Worried I can’t afford a divorce

[Namechangerooney1]

Strongly considering telling DH I want a divorce. We have 2 DC, one in primary, one in secondary. I would not want them to have to leave their family home, and ideally would stay living there with them. But I have no idea how I’d afford it.

I’m freelance and work PT and earnings fluctuate between £150-£1000 p/m. DH earns about £100k. Mortgage is £300k.

I know nothing about any of this stuff. Is it just completely out of the question for me to stay in the house when my earnings don’t even cover the mortgage? Would I be entitled to any benefits? If we had to sell and split the equity, I wouldn’t be able to afford anything anywhere near our area and the kids’ schools.

I feel so sad for my kids that I’m even having to consider this…

I should say I don’t want to screw DH over either. I want to do it fairly. He’s not a bad person and I don’t think he would turn nasty if we were to split.

I suppose a key thing might be how much he has the kids. If he doesn’t have the kids much and you have them most of the time then the maintenance he would pay you could help with the mortgage.
there could potentially be a case for spousal maintenance too although it’s not that common.
it’s going to depend on lots of different things including his attitude to it.
when I told my H I wanted to separate he took it very badly and wouldn’t go anywhere so in the end I had to move out to rented while the house was put on the market. He did help me pay the rent but it would’ve been better if the kids and I could’ve stayed there.
we are hopefully on the home straight now but has been tricky about money all along as he feels upset this was imposed on him (he should’ve seen it coming but didn’t).
it would definitely be worth having an initial chat with a solicitor
if you did split you’d probably go to mediation and try to reach agreement

Do you have any idea what the custody arrangements would look like and any idea of the monetary support you'd be entitled to from your DH in the event of a split?

For him earning about 100k and you working, spousal maintenance isn't likely I'd imagine from what I've seen.

If you earn £100-£1k per month, would you be able to afford the bills or car payments / food etc on your salary? You might need to look at working full time and not freelancing to make ends meet to make a split financially work for you.

The courts tend to favour a clean break, and although it is possible to get an order that allows you to stay in the family home until the kids are 18 (known as a mesher order) they are rare.

www.holmes-hills.co.uk/news/2023/february/what-is-a-mesher-order/#:~:text=Mesher%20Orders%20(also%20known%20as,postponed%20until%20a%20future%20date.

More normally, either one side buys the other out, or the house is sold and the money in it split.

Oh I see - so any support he pays me would depend on how much he has the kids? I didn’t realise that. So we’d have to state how often he could have them and strictly stick to it? I couldn’t just say he could see them whenever he wanted to?

I think you need to get a full time job if you intend to divorce as £100-£1000 isn’t going to cut it, no matter where you live.

As you have a mortgage you wouldn’t get any help with UC for that, but would get a housing allowance of renting.

if he wanted 50:50 custody please do note that you would bye unlikely to get Maintenece from him

You will be able to afford it, everyone does when push comes to shove, you may just have to adjust your expectations and your lifestyle.

With your earnings I'd think you were entitled to UC, you'll also potentially get maintenance and you could ask for spousal too.

CMS is based on number of nights so yes OP you'd need a schedule.

The starting point for division of marital assets is 50:50 OP, but spousal maintenance is VERY rare nowadays and your ex and you would have to agree for you and the kids to stay in the house and for him to keep paying the mortgage while he lives elsewhere. Depending on where you live and how expensive it is, that might not be practicable, while he has to maintain his own residence where the kids can also stay. Realistically, unless you're in a position to buy him out, unless he's prepared to go along with your plan, you're probably looking at selling the house and splitting the equity.

If you split, it's possible (and people do) that he might say he wants custody of the kids.

In which case you two would either have to agree amongst yourselves how much time they spend with each parent or if you cannot agree it would go to court. The child who is at secondary may be old enough to decide on their own and are certainly old enough to have their wishes taken into account.

If custody is 50:50 then no child maintenance is payable.

You'll need to agree access so the dcs know where they stand and what to expect, and so each of you can develop private lives of your own. New partners?

The starting point is to tot up the assets and split 50:50 although this will vary depending on childcare, assets, needs etc.
Care usually starts at 50:50 and is then adjusted to suit jobs/shifts/travel etc.

To get divorced the court normally want a clean break, meaning you are completely separate financially and can go your separate ways.
That usually means one person takes over the mortgage and the other buys or rents a home nearby. Both should have room for the children if possible.

There is no expectation of maintaining the same standards.

He may well ask for 50:50 but PLEASE don't just take the Mumsnet view that is because he doesn't want to pay maintenance. It might be for some men but it's not always the case, my DH wanted 50:50 because he loved his kids and wanted that time with them which is fair enough and he's entitled to have that just as much as I am.

It's also silly to rely on maintenance as a dependable source of income as it can stop at any time due to redundancy, illness, death...if you do get it, it's better to see that as 'extra' and don't try and rely it on it for your outgoings. That's what I did anyway. It also doesn't go on forever!

Just make sure you have some rules and agreements in place for things that are trickier to deal with like school uniforms, lunches, school trips, mobile phones etc etc so one person doesn't end up footing all the cost.

I think you need to change your mindset. If you know you can’t afford to pay the mortgage yourself and buy him out, then consider how it would work if you sold the house and split the equity and both set up a new home.

