"Bad" wife

[dontwanttostay]

Quite a few husbands justify their decisions to separate or cheat, by saying that we are "bad" wives.

I am the first one to admit that I am not as good as a really good wife can be; I am overworked or overwhelmed by life/health issues which means I am more grumpy than I should be, I am not very affectionate, I don't initiate sex frequently, I am not "serving" my husband's needs as if they are a major life goal (whatever those can be!). I do have a million great qualities though that apparently don't seem to tip the balance to the "good" wife side. I am loyal, I am on top of every admin that needs to be done in our life, I am a good mom, I am clean and tidy, I have a secure job that pays well, I love living life by going out or on holidays, I have a great family that loves and supports us, I have supported my husband emotionally and practically every step of the way, I am prioritising everyone's wellbeing over mine 99.9% of the time, to name a few...

On the other hand, a husband that blames his "bad" wife, seems to think they are a godsend gift, everything they do is justified or should be appreciated (no, putting your filthy underwear on the laundry basket is not to be celebrated as an achievement).

My "perfect" husband calls me names and belittles me at every occasion, could not give a crap if I am dying on the floor next to him (complete lack of empathy), has never bought me a single gift or a cake to celebrate my birthday (that includes every other occasion), but does not seem to understand why I do not want to have sex with him 😂 Would you?!

Why are we so stupidly blind and we are tolerating lack of respect just to keep the family together? Why are we okay with being taken for granted, and there is absolutely no appreciation of our contribution to the family, only reprimands for the things we don't do well?

I have initiated divorce procedures - this time it's for good, and nothing will change my mind. I'd honestly rather be alone than having to compete with an imaginary idea of a "good" wife!!

And onto the topic of the "talk": how to divorce a narcissistic husband, who is all ready for a smear campaign to prove that you are a horrible mom who cannot be trusted with the welfare of the children because you left the kids with the grandparents to attend a beauty appointment 😅

There used to be a saying "Behind every great man is a great woman". I think the following is also true - Behind every alleged bad wife is a bad husband.

I was so pleased to read you have seen the light and have started the divorce. Good luck

Most people take the pro’s and con’s in a relationship and work with them with an acceptance that neither you nor they are perfect in every department. Some men (and I’m sure women) can’t do that. They have a vision where everything they do is perfect;( even if it is far from it) and hold you to standards and behaviours that they imagine everyone else has (when they don’t!). Unfortunately you can’t win with these types, whatever you do.

You deserve to be with someone who values you or happy on your own if you choose. Some men do seem to be very good at spotting others flaws but not seeing their own. Good for you that you’ve assessed the situation and are putting yourself and your wellbeing first.

Thanks everyone... I am sure you know how tough it is to separate from someone you've been with for over a decade, especially when there are kids involved and you cannot act the way you feel like towards their father because you don't want to hurt them. Maybe it's just me, but I really have to bite my tongue when the kids praise their father when it's so clear to me that he is completely absent. They crave his attention because they love him so much, while I feel like as they will keep growing I will make them sick of me being the responsible parent who makes them disciplined and nags them about a healthy lifestyle... I do hope they will be more understanding as they grow up and are able to look back without rose tinted glasses.

What hurts the most is knowing that their father is trying so hard to portray me like a monster mom who neglects her kids and does not care about their welfare. I feel observed and judged, and so scared that I will say/the kids will say something or something will happen to the kids and it will lead to a hissy fit and hurtful words. He will fight me hard for taking more than 50% of the time with the kids - you know how narcissists are, they only care about winning, no matter who gets hurt in the process. Funny enough, being called a bad wife did not push me over the edge this time. It was being called a bad mom and that, I cannot tolerate.