Advice please, difficult marriage and two young children.

[Mummytotheboverboys]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever posted on here and I am in need of some advice please.

Me and my husband have been married for around 7 years now; but its fair to say things have been fairly turbulent over that time. We have a 4 year old and a 5 year old.

My husband has anger issues and isn't able to regulate his emotions when he is angry. He has in the past thrown things at me ( a pencil case, my laptop, a cushion and my mobile phone). He has also grabbed me and dragged me into another room. The children have not witnessed any of these incidents thankfully.

When major incidents such as the above occur, I try to raise them with my husband he takes little or no accountability. Rather he blames his actions on me and says that he acts like that because I say hurtful things. Such as me questioning some of the things he does as a father. Over time these incidents have built up and caused a lot of resentment.

When he isn't angry things are generally ok; he is an ok father and does his best to provide and be there for me and the kids.

Things have deteriorated recently; and I am now at the point where I am considering separation. I would have separated already if it had not been for the children. I am worried about the affect that a divorce/ separation will have on their mental health.

My family are telling me that I should not label him as an abuser, and try everything I can for the children. But deep down I know this relationship is so toxic and detrimental to my mental health.

Does anyone have any advice in regards to divorce with two small children? I am not concerned financially as I am able to support myself and the children independently. But I do really worry about the affect a separation will have on my boys. Especially as I think my husband would make the whole situation extremely difficult.

I would welcome and advice or support. Thanks so much for reading x

@LorlieS I'm so sorry for what you experienced. It sounds heartbreaking. If you'd stayed though - things would have been very very difficult also.

Was the bond affected because of the amount of time your children were spending without you - or was their dad doing/saying anything to negatively affect your relationship with your kids? do you still have 5050 arrangement now they are teenagers?

@LorlieS sorry I hadn't read the whole thread. Yes it comes down to how interested they are in their children long term. I was lucky my ex wasn't that bothered but actually that part was hard on dc particularly when he moved away.

Thank you for your responses. I honestly feel so lost right now. Its such a big decision.

Things will become clearer and easier once you make a decision.

Your family are wrong, get in touch with women’s aid, children pick up on far more than you think and it affects them. It can have lifelong effects.

You get all your paperwork, see a decent solicitor and then make plans regarding housing. Domestic abuse usually escalates. You don’t ever use the I’m leaving you speech, you have everything in place before. I have volunteered for a DV charity in the past. Good luck, families minimising stuff happens far too often.

@KungBooPanda Thank you. It was 50/50 for about seven years, but then he took me back to court yet again after successfully poisoning their minds and it went every other Weds-Sun with my middle son and just EOW with my eldest. The financial disparity (made far worse by 50/50) didn't help my case.
I can't regret leaving a controlling relationship, and I am so incredibly happy in my second marriage, but it still doesn't bring my boys back.

Nothing as bad as what you describe but I also felt I was walking on eggshells during marriage, ex had a temper etc. It was such an unhealthy, stressful environment and I’m sure it only would have gotten worse over time. I think exposing the children to that sort of home life is far more damaging than leaving.

It’s been nearly 2 years now and I would say everyone is happier since the split. I feel I can relax on my own home, the kids took the split really well and are happier because of it. I absolutely do not regret splitting and could never go back.

That said, the last 2 years have been tough. Things were not easy with ex and continue to be very difficult. We are due in court for kids / childcare (representing myself so not costing the earth) to finalise matters. He demanded 50/50 childcare after 18 months. I’ve increased from working part time to full time and struggle financially still. You’re in a great position that you’re already financially independent. Even with far less money and working full time, I am much happier and would never, ever want to go back. It’s worth it.

You deserve to feel relaxed in your own home and to not live in fear of your ex. You deserve for someone to treat you well and be respectful. Your children deserve to live in a safe, non violent household.

Go to the police and log these incidents of him pushing you. If you decide to separate and he won't leave the house you will have a record of his abuse.

Living in a home with DV is profoundly damaging and considered an ‘adverse childhood experience’ - trauma basically. That includes where no harm has come to the child but it is in the household. Leaving would be the best thing you can do for your DC - especially if you report the violence to the police so it is made clear to the authorities that he is a risk.

Be particularly careful with boys. I used to babysit for a family where the extremely successful surgeon father treated the absolutely lovely mum like shit. The boys were starting to copy him. It was horrific to watch. She did leave but too late imo.

Here for a handhold and to say good luck. A friend in a similar situation (two boys ages 3 and 4) recently left. She has no funds and is in a shelter/hostel. And she says she has not second-guessed her decision once. She said that once her mind was made up, she had to go. It was the "deciding" part that was the hardest. If your partner has no insight or accountability I am afraid the outlook is grim. Try and get out while your boys are still young. Good luck!

I think you can only travel one path at any moment. It’s probable he will make things difficult but he may also get bored and start seeing the kids less and less, he may meet another woman quickly and be less interested. Things may also be very difficult for you if you leave and he may keep it difficult for a long time. But you’ll never know how bad it might have got if you’d stayed. You might have 2 teenagers who join in with their Dad in belittling and abusing you.

I would leave, he is being abusive. I am divorced so it wasn’t the perfect marriage but my ex husband never threw things at me or laid a hand on me in anger. Never. You are being abused no matter what your family say. Maybe speak to some women’s organisations.

I 100% agree that you should contact an organisation that might be able to help you e.g. Women's Aid. They should be able to advise you properly in this situation and help you navigate this situation. If you can log these incidents of your husband's with the police that would be good too.
In case it can help - here are some more organisations that might be helpful to you too - https://iamlip.com/help-guides/registered-charities-that-could-help-you/
Get advice wherever you can from these organisations. Do not listen to your family who are advising you not to label him an abuser. He is one. You are not at fault for his behaviour. He is. There is no excuse for his behaviour.
Wishing you and your children the best x