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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband Affair. Won't Divorce.

50 replies

ExHrefusingtodivorce · 09/03/2024 21:23

My husband had an affair and moved out almost 2 years ago. We have 2 teenage dd's who don't see him. He refuses to speak to me at all. Afaik he is living at his parents (for free) and possibly still involved with the OW.

I would appreciate some advice on our financial situation. The mortgage and deeds are in his name, he has continued to pay the mortgage since he left and still pays into the bills account. As the amount he pays is similar to the CM he would pay I haven't claimed CM. I have sent numerous texts and emails asking him to discuss the finances. I've offered to clear the mortgage if he'd add me to the deeds. I asked him to apply for the divorce, or to apply jointly. He does not respond to anything. He even ignores texts regards our children's health and school issues.

I applied for the divorce last year, as he still won't discuss finances or agree to attend mediation it has not progressed. What I'd like to know is would there be any issue with just leaving things as they are and not progressing the divorce as long as he keeps paying as he is?

OP posts:
Viewfrommyhouse · 09/03/2024 21:25

When you say 'clear the mortgage' do you mean pay it all off, or cover the monthly payment?

Aquamarine1029 · 09/03/2024 21:30

What does your solicitor say? You don't need your husband's permission or agreement to divorce.

RandomMess · 09/03/2024 21:35

Start claiming CMS.

RandomMess · 09/03/2024 21:36

He's probably waiting to divorce until the DC are 18 and you can't argue for a bigger share in order to house the DC with you.

You need to crack on, if he won't sign papers etc the courts can force him.

Original poster
ExHrefusingtodivorce · 09/03/2024 22:17

@Viewfrommyhouse pay it off, it's not that much and I thought he might agree so he could stop having to pay. I'd feel more secure being on the deeds, just in case I died before we divorce.

@Aquamarine1029 she suggested sending him a letter to request he complete the Form E. I've already emailed him it ages ago and know he will also ignore anything a sol sends him. To go through the court process will cost thousands, my sol advised most likely over £10k. I know I can divorce him, but I won't without the Financial Consent Order being done. As he won't communicate at all we can't agree the finances.

@RandomMess the money he pays me monthly is similar or more than I'd get for CM. He maybe thinks that it is him paying CM, no idea as he won't speak to me.

Worst case once the children turn 18 is the house equity being split 50/50. I'd push for more but 50/50 would be ok.

I'm just wondering if it's of any detriment to me to just leave the divorce on hold and not apply for the Conditional until he is willing to agree the finances?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/03/2024 22:21

If he pays CMS he still has an obligation to pay the mortgage unless he wants to risk it being repossessed etc.

PaminaMozart · 09/03/2024 22:28

Send him the form E.

Why does your solicitor think it will cost over 10k?

You can self represent if need be.

NB: have you checked out Wikivorce?

Original poster
ExHrefusingtodivorce · 09/03/2024 22:39

@RandomMess he pays the mortgage and the same amount he always did into our bills account. It equates to roughly what CM would be so I assume it's in lieu of.

@PaminaMozart I've sent him the form E, and the D81. I've emailed and text him with various proposals. I've asked if he'll attend mediation. He doesn't reply to anything. My sol advised that as he's refusing to co operate we would need to involve forensic accountants to work out what his business is worth and if he continues to not co operate it could take years to go through the court process.

I'm almost past caring about getting divorced, but I would like the finances sorted out. I can't work out why he doesn't want it all sorted out so he could have his share of the equity and not have to pay the mortgage. I don't want to spend thousands on solicitors with no guarantee of getting that money back in the settlement.

OP posts:
LadyBird1973 · 10/03/2024 06:57

I'd be tempted to tell your h that you are forging ahead legally, this will include forensic accountants etc unless he comes to what you consider to be a fair settlement with you now.

At some point he's going to want you out of what is legally his house. So not getting this sorted asap, while you have dependent children living in it, is just kicking the can down the road. You want to stop him from trying to sell it from under you when the dc reach 18 and get your share as his wife. Best do that sooner rather than later.
It might be the threat of someone combing through his accounts is sufficient to focus his attention on a timely resolution.

LadyBird1973 · 10/03/2024 06:59

It's possible he has way more money than you know about and he's trying hide it from you.

RandomMess · 10/03/2024 07:25

Seriously put in a claim to CMS, register your interest in the marital home. He will still have to pay the mortgage! It's certainly a way to get some communication from him.

He may have way more in pensions than you realise.

He wants to ignore it for a reason and it will be to your detriment to ignore it.

Original poster
ExHrefusingtodivorce · 10/03/2024 07:30

@LadyBird1973

I have said all that to him, I told him what my sol advised and said it would cost thousands and that I can petition for costs. He doesn't respond. Re the house, it is legally owned 50/50 as we are married. I have placed a Home Rights notice on the deeds so he can't borrow money against it or sell it. If I died though it would be fully his, and vice versa.

He definitely earns more than he told me he did whilst together. He is also shit with money so I'm pretty certain he has no savings. Tbh I don't care, I just want to be able to buy him out of our house so my children and I can feel secure and settled.

I'm minded to just leave things as they are whilst he continues to pay, I have over 6 years until our youngest is 18. Even then i think worst case scenario is I'd have to buy him out at 50:50 rather than say 60:40 in my favour. I just worry I'm missing something. I suppose I can see a solicitor for advice, but pretty certain they'll advise to push ahead with the divorce, which will cost thousands.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExHrefusingtodivorce · 10/03/2024 07:35

@RandomMess
If I claim CM it will potentially be less than he currently pays monthly anyway (he pays the mortgage on top of this money).

I registered HR the week he left, which he knows I've done and is pissed off about. It has meant he can't remortgage snd is stuck on a high variable rate. I've offered to take over the mortgage if he adds me to the deeds but get no response.