That's what I had to do and thousands of others who divorce and it’s not the end of the world. Look at it as a fresh start. You are unlikely to be able to afford two houses of the same standard as you have now so it’s downsizing or moving area.

@Midnlghtrain i have no idea about any of these things!!
@Octavia64 if I have to sell up, I’m screwed

I’m clearly very naive about all this. If we sold the house, we’d get about £100-125k each. He would be able to use that as a deposit and buy another house but I would have to rent. And yes, I know I’d need to change my working arrangements to earn more money.

He is also the sort of dad who would want to see his kids as much as possible but I don’t think he’d want 50/50 custody as it would disrupt the kids too much. So I expect they’d be with me in the week and maybe see him weekends and some evenings.

Family assets also include pension.

Do you have a pension? Does he have a pension? Many people trade pension for equity.

Let me give you some numbers OP...
£100,000 a year means (post 12% pension?) you'd get between £450 and £1000 a month dependant on how many nights a year they stay with him in child maintenance.

£300k mortgage is upwards of £1750 a month assuming you have decent equity.

Realistically even on £100k salary - so take home around £5000 a month, mortgage of £1750 and maintenance of even £500, leave him £2750 to house himself and have space for the kids as well as all his other costs.

If you claim universal credit you'd get around £220 a week BUT you'd be expected to look for work for 30hrs a week or up your freelance income to the minimum floor (so 30hrs at minimum.wage - around £300 a week).

So yes. You'd have to considerably up your income or move and sell the house.

I don’t have a pension. He does. Thanks @LittleOwl153

So I'm going to be a different voice and ask why do you actually want to divorce? All a bit staid and boring? You say he's a great dad and lovely person who you don't want to "screw over" so why divorce then? You have such a huge disparity in income....your entire lifestyle is basically funded by him....why give that up?

A 300k mortgage!

@anotherdayanotherpathlesstravelled mainly because he has a drinking issue. It doesn’t make him violent or abusive. But he does lie about it and has done nothing to attempt to deal with it. Also, He’s not a bad person - but he’s not affectionate and can come across quite standoffish which really, really bugs me. If he’s not in the right mood, he can make people visiting our home feel really unwelcome. He doesn’t even realise he’s doing it despite me mentioning how uncomfortable it made me so many times. That might not sound a lot but 20 years of feeling on edge when we’re with family, not knowing if we’re going to get the “chatty him”, or the “monosyllabic, minimal eye contact, sitting in the corner on his mobile him” has worn me down…

I’m sure you didn’t mean it this way but I don’t really like the phrase “your whole lifestyle is funded by him.” He wouldn’t have the job he does if I wasn’t home dealing with pretty much everything to do with the kids. He’s domesticated, helps with cooking and cleaning etc but I am definitely the one who deals with the mental load and deals with things like choosing schools/homework/exams/medical appointments/mortgage/insurances/general life admin etc etc.

@Namechangerooney1

That does change things - his drinking - your post just made him out to be pretty decent chap all things considered.

I didn't mean it to sound bad....but it's true though?. Whether you were there or not he'd still have the £100k job? To suggest otherwise diminishes what he has clearly worked hard for? If you weren't there he'd pay for someone to do those things - insurance, mortgage etc are a once a year hour on a comparison website tasks he could get a PA to do. choosing schools once every few years job. You wouldn't have a £300k mortgaged property and be able to do the job you do for the low wage and low pressure to bring money into the family if he didn't have his job? That's what I meant? And that if it was just a case of you were a bit bored by him then why walk away from the very nice lifestyle you have for something considerably less? But that was based on the way you described him in your opening posts

Also FWIW aside from the drinking and the £100k salary he sounds very much like my husband in terms of lack of affection and standoffish ness and not sure what he'll be like when family visit

But in my case I was the much much higher earner - and I definitely gave him a lifestyle he wouldn't have been able to afford without me 😂

You can leave for any reason. You are no longer happy and that's good enough.

All assets will be added together and split (starting at 50/50), this includes house equity, pensions, savings, investments, bitcoin, cars, boats, motorbikes etc, everything of value.

My stbxh has agreed to give me more of the house equity for him keeping his pensions intact. I'm okay with this as we would have to pay the pension companies for them to split it... no thanks, that's wasted money. This could be possible for you. Also, do you think he would be willing to pay the solicitors and estate agents, removal vans etc as that would also help you keep more for your new house.

But your first priority should be getting a one off consultation with a divorce solicitor who can run through your legal options better. It's worth it's weight in gold.

From what you have said I think the best thing is for you to get a more reliable income, whether that's your current freelance work or a full time position.

The asset split is likely to be slightly more in your favour but getting yourself into a position where you could raise a mortgage is very beneficial

The thing is once you divorce things will be harder for you financially. You'll go from being comfortable to poor very suddenly. It's very hard. The starting point is the house is sold and you get 50/50 equity each and you pension share too. If you have DC 50/50 then none of you will pay the other child maintenance. You won't get spousal maintenance if your DH earns £100k and you work. You might need to try to work far more hours, you might get a Universal Credit top up and if you have DC more than 50/50 your stbxh will have to pay child maintenance to you. You might have DC 4 week nights and every other weekend. Your stbxh might have them every other weekend and 1 mid week night to sleepover. In that scenario you'd get child maintenance paid to you. You would also be able to claim child benefit. You need to realise the likelihood is your stbxh will be financially much better off than you after divorce.