Alcoholic husband, I'm stuck

[RedPlayer]

Hello all. I really am at a total loss as to what to do and I hope I can get some real life advice from parents who have been through this.
My husband is totally taken over by alcohol. He stopped working in early covid, said his mental health wasn't right and needed a small breather. He already was a problem drinker then, but now is dependent I think.
We are now nearly 3 years later and his drinking is so bad. Last year we went to the GP, referred to local therapy/counselling. He's adamant he has ADHD or something. But they wouldn't do much as he was actively drinking. He saw the local drug and alcohol team, who advised he shouldn't stop flat, but should just sip at low alcohol to avert withdrawal. He said that won't work, if he has one he has to get drunk.
So it becomes everyone else's fault why he can't stop. Which I know works for him, as it "allows" him to keep drinking as "no-one will help him".
He drink drives all the time, smokes weed, and I work, come home and he's drunk, house a tip etc.
We have a DD11 and DS15, DD just diagnosed with an autoimmune condition that affects her bones and causes her really bad pain. She doesn't really like been around her dad (obviously) and so all her care falls to me. Well, all the kids care from birth has been down to me.
His family live over 150 miles away, his dad just passed away (more reasons to drink) and I have no friends left really as his drinking caused me so much embarrassment.
I know i need to end this relationship, for the kids more than anything else. I just don't know where to start. We are in a HA joint tenancy, I'm in debt up the yingyang thanks to him.
I hate coming home after work, to see what I'm walking in to. I hate how he is when he's drunk, I say I'm a verbal hostage as I'm damned if I say anything and damned if I don't. The next day it's as if nothing happened and I'm expected to just forget the fact he drove paralytic and was so drunk he couldn't hold a conversation even if I'd wanted to. And then it will happen all over again later in the day. Hes not violent, but he is intimidating and it scares me.
If you've made it this far, thank you. It helped just getting it down on a page. Any advice, legal/tenany or any encouragement is desperately needed.

Just posted something similar.
No answers. Just sending virtual love ❤️

It's so hard, and it shouldn't be right? I want him to leave, this is the kids home, he isn't capable of the level of parenting needed to run a home...lots of love @MrsImpossibleSituation ❤

You need to initiate a separation. Before your kids get any older and the debts get any bigger.

Speak to the HA- it is likely that given the fact he isnt able to care for the kids they will give you the tenancy in preference. He will need to declare himself homeless to the LA. It won't be pretty as he will likely drink more. BUT you have to do what is best for you and your kids. At 15 your DS is either in exam year, or will be next year and your DD has a significant new health condition either in her last year of primary or first year of secondary- they both need alot of time and support. Not a drunk dad wasting time and resources.

In terms of the drink driving. You can report him... phone the police tell them his route. They'll pull him in. Not ideal for your family but better than him killing some one.

Also try AlAnon its the support group for partners/family of alcoholics.

Where are your family / friends. Can you look into leaving him and taking the children and relocating near family for support. He is an alcoholic with further substance abuse issues. He drink drives. He doesn't look after the children and his substance misuse is endangering their physical and mental welfare. Alternatively can you seek legal advice and apply for an occupation order of your home so he has to leave. You don't have to live like this. It's time to put yourself and the children first. You can't change him because he's now an addict and an alcoholic and it's ok to give yourself permission to be done putting up with this. He doesn't work and doesn't contribute to the household. You need a discussion with a local solicitor and get the ball rolling on a divorce.

Feel very sorry for you and even sorrier for your children who have no agency to leave this shit situation.
You seem to still be expecting him to be able to function and be a parent/husband/functioning member of society and I think you really need to accept that he will not be that with you. It’s over. He might recover, he might not but you have no power over that and he is not going to help you with the kids, the house, the life any of it. You need to cut him loose.

