Advice please, difficult marriage and two young children.

[Mummytotheboverboys]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever posted on here and I am in need of some advice please.

Me and my husband have been married for around 7 years now; but its fair to say things have been fairly turbulent over that time. We have a 4 year old and a 5 year old.

My husband has anger issues and isn't able to regulate his emotions when he is angry. He has in the past thrown things at me ( a pencil case, my laptop, a cushion and my mobile phone). He has also grabbed me and dragged me into another room. The children have not witnessed any of these incidents thankfully.

When major incidents such as the above occur, I try to raise them with my husband he takes little or no accountability. Rather he blames his actions on me and says that he acts like that because I say hurtful things. Such as me questioning some of the things he does as a father. Over time these incidents have built up and caused a lot of resentment.

When he isn't angry things are generally ok; he is an ok father and does his best to provide and be there for me and the kids.

Things have deteriorated recently; and I am now at the point where I am considering separation. I would have separated already if it had not been for the children. I am worried about the affect that a divorce/ separation will have on their mental health.

My family are telling me that I should not label him as an abuser, and try everything I can for the children. But deep down I know this relationship is so toxic and detrimental to my mental health.

Does anyone have any advice in regards to divorce with two small children? I am not concerned financially as I am able to support myself and the children independently. But I do really worry about the affect a separation will have on my boys. Especially as I think my husband would make the whole situation extremely difficult.

I would welcome and advice or support. Thanks so much for reading x

My dc are much older and I worried about the effect on them. I could never have imagined they would take it as well as they did.

when the kids are older and they find out what daddy did to mummy they will feel shit that you stayed apparently for them. They wouldn't want you hurt and abused so they could sleep in daddy's house every night.

LEAVE. It is for the best. For you and for them. He will only escalate his abuse as he has got away with it all so far.

The children will be fine. They need a mum who will put them first and be happy and secure.

Imagine how he’d treat them as teenagers. He’ll be so damaging for them.
Ignore family advice - they either don’t understand what’s happening or don’t want to face it.

Thanks both for your replies, I literally imagine my life without him all the time. But when I mention it to my family its as if these incidents are not bad enough to leave him over.

you sit down with him and say that you will call the police next time he assaults you.

Always amazes me that people tell the victims to 'try harder' and not blame him. Whereas it's the abuser who should be 'trying harder'

You're staying for the wrong reasons, your children will benefit far more from living in a home where their mother isn't abused by their father.

Your family are not living with him. Why do you feel you need their permission to leave and make a better life for yourself?

I had the same, toxic dynamics in my family meant they didn’t want to acknowledge that my husband’s behaviour was abusive. If they did, they’d have to admit their own situations and the way they’d treated me were shit.

My kids have never been better since I got divorced, I regret staying ‘for the children’ as long as I did. They changed almost overnight after he left, the tension in the house, despite my best efforts, had been affecting them more than I realized and it made me sick to think I hadn’t actually protected them from the walking on eggshells atmosphere.

You say you’d be ok financially. Leave as soon as you can, get maintenance from him and live the life you deserve. Once you start reading up about how massively unhealthy living like this is, mentally and physically, you might have more push to take that step. We’ve spent a couple of years recovering from “not that bad” and me and my kids are living our best lives now.

I would encourage you to leave, but on the understanding that care may go 50/50 should there be disagreement here and then subsequently court.
My boys were just 3 and 6 when this happened after I left an abusive marriage. It was bloody hard and still is a decade on. Financially it's been extremely challenging too.
I have a new husband now and we share a 3 yo daughter together. I'm very happily married but still my heart breaks for all of the time I've lost with my sons as a result of leaving.
It's not an easy decision.

@EverybodyLTB I'm pleased everything has worked out so well for you, but sadly not all of our stories are like yours. See above post.

I literally could have written this myself 12 years ago. DS were 4 and 7 when I left, now they are 17 and 19. It was hard for them, but they say it would have been even worse if I'd stayed. Trying to coparent with my ex has been the hardest thing I've done in my life as he resented me for leaving and 'ruining his life'. But I could not have stayed and do not regret my decision and am now married to a wonderful DH. You can't predict the consequences, but follow your instinct.

Thank you so much everyone for your replies and points of view. I know what I should do but I just don't feel brave enough to go for it knowing how difficult my husband will make it and thinking that the kids will be the ones who will suffer.

Would you give into bullies at work? Then don't give into one at home. You can't stay because he will make things hard. It's harder for your kids as they can't do anything.

@Mummytotheboverboys Being totally honest here...not sure in retrospect what would have been best for my sons; my staying in an abusive marriage or just seeing me every other week.
I would hope I did the right thing by them by leaving, but I don't suppose I will know that until they are fully-grown men.

thank you @LorlieS sorry to hear things have not been easy for you.

Sorry to disrespect your family but they are wrong. You are being abused.
Please seek support.

Please, please save yourself and do not let your little children grow up in this toxic environment.

This must seem overwhelming, but knowledge is power. Here are a few resources that you may find useful:

Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft (free pdf online)
Women's Aid
The Freedom Programme
Wikivorce
Divorce for Dummies
Family solicitor websites

Start collecting all financial documents - bank statements, savings, investments, p60s, pensions, mortgage, house deeds - everything.

Then see an experienced family solicitor.

