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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Ex wanting gifts back

63 replies

bluesea7 · 13/03/2024 19:56

Hi there, just looking for some advice please.

Ex and I split 3 months ago. We share a 3 year old together.

He has text this evening with a list of items he wants to collect on Sunday.

Items in the list include our daughter's bike and gifts he gave my eldest daughter. The pram and baby seat in the loft. Baby Annabelle dummy and bottle? The list goes on.

Now as he bought them I can see it from that view but just feel it's really petty?

I'm willing to put everything he's asked for out for him to collect.

OP posts:
Scaffoldingisugly · 13/03/2024 20:18

And tell him you gave the stuff to charity...

caringcarer · 13/03/2024 20:20

Starlightstarbright3 · 13/03/2024 20:11

I would give him the stuff you no longer use - pram/ car seat .

The rest belongs to your DD’s so no to them

This. The rest belongs to your DD. Tell him to take you to court for your DD things. I bet you will be so well rid of this man.

TuliLily · 13/03/2024 20:21

bluesea7 · 13/03/2024 20:00

I'm not sure why he would need a pram and baby car seat when our daughter is 3? He also has no contact with my eldest daughter. She is 11 and he said he might see her as a friend once a month after we split. We were together 4 years.

Show quote history

Oh sorry my mistake I thought they were toys when you was referring to baby Annabelle I assumed they were the toys for it toy pram/ car seat 🫣ignore me then

HeddaGarbled · 13/03/2024 20:24

Do I not reply to his message then? He wants to collect Sunday. Do I just put his personal belongings out

Yes, that’s what I would do.

Illpickthatup · 13/03/2024 20:27

bluesea7 · 13/03/2024 20:16

Do I not reply to his message then? He wants to collect Sunday. Do I just put his personal belongings out or everything just to be done with it?

Show quote history

Put personal belongings outside then go out so he can't harass you. Or drop them off on his doorstep if you'd rather he didn't come round to yours.

IAmThe1AndOnly · 13/03/2024 20:32

Put out what belongs to him and tell him the rest has already gone to the charity shop.

Acornsoup · 13/03/2024 20:46

So he owes you money for your sofa's? Why not sell his stuff?

NoDramas · 13/03/2024 21:48

If he sold the sofas when you still needed or wanted them, then there's your bargaining chip if you actually want to engage on this matter.

Demand the return of your sofas or the full retail replacement value before you consider his request.

And if it's spite that's driving him, two can play at that game. You could spitefully report him to HMRC for his cash in hand shenanigans...

DumpedByText · 13/03/2024 21:57

He just wants an argument, so give it all back and say nothing. He'll hate that you've not bitten!

canyouletthedogoutplease · 13/03/2024 22:01

I think that what you do here sets a precedent. He can demand, and you will comply. Or you can ignore it and carry on with your day. I'd go with the latter.

Station11 · 13/03/2024 22:01

DumpedByText · 13/03/2024 21:57

He just wants an argument, so give it all back and say nothing. He'll hate that you've not bitten!

There is no argument though if you just say no.

is he paying Child support?

Blackcats7 · 13/03/2024 22:06

Give him anything you don’t actually want just to avoid him having something to whinge about.
Then anonymously shop him to HMRC for tax dodging on his £250 a day cash in hand.
What a twat.

2Old2Tango · 13/03/2024 22:08

Leave out his personal possessions and anything you can reach which is general stuff. DO NOT give him the children's bike or toys if they're still playing with them. Once he's gifted them to the children they're no longer his to demand back. What a prick he is.

DeeCeeCherry · 13/03/2024 22:13

I'd reply 'ok' and state the time the items will be outside for collection. Thats all. Say nothing further don't get into a back and forth. Don't give him the argument and access to you that he wants. Don't open the door when he arrives, he's to take the stuff and go he doesn't need to see you.

Wait a good amount of time then as some pp's have said - report him.

Codlingmoths · 13/03/2024 22:13

you say ‘items that are our daughters will stay in her primary home, where she gets most use of them. I expect in the future we will each keep presents we give in our house, unless we are able to come to an amicable agreement. Re the other items items bought as a family are family property so you should be discussing not demanding, I will of course be understanding if it’s an item of sentimental value, not just furniture like my sofas you sold. Re the items in the loft I can’t get them down anyway, so won’t have them for Sunday even if we have discussed. it doesn’t seem urgent, unless you have a girlfriend who is having your baby next week?’
the more you’re a pushover the more he will take. Send that and ignore any messages not to do with your daughter, and don’t let him in the door on Sunday. You might want to keep her bike inside your back door if you don’t have a locked shed. Some men prioritise feeling like they’ve ‘won’ over their child’s welfare.

