Husband has met someone else

[AnnaP81]

So this evening, my husband told me he’s ‘met’ someone else. We’ve been married 15 years this year. 2 children (11&9).

Our relationship hasn’t been great for a couple of years. He struggles with his mental health, there have been numerous gaps in our household (both work but I do majority of household/mental load). I know I’ve let resentment build in this time and haven’t fully communicated it as he can get quite defensive when asked to share the load and can then have a spell where he doesn’t get out of bed for a couple of days so I end up doing it all myself anyway. I’ve found it tough feeling I can’t be ill/break down as I can’t rely on him to pick up the load.

This time last year, as a household, we were bringing in £110k so quite a comfortable lifestyle although we live in the south east and have a large mortgage. In September he had a major breakdown (apparently due to work stress) was signed off sick for 4 months and started a new job 6 weeks ago with a 50% pay cut. During this time I’ve had the stress of working, juggling the finances whilst he was off sick and dealing with the children whilst he focused on exercising, meditation and reading to help him recover. Apart from my family, only a couple of other people have asked me if I’m ok.

This evening, he’s told me he’s met someone else. Someone he’s been friends with for a while (mainly online) but feelings have developed over the past few weeks. He said he was out with her last night (he told me he was having a uni mate reunion), they’ve kissed but not had sex.

I was shocked and didn’t ask loads of questions as couldn’t quite get my head round it all. I know things haven’t been great between us but I think I’m burnt out and haven’t had the mental capacity to tackle that as a priority amongst everything else that has been going on. Separating would break my kids hearts and we’d have to sell our house and downsize and I’m not even sure either of us would be able to buy our own houses given the cost of houses here.

In our chat, he did say that this other woman lives 3hrs away so it’s not like he’s planning on moving in with her (she is divorced and has a young child too).He said he doesn’t want a divorce and thinks we could live together with the boys but I really don’t think I could do that. I feel like he wants his housemaid (me) here to run the household, support him financially (now that he’s taken a 50% paycut) whilst he has a long distance with occasional meet up affair.

I need to speak to him tomorrow but don’t know what I should be asking him. I don’t know if this is all associated with his breakdown. If we do separate, I’m now the higher earner (since he’s given up his professional career) and have local family support so will be best placed to set up with the kids. I do worry though, that if we separate and this new relationship breaks down, he’ll spiral downwards again (he has mentioned suicide in the past).

I plan on talking to my sister tomorrow but can’t face telling my parents yet. Don’t know whether I should be pretending all is ok for a while and see how things pan out over the next few weeks. Don’t know whether I should be fighting and say we should have counselling to see if we can get back on track or if we’ve passed the point of no return. Don’t know whether I should agree to remain in the household for the kids and financial stability. Or whether I should demand a divorce, sell the house, split the assets and start again, knowing that we’d both struggle to buy a house on a single income and our kids lifestyles would be dramatically changed.

I’m not planning on making a rash decision. He said I could go away and have some space or he would go for a few days if I wanted him to. It’s half term here so the kids would ask questions if one of us wasn’t around.

Any advice on next steps?

A hand hold from me @AnnaP81.

I think you have had such strong responses to your OP because it’s clear as day that your DH ain’t worth shit and doesn’t deserve you. The fact that he would merrily drop this on you whilst simultaneously saying that he effectively wants nothing to change tells you everything you need to know about him and his priorities in your relationship (himself).

Tell the world, including the children, the truth. If he decides to kill himself over your decision to leave him his actions will be many things but what they won’t be is your fault. But, spoiler alert, selfish men who threaten suicide never have the courage to do it.

He says they've only kissed because she doesn't want to be seen as the other woman.

So that going forward they can play the old 'his marriage was over before our relationship started card'

Think about that, he's protecting her reputation at the expense of you and your children.

He knows exactly what he's doing, the salary reduction etc...you are playing catch up here. He's had plenty of time to think and plan, also at your expense

Get rid.

Look at all your financials. Can he withdraw large amounts from joint accounts at all? Get all paper work and book in with a solicitor for advice, go armed with questions and take notes through the appointment.