So my family are local, my parents know a small degree of what's happening, but I'll admit I've kept a lot from them. I think I'm just hoping he'll leave though I know that will never happen. I know his family will take him in, but its getting him there, and them the vindictiveness I'll get from them afterwards is scarey too. He can be pretty vindictive when cornered so I worry of I leave with the kids, we'll not get back in to the house.

I know he just can't function properly. I also think over time he has convinced me I'm at least partly to blame for the situation he now finds himself in. He says I stopped giving him as much attention after the kids, my health issues, him being far from his family. He has used all of those.

Hi, not a parent but was married to an alcoholic with mental health issues. The MH issues came first, then drinking to self medicate then drinking took over.

I tired to help him for years but eventually his behaviour got to bad and I became scared in my own home, a few police visit and eventual arrest made me see sense.

My only regret I ever had was of not leaving sooner.

You may well feel alone now but many of my friends returned once my husband had gone. Life become much easier and money too when you are not bankrolling his drinking (that isn't a dig ).

You are definitely not to blame and I hope you are ok x

I think it might be time for you to confide in your family. You need their support. I think you also need to see a solicitor to get the ball rolling on a divorce and an application for occupation order/ his removal from the joint tenancy. You've got to put yourself and children first now...he has to be aware that his alcohol / drug abuse / drink / drug driving means the end of the marriage...

Yes he did have some issues when we met, but then self medicated rather than sought help, and soothe cycle began. Mental health teams won't help while he actively drinks, as they can't tell what is the alcohol and what is underneath it. He won't take heed of the alcohol intervention team as he says they don't understand how nor why he drinks..and around it goes. Thank you ❤

Yes it has come to that now, although he seems to think that just telling me he is an alcoholic is enough to placate me, maybe prick my conscience enough to keep enabling him?

You’re not helping him letting him live like this. It’s not in his best interests.

Talk to the HA tomorrow. He won’t like going but you might ease his way by telling his family first. I doubt they’ll believe his lies about you (they’re next) after a fortnight.

Your conscience is facing the horrible task of letting DH fall so he can pick
himself up. No one else can help. Booting him out is the only way he’ll ever fix this.

You’ve got two kids. They don’t deserve drunk dad.

Neither do you. 💐

Most housing associations will help if you explain it’s a form of abuse - which it is; not sure you see that. Get some legal advice from somewhere like Rights of Women.

Oh honey, my heart is going out to you. What an awful position to be in.
You need to contact the police about him driving under the influence of drink or drugs.
If he has an accident and injures or kills someone how would you feel? You wouldn't let him walk about holding a loaded gun, a car in the hands of an addict is a weapon. I did it and when my ex lost his license he tried to blame me for it. He actually thought I would be driving him about, wrong I gave him a bus timetable and told him to get on with it and I told his family the same.
Maybe getting arrested and sent to court might shock yours into accepting responsibility for his actions. Wouldn't hold my breath but it might.
Contact womens aid tomorrow morning, they're amazing. They helped me deal with the HA, benefits, debt advice, the police, and arranged an appointment with a lawyer for me. They also listened to me and helped me deal with my anger and frustrations.
My children were younger than yours when I left but it was the right thing to do. My ex's father was a nasty drunk. You know the old saying like father like son and had I not left my son would probably have went down the same road and my daughter would have thought this behaviour normal and acceptable.
Sometimes you need to break the chain.
It all came to a head one night we had been out at a birthday party and were walking home. It had been snowing and he slipped and fell and when I tried to help him up he was so drunk he couldn't stand and he began swearing and abusing me verbally saying he was going to kill me, and the kids and I were nothing to him and that's when I knew I had had enough. I left him there on the ground and went home locked the door and went to bed. I didn't care enough any more.
A few days later he got the sack from his job for stealing. He actually thought it was funny and went away with his mates for a drunken weekend.
He wasn't laughing when he came back and we weren't there. He honestly thought that saying he was sorry would make a difference. I told him to fuck off. His face was a picture. He cried and pleaded and pleaded with me to give him another chance, he would change, he would stop drinking bla bla bla. I stood there looked him in the eye and laughed. I turned my back on him and walked away. It took years but I've done well for myself and my kids both have good careers and are happy.
You need to get away from him. Not only for the kids but for you too. You've already given him enough of yourself and he doesn't deserve any more. Give your children a chance of a much better life. Being on your own can be lonely at times but believe me it's so much better than living with the constant stress of an abusive partner.
Good luck and belive in yourself you deserve a peaceful life. 💛