Hello group backstory our nephew and partner have separated they have 1 child now 8 years old, at first it was kind of amicable, until he met someone else, we have not taken sides, two sides to every story,
Anyway his ex, and now solicitor have stated he must go through a third party, this has come about due to proven false allegations, which official mediator is aware of, which nothing can be done about, he was a bit nieve in not having a solicitor, she has for the past year prevented nephews mum and dad (grandparents) and great grand parents from having anything to do with the child
We have lived away for a few years but visted when in locality,
Today we went to deliver Easter eggs from our side of the family ended up delivering to nephews ex mum and dad's, we have since received a text stating that non of our nephews family are to ever go to her house and to go through the third party, which we will adhere to, she would not tell us who the third party is, found out it is her mum and dad for now,
nephew also told us that she said if they seperated she stated that non of his family would have anything to do with there daughter.
As a child I went through similar experience, and when I found out my mum had prevented me from seeing family members, especially my father I resented her for the rest of her life.
We not no how to proceed going forward, apart from keep trying ,writing letters etc, nephews ex holds all the cards

IME things will only deteriorate from here OP. Especially when your boys get a bit older and start to have their own opinions on things that clash with their dads. Think about how they are learning to treat you - and other women too. Leave, the sooner the better.

@Bygone99 - you need to start your own thread.

I was with an abusive man from 17-27. He never hit me do I never saw it as abuse. He did use to shove me, pin me against a wall, squeeze my arms hard, a couple of times he grabbed my throat. Would call me horrible names, lock me out the house, control who I saw and what I did.

I didn't want to split up as I believed marriage should be for life. I worried about our kids and the impact on them of separated parents. I was embarrassed to tell people my marriage has failed.

But eventually it got too much, the kids were 4 and 6 and I could see they were becoming away of it. I asked for a temporary separation from him. He go live with his parents for a few weeks. Luckily he liked the idea of a few weeks being waited on hand and foot and figured I'd be 'more grateful' when he came back.

I discovered how amazing it felt to not feel tense in my own house. To not worry about what to say , whether it would trigger him. . It was so peaceful and the kids seems happier too.

That was 18 years ago and now I can barely remember being married to him. It was tough at first agreeing custody/maintenance. But over time it got better. Once the kids were in their teens I never had to speak to him.

Best of all I met someone and was able to role model a healthy relationship to my kids. This man financially provided for them and supported them where their dad has failed.

I never slated their dad but overtime they saw what he is for themselves. They are adults now and see him maybe every few months.

I'm in this exact situation. 2 boys of similar ages. Angry outbursts and horrible tension. I'm also financially independent. The only thing stopping me is the kids. By which I mean them having to spend 50% of their lives not with me and that I know he will use the co parenting situation to punish me. I daydream about him disappearing. I never want another adult man in my home ever again. I do agree with all the people saying kids pick up on all the tension and my 2 year old is certainly affected.

But splitting from someone like our husbands could also cause such distress to DC. It feels impossible

I would say ignore your family. You have to live with him. Also focus on yourself. Save money. See friends. Get therapy. Talk to solicitors. Research divorce. You can plan for an independent happy life sway from him without leaving yet. Try to emotionally detach and know his abuse is 100% down to him and his issues. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I don't know about you but thinking about leaving and its implications is all I think aboyt all day every day. Its exhausting.

@Autienotnaughtie How did you cope financially at first? Did your ex voluntarily leave the marital home and allow you to live in it? What were the care of children arrangements?
When you say your new partner "provided financially" for your children...I take it you were working too in order to do the same?

Hi thanks for your reply. He left voluntarily because I said a temporary break (not deliberately misleading him that was the plan) but then after he left I realised how much better life was without him.

I bought him out of the house (18 years ago so a bit easier) but my parents had to guarantee it on my behalf as I couldn't get a mortgage alone.

Yes I worked full time and solely provided for dc for about 4 years. When dh cam there was a few years of a transition into us being a family but the end result was a shared finances so we raised the kids together. Dh is middle class meeting him opened my and my dcs eyes to a bigger world beyond the town we live in. We started going abroad on holidays, eating out in nice restaurants, theatre, museums. They got to see more of the world and it changed their outlook. Dh taught them the value of education and of career goals. I'm not diminishing my role just we had a different experience because we met dh. He's a wonderful stepdad and they are very close.

@LorlieS

Sorry missed a couple of your questions.

I worked full time but was a low earner so we survived on tax credits.

Exh contributed initially and had them 3 nights a week. When he met his second wig and had two more children he stopped paying maintenance)I know I could have fought for it but dh is a good earner it would have been mean to take it for the sake of it) he also dropped to eow. When he met his third wife he moved away, initially he saw them once a month. Since they became adults they see him every few months and it tends to be them driving to him. He offers no support in their life financially or otherwise it all comes from me and dh.

@Autienotnaughtie It is a struggle for sure and I'm so pleased things worked out for you, because nobody deserves to be in an unhappy/abusive marriage ❤️
But what I'm advising the OP is that she needs to be prepared to "lose" her kids for half of the time (and perhaps more in the long-term). That's what happened to me though the courts as fathers are seen as having equal rights (even coercively controlling ex-husbands). It's very difficult not seeing your children for days on end and of course sitting there watching your mother-child bond being affected. It's not something I would wish on my worst enemy.