The marriage is over.

Ignore all wailing and threats and remember he has ended the marriage not you.

Start putting your kids and yourself first. And work on the what next, how to have a good co parenting relationship, don't be mean about him in front of the kids, be fair about him (whatever you say to your friends) etc etc.

Also it's very unlikely that the woman in this case is on the same page as him, so expect him back on the doorstep at some point trying to get things back to where they were. That is the point you'll have to be strong.

Please don't let him manipulate you emotionally, financially, mentally etc.

It's a huge shock for you. Just stop and think. Get as clearer head has you can before making decisions, especially any decisions that could be in his favour.

Your husband is a selfish, self-centred man. ‘I do worry though, that if we separate and this new relationship breaks down, he’ll spiral downwards again (he has mentioned suicide in the past). ‘
I lost a sibling this way due to work-related stress. It is not something to throw around just to get his own way.

What an absolute waste of space. Playing the mental health card then swanning off and enjoying an affair whilst you keep the household running!!!

Run for the hills. You deserve so much more than to be this man’s carer. Let him enjoy his bird from 3 hours away (ha! Let’s see how happy that makes him in the long run) and start a new, happy life with your children.

Even if it means downsizing, you will thank yourself hugely in the long run.

I can't believe he suggested YOU go away for a few days for some space. He's the one that can fuck off!

Good to see your mind is made up, OP. I was going to say that if you can think of it less as a terrible loss and more as a door opening onto a new and better future it will help. But you're already doing that!

Chuffed to hear your mum will be on side. Sometimes third parties can see what's going on far more clearly than we can. I hope she will offer you loads of help and support in the coming months.

Your children will be aware of the way he is, and that he's not pulling his weight in the household. If he's as needy and immature as he sounds in your description, they may not be too bothered by the separation. Even when I was their age I was aware that it wasn't fair that my mum was required to do so much housework while my dad read the paper and waited for his dinner.

If you can bear it, it might help to play along with him ('I'm confused, I need another week or two to let your news sink in') while you prepare. Find a divorce solicitor and work out what the options are in this situation. Get together all relevant paperwork, create a bank account only you have access to and siphon off at least half of any savings into that, talk to you bank about shutting down any joint credit cards and take out new ones in your sole name. Passports, legal docs, mortgage statements, pension statements, proof of ownership of vehicles etc (copies of his as well as yours).

Good luck. It'll be hard to start with but I bet in two years you'll be looking back and wondering why it took you so long to end things.

Listern to what has happened… you have been with this man thick and thin supported him at his highest and lowest. THAT WAS NOT ENOUGH… leave. Call a solicitor asap and get advise on property and assets. You will be fine YOU WILL BE FINE you don’t know it yet but the relief you will feel will be invigorating. HE IS NOT THE PRIZE. He has created this persona to who ever this women is of this amazing guy and he has this fantasy. Would she want him if she actually knew him? Would she want the baggage of the MH issues and loss of pay?!? No she wouldn’t. Walk away, you still have time to enjoy your life and kids. Make sure he leaves!!! Do why you need to do for childcare but he leaves!

Glad to hear you have a supportive Mum and are in a headspace where you can accept it is over. I do think you need to harden your heart more. He needs to leave and shouldn't manipulate you emotionally into letting him stay in the house. He will find a temporary solution to housing, whether that is friends, family or Airbnb/hostel.

The mention of suicide is a classic tool of manipulation but if the worst happened and he did kill himself (god forbid for your kids' sakes), that is on him. And only on him.

His life is probably going to be shittier now but again that's on him, for looking elsewhere, shirking being a good partner, doing his fair share of family labour, and presumably not working towards getting the mental health support he needs (as if that is an excuse for checking out of family life and chores. How many mums are on antidepressants and can still do chores? Oh look, the majority 🙄)

@AnnaP81 You've already had loads of good advice and it is virtually unanimous.

You have been carrying this lazy, selfish, manipulating workshy waste of space for far too long. No wonder he doesn't want a divorce! He wants to keep his nice cosy set up just as it is, and keep his affair on the side. Fuck that. You are worth far more than that.