Really sorry to hear that , not good and frankly yes have a long chat when he is sober and not smoking or drinking the dangerous substances and explain in clear terms this is what it is if it helps ask the housing association to move you to a secure location with a constant contact support group and then get them to refer you to a better housing once where he's away from
Pubs .

Also get them to move closer to where it's far safer less influences for
Him
And be more
Confident and assertive in your reactions be stronger and resilient in the way you confront this.

So far, I've not got the nerve up to confront him. Last night he was so badly drunk after the football final, but today he's up, hoovering, emptying the bins and apparently waiting on a call back form the DA intervention people....again....i almost need him to go too far so I can get him gone and not have to explain myself. I'm such a coward 😔

Mate, he has gone too far. You’re the only one who can’t see it.

This bit "He saw the local drug and alcohol team, who advised he shouldn't stop flat, but should just sip at low alcohol to avert withdrawal," is NOT going to work for him. The advice almost killed my alcoholic brother as he felt like he needed a sip at low alcohol every minute of the day. He is sober for now after a medical detox but will remain on dialysis until the inevitable. My elderly parents are his carers and he wanders round their home covered in his own poo.

If your H is ever sober it may be an idea to explain what will happen to him if he carries on which is a painful, undignified, penniless and lonely death all while looking like a minion with black teeth.

Having experienced alcoholism, I'd just leave him because he won't listen. Most HAs will help you especially since you have yoing DC.

@RedRedPlayer Ho to Al-Anon, link at the end of this post. There are also meetings online, too.

Your husband is clearly alcoholic. He talks about not being able to stop after the first drink. That tells me he is. The fiest drink sets off the phrnomon of craving, which does not happen with a "normal" drinker

I am a long-term member of A.A ,(21 years sober next month) with dual membership to Al-Anon (Ex is alcoholic) with other 12 step programs such as ACAADF (Adult Children Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families)

You need support for you because it is a family illness. It affects everyone whose lives are touched by the drinker.

Also, have a chat with your local women's aid. Being in a relationship like this is classed as emotional abuse because you're all being affected. Here's the link for women's aid.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Please also at least look at the link below for Al-Anon, too. 8

al-anonuk.org.uk/getting-help/

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Being stuck in a situation like this is so hard, but the priority now should be you and your children. I can't help much with advice on his alcoholism, I've seen family members going through it and he needs to be the one to want to put the drink down, but maybe this might help in where you can start to make sure you're ready for your separation - https://iamlip.com/help-guides/pre-divorce/ you don't have to do it in 28 days but it might help tell you what you need to do beforehand that you may not have thought of e.g. getting important documents.
Living in fear is no way to live. I'm glad you are on a route towards a better future for you and your children. Stay on it. It may be difficult now or seem overwhelming but your future self will thank you for it xxx
Also please do reach out for help for yourself too, his drinking is a reflection of himself and not you. Don't let embarrassment stop you from getting the help you need x

It sounds horrendous for you and your poor children. I think you need to speak to women's aid and seek support from the organisations mentioned by other posters. You aren't a coward. You're being abused.

Sorry if this is insensitive but how does he get the money for weed if he isn't working, I'd be very annoyed at the money wasted on weed that should be spent on the family, never mind on alcohol,

You need support. Could try gp again. There are support groups for relatives of users. I would get advice about the tenancy if you can. Perhaps lawyer through cab. I think you need to try to get him counselling for addiction and depression.