The whole situation is bizarre. I had an EA over to value the house and she said she'd never known a husband leave but be happy to continue to pay and not want their share of the equity. I've even tried speaking to his parents but they won't discuss it with him.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/03/2024 07:51

He could be getting into debt which will then be paid from joint marital assets.

Have you the time to do the leg work yourself and press on with the divorce? Set up mediation and give a deadline for the Form E to be completed?

I would be worried at what he is hiding.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 10/03/2024 07:58

Can you not just issue an application for a financial order?
He will have to completely his form E then.
As others have pointed out, the longer it drags on the more that might be in his favour.

You can do the application yourself if you want to save legal fees. Another vote here for Wikivorce for advice

silentpool · 10/03/2024 08:01

My ex husband refused to engage and my first lawyer was shit. I did mediation on my own as he refused to come - his failure to attend was reported to the court.

I filed a Form A to launch a court process with the court and sent a bailiff around to him to serve the court papers. I self represented in court but my second set of lawyers (advising in the background and checking agreements) was worth the money I paid, as the divorce was quickly concluded thereafter.

I advise you take matters into your own hands now. The relief will be massive. Perhaps you need a different lawyer too?

scoobs321 · 10/03/2024 08:01

Things might have changed since I divorced in 2010 but my ExH wouldn't engage with the financial side of things/ complete Form E so we ended up with a judge deciding the split. Yes it did cost me alot but it was worth every penny to have it finished. My sol. didn't suggest a forensic accountant though, I can imagine that would be big bucks. As PP has said Wikivorce is an excellent site with a very active form, it helped me navigate all the legal stuff that my sol was dealing with on my behalf.

Fraaahnces · 10/03/2024 08:03

Stop “Telling” him and start DOING.

Jonathan70 · 10/03/2024 08:10

The thing about leaving it is that he will be entitled to 50/50 once the children are 18 (as his equity has remained tied up in the house without him benefitting from that), whereas you could forge ahead and will probably be able to get 60 % plus assets now (or more, depending on pensions etc) as the children are housed with you and you can still claim CMS too because it’s completely separate to the other finances. Say he decides he wants his money when you have one child who is still under 18…he can then argue that your living needs are equal because you both need 2 bedrooms, so the child can stay with him too. That’s only four years away.
.You can file form A and do much of the divorce yourself - chances are he’d respond to that. Listen to the archive of the Legal Queen podcasts - she tells you how to go through the process without too much legal help.

Original poster
ExHrefusingtodivorce · 10/03/2024 08:15

If he was employed with a fixed salary it would be much easier. There's also an additional property to take into account. No pensions involved. As he's self employed if he won't willingly disclose his earnings it costs more and I have been told by 3 different solicitors it could take years to go through the court process. He definitely has no debt.

I have told him I won't let the current situation drag on for years and that I'd rather come to an agreement between ourselves and then just pay sols to draft the Financial Consent Order. He won't want to complete a Form E so agreeing between ourselves should appeal to him.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 10/03/2024 08:24

scoobs321 · 10/03/2024 08:01

Things might have changed since I divorced in 2010 but my ExH wouldn't engage with the financial side of things/ complete Form E so we ended up with a judge deciding the split. Yes it did cost me alot but it was worth every penny to have it finished. My sol. didn't suggest a forensic accountant though, I can imagine that would be big bucks. As PP has said Wikivorce is an excellent site with a very active form, it helped me navigate all the legal stuff that my sol was dealing with on my behalf.

I asked my exh to just split house and our business, for which I had 50 percent shares 50/50 and he pay CMS for 2 DC still under 18 and living at home and we just kept our own pensions. My solicitor made this offer in writing. He point blank refused. He demanded I kept the house with about £38k left on the mortgage and he kept our business which was worth far more than our house. My solicitor worked out the split he suggested was 80/20 in his favour. I had to have a forensic accountant as he refused to communicate or to fill out forms for court. It turned out he had money in 2 other accounts I had no knowledge of. Anyway long story short Judge awarded me 60 percent of our house and to pension share which meant I ended up with 35 percent of his pension to equal them up. Judge also ordered him to either buy me out of business at 50 percent or business would be sold and half of joint savings including his secret savings. He kicked off in court shouting at Judge. The judge then told him as I had made a perfectly reasonable offer in the first place he would pay my solicitors fees which were high as included forensic accountant and had dragged on a year. 2 years later I married the forensic accountant who had helped me win my case. Exh still doesn't speak to me or him 18 years later.

Original poster
ExHrefusingtodivorce · 10/03/2024 08:25

@Jonathan70

My sol said it would likely be at least 60/40 in my favour but that without a completed form e from both of us she couldn't advise. The children are with me full time and that won't change (their choice).

I suppose if I proceed with the divorce and file the Form A that might get him to start co operating. I really don't think he'll want the business accounts looked into. I have 2 years of emails, texts and solicitors appointments to show that I have tried everything to get him to co operate.

I just don't know if I can face all the stress after myself and the children are finally starting to feel settled and happier.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/03/2024 08:44

Please don't assume he will suddenly agree to it once the youngest is 18.

Just start chipping away at it now.

I really think you will have to force it anyway so I would do it now before your DC are adults.

Original poster
ExHrefusingtodivorce · 10/03/2024 12:39

@RandomMess

The way he's being I think he could drag it out for years. Looks like I'm going to have to suck up the having to pay for it and try and force the divorce on. It's just all so stressful. I've no idea how I could be with him 18 years and not realise how awful he is, he's treated me and our children like utter shit.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/03/2024 12:51

Hugs

Probably the boiled frog analogy.

You've been separated 2 years already just set up mediation and onto court. You've got this, you're a strong women and you do it one little step at a time and yes you include get legal costs awarded from his share.