What to ask him? Tell the twat he doesn't get to call the shots. You don't want to live with him any more, you want a divorce and ask him to leave. Where he goes is not your problem.

In the interim period (starting today) while your'e still in the same house, make sure you live totally separately.No more shopping, cooking, washing etc for him and he sleeps in the spare room or on the sofa.

Oh, and on the suicide front it's often the people who threaten to commit suicide who don't, while the silent ones, whom everyone thinks are doing okay, just slip off and do it one day. I've had a family member and also very close colleague/ friend who did just that. No one, not even their spouses, had the faintest idea that either were feeling low, let alone suicidal.

If the thought that he might commit suicide troubles you, it might be worth talking to Mind to see if there's any local support for people who are supporting people with MH issues.

I know all the disruption of a breakup feels like it’d be cruel for the kids right now, but honestly, staying together can be so much more damaging.

I say this having been the kid of a couple who stayed together “for the kids”, only to grow up and realize their relationship (which I’d taken to be the model for how normal relationships work) was a lie. It’s warped my own sense of security in relationships with others, and taken away all my trust in my parents as people to confide in/be honest with.

Doesn't bring a lot to the table does he.. tell him he needs to find somewhere else to live.

Definitely don't agree to stay living together while he sees another woman on the side.

If you want to, give him the opportunity to make a clear choice - your marriage or the other woman.

If you don't want to, don't even give him that.

He's not your responsibility.

Leave while you still have some dignity. Don’t lose it trying to salvage the small scraps of what is left

You don’t need him . Ask him to leave , see a solicitor ,separate , divorce, move on . Please look after yourself , DC and your assets. Stop subsidising this loser.

I really feel for you, reading your post and your update. Everyone - including you - is correct and he's taking the p*ss. He wants to have his cake and eat it, and I would also question whether he's really had a breakdown or if he's just been wanting to leave his job and get out there and sow his wild oats. Meanwhile you're doing all the hard work of actually running the show - and financing it.

You've got to give him a good hard kick up the arse. If he knows you're serious about leaving, he might come crawling back. The low paid job and other woman might not be quite so attractive when they're all he's got. I'd seriously think twice about letting him wheedle his way back in though. Good luck with it all.

ANother one with "mental health" issues as an excuse. Urgh. "Off you fuck then", I would say.

This is chilling but possibly accurate. OP, could he have carefully managed to establish that he has major MH issues (four months off work is major) and taken a lower-paid job in order to position himself so that he won't be expected to support the children and can claim a larger portion of the settlement due to the fact that he is unable to work at a higher level/ salary?

My friend is a relationship counsellor and she has told me countless times how the cheating man has invariably had a ‘breakdown’ or suffers with his mental health. Threatening suicide also.

It’s all part of the crap husband’s script and license to behave terribly without consequence. Don’t fall for it.

If he wanted the marriage to survive he would have either told you but then said it’s all over and he really wants to repair the damage, or quietly cut ties to the OW and focused on you.

He doesn’t care about you or your marriage. The reason he is suggesting you stay in the same house is a) he wants the nanny/housemaid, as you surmise and b) he doesn’t want to be the Bad Guy who cheated and left. By giving you “time to think” and the option of staying together he can tell himself the split is somehow your fault not his.

Please don’t consider staying in the same house but separated. A PP mentioned working on the marriage. If you want you can tell him that there is the option of working on the marriage - for me this would mean cutting all ties to OW, a lot of grovelling and him making a massive effort to repair your relationship. But I doubt it will work as clearly that’s not where his head is. He hasn’t even suggested it.

Unfortunately there isn’t a good time to tell kids but I would say sooner rather than later to give your eldest time to adjust before secondary. But agree not right before a residential.

He wants you around so that he doesn't have to run his own household. Now he will really have it all, a housewife who will clean his house and sort his children out and a girlfriend

Please seek legal advice - you need to stay in that house until your kids are 18 and then work out what to do. His choice to cheat on you, he should be the one to leave. Get as much IRL support as you can, legal advice and get this deadbeat out of your life.