Codlingmoths · 13/03/2024 22:14

Station11 · 13/03/2024 22:01

There is no argument though if you just say no.

is he paying Child support?

Show quote history

I agree. You can say no and decline to argue.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 13/03/2024 22:20

@bluesea7 whose house is it that you live in? if it is yours, I would never let him over the doorstep again. he collects the child at the gate and no closer.

Original poster
bluesea7 · 13/03/2024 22:22

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 13/03/2024 22:20

@bluesea7 whose house is it that you live in? if it is yours, I would never let him over the doorstep again. he collects the child at the gate and no closer.

The house is is a rental and in my name only. We was going to buy a house a year ago and I pulled out and extended my tenancy for safety. So glad I did! I will be leaving his items behind the locked side gate so he can collect whilst I'm at my mums having a Sunday roast with my girls :)

OP posts:
TwylaSands · 13/03/2024 22:24

No i would not be giving bim back gifts he bought. Not a chance.

Original poster
bluesea7 · 13/03/2024 22:26

Codlingmoths · 13/03/2024 22:13

you say ‘items that are our daughters will stay in her primary home, where she gets most use of them. I expect in the future we will each keep presents we give in our house, unless we are able to come to an amicable agreement. Re the other items items bought as a family are family property so you should be discussing not demanding, I will of course be understanding if it’s an item of sentimental value, not just furniture like my sofas you sold. Re the items in the loft I can’t get them down anyway, so won’t have them for Sunday even if we have discussed. it doesn’t seem urgent, unless you have a girlfriend who is having your baby next week?’
the more you’re a pushover the more he will take. Send that and ignore any messages not to do with your daughter, and don’t let him in the door on Sunday. You might want to keep her bike inside your back door if you don’t have a locked shed. Some men prioritise feeling like they’ve ‘won’ over their child’s welfare.

Thankyou for this! Definitely noticed it's all about some form of control with him. Even Mother's Day just gone it was his weekend with little one and he offered me only 30 minutes with her. I just feel he wants me to react so he can say that I'm unreasonable or crazy. He texts every few days like "can I come collect my post?" Or turns up unannounced. I just want to move on and have least amount of contact as I can. Also I changed pick ups and drops off to daughters nursery only. He would only put me down and say awful things in front of the kids and I didn't want them witnessing it. He would also rub it into my eldest daughter's face all the fun activities he was going to do with the youngest and I thought it was just cruel. I can't comprehend people like that.

OP posts:
vodkaredbullgirl · 13/03/2024 22:27

Just send his post back, put return to sender not at this address anymore

Alicewinn · 13/03/2024 22:31

Sounds like bitterness FFS, yes don't get hooked into this. I wouldn't respond until you're ready

Soubriquet · 13/03/2024 22:34

Let him have the pram and car seat. Things like the bikes and stuff that were gifted to your children, he can sling his hook. They belong to them now

twohotwaterbottles · 13/03/2024 22:47

HeddaGarbled · 13/03/2024 20:15

There is great power in not arguing, not responding in any way at all and just not doing anything you don’t want to do. It’s called passive resistance and it is effective and satisfying.

This this this. I had an ex very similar who bullied and had me quaking in my boots. Go grey rock. Ignore his requests. Envisage his petty demands going up in smoke pooof! 🙌🏻And as a very sensible previous poster said, let's hope the turkey dentist is indeed a turkey

JordanPeterson · 13/03/2024 23:30

Asking for gifts back may well be vindictive & spiteful, or it could be what is in their mind a logical plan to sell those items to make money back & improve their financial situation

When a relationship sours & there becomes a focus on a financial split, some people start to make a mental tally of money spent & feel embittered by what they perceive is "wasted" money

They may perceive relationships as transactional in nature & that there must be some kind of payoff for acts of generosity, like our gratitude or to be seen as being benevolent

When a relationship ends they feel ripped off, as their ex has not upheld their end of this bargain & as such they feel well within their own rights to ask for gifts back.

The gifts in this sense were part of an unspoken contract - if you stop paying your car loan, the car is repossessed & in a similar way every gift down to the minutiae of baby bottles & dummies is now due for return

They still feel a sense of ownership of items they have given away, which puts the nature of such goodwill gestures into doubt

This indicates lack of emotional intelligence to fail to understand what "gift giving " means & how they might be perceived by such a crass request

If we keep our eyes open & watch, people will reveal their true nature & this request is most certainly an opportunity for enlightenment