s who are going start complaining. The ones not going show off about it. I try to stay neutral and say it'll be ok when you are there, but they say how awful it is. I remind them that I also 'make them do stuff' they don't want- eg homework but they say it's different with him. (I know it is, he's a conditional/ transactional bully).
At half terms or holidays when he is supposed to have all 3 the build up begins early- this holiday our half at home and on day trips was ruined with a week of 'but I don't want to go to Daddy'. Ok well we are on a day trip totally separate to that and it's a week away so don't worry... but it goes on and on. They ask me to tell him they don't want to go. He reacts extremely badly to any representation of the children's feelings and I hate sending messages about it as he comes back with how it is 'literally your job to ensure they are facilitated to come to me'. I do represent them though, I simply state, 'DC has asked for me to share with you that they don't want to come for the half term because XYZ'.
Last 3 visits include; DC2 being pushed to the floor (DC3 witness and upset)
DC1 called a Fucking weirdo by ExH in front of the others
ExH calling me a fucking lazy bitch/ fucking silly bitch which DCs2&3 relayed and were upset about.
DCs told they won't get (holiday trip) because of DC1 'bad behaviour'
ExH telling DCs and me that he's reporting me to SS for unsuitable living conditions (I'm renovating and skint- bad combo! But we have a lovely finished bathroom and all kids rooms finished- just a 60s kitchen)
I pack everything for every stay (including bedding- he keeps nothing of theirs and continues to refuse to, in his home) and get them to handover point but there is always one who won't go. I encourage and support to go but he also cannot get them to come with him.
This time it was DC1 (who's had a rough few short visits with him recently) who refused to go. He's 13 and taller than me so I can't pick him up and pop him in his dad's car as ExH would expect previously.
He had to come with me to my holiday for the one night I couldn't cancel. I then cancelled the rest and came home with him.
His father has sent a group message to us both stating the costs of camps etc which now will be lost (they won't, that man wouldn't let anyone not refund him 😂). He then revealed that he had planned to take DC1 to the US in the summer for a special teenage holiday but now that was off. He had told me about this and asked me not to tell DC1 as it was to be a surprise.
DC1 sent 'why' but I ignored the messages. ExH then sent later that day to the group that he thinks DC1 should also not be allowed on the (much prized and sports team related) school trip next Easter due to this.
I was with friends at the first night of my holiday and they saw the messages and my 13 year old upset and taking himself off to bed. They said it is clear emotional abuse/ blackmail and he should not be subjected to this.
I know it is and I am aware I sound pathetic, but how do I manage this?
DC1 is now saying maybe he will go to his father tonight or tomorrow in order to get in the good books again.
I want to say, you don't have to (I have) but I can't offer holidays etc. I have £22 to last until the end of the month as his father has withheld any money this month (often happens on a holiday month- dec he paid on the 28th instead of first which made Xmas tough).
Sorry for the bloody essay.
How do I manage this? What do I message back to ExH? Can a 13 year old just say no to further visits?