Ex not having children when CO ssays

Mnbvcxzlkhgfds · 2024-02-15T15:30:55+00:00

Ex has court order with EOW pick up school on Friday and keep until Monday morning drop at school. This weekend he just wants to pick them up on Sunday morning because he’s busy on Saturday!( why has he planned something on the weekend he should have the kids) He doesn’t live in the same city as the kids so can’t have them on the Friday. He hasn’t asked if it’s okay. He’s texted: is it my weekend to have the kids? I can pick them up on Sunday because I’m busy on Saturday and won’t get to (kids hometown) until late on Saturday. 😡 ex gets a court order to see the kids but isn’t committing to it. I’m mad because he’s not coming and he can just expect me to do extra. How can you coparent someone who is unreliable? How do you document when he comes and how much time he spends with them? I’d like to have proof of him being inconsistent in case I need it in the future.

wallowinginmywellies · 15/02/2024 15:32

You can't do anything about it, sorry. He can't be forced to have them. But they will grow up knowing who they can rely on.

Forthelovagod · 15/02/2024 15:38

Ive had exactly the same situation and like pp says you cant force them to be a good reliable parent.
When my exh started neing unreliable my daughters got sick of it and made their own plans, exh adopted the narrative that his horrible exw turned his dc against him which was all terribly convenient for him. My daughters haven't seen him for 4 years and ive recently had to chase him through the csm to financially support his children.
Its frustrating and disheartening.

Valtine2 · 15/02/2024 15:42

Tell him you will take him back to court!

Sanch1 · 15/02/2024 15:42

As above, you cant force him to have them. Court orders are worth bobbins really in this situation. You have to make them available, he doesnt have to show up. If you feel it necessary take screen shots of all correspondence regarding him telling you he'll be late, not coming etc in case you need it in future. Its rubbish.

Sanch1 · 15/02/2024 15:43

Valtine2 · 15/02/2024 15:42

Tell him you will take him back to court!

Wont make any difference, court cant make him see his children.

SilkFloss · 15/02/2024 15:45

What would happen if you replied to say, "The Court Order YOU asked for states that this is your weekend. You are therefore responsible for collecting them from school on Friday as usual. You should not have made arrangements to be "busy." I am unavailable to help you out on this occasion so you will need to alter your plans."

abbey44 · 15/02/2024 15:58

What would happen if you’d already made plans on the basis that it was his weekend to have the children?

My ex was like this, really unreliable, so I ended up not being able to make plans - ever - on my supposed child-free weekends as I never knew whether he was going to turn up or not. He’d also stagger having the children over longer holidays, so he’d have them one at a time, which made everything difficult and gave me no free time. That was twenty years ago, so it seems nothing much has changed with the system. There must surely be a better way…

Valtine2 · 15/02/2024 16:11

How unreasonable is your ex OP? I took my ex to court he just does Saturday AM till Sunday evening EOW. Before caught he refused since having a legal agreement in place he has never broken it once.

He's texted you asking if it's OK. Just tell him no and going forward he needs to do the next 2 weekends in a row!

jannier · 15/02/2024 16:22

Sorry I'm away straight from school drop off until Sunday

Original poster

Mnbvcxzlkhgfds · 15/02/2024 16:28

SilkFloss · 15/02/2024 15:45

What would happen if you replied to say, "The Court Order YOU asked for states that this is your weekend. You are therefore responsible for collecting them from school on Friday as usual. You should not have made arrangements to be "busy." I am unavailable to help you out on this occasion so you will need to alter your plans."

Thank you for all the replies ….

I’d like to be assertive and have said things like this before but I feel it’s just futile because he’s over 250 miles away and hasn’t booked any transport to get here to see the kids. He’s told me he’s not coming so he won’t change his plans. It won’t make much difference trying to argue with him. I could threaten court but would be extra expense and hassle which I can’t afford and don’t want the stress.
id ask my own parents or family to have the kids on Friday or Saturday this week to give me a break seeing as I’ve had them all half term without break. However, my parents live in the house he stays in up here (my exmarital house that I was bought out of) rent free and get paid for living there, keeping it and helping him with the kids when he bothers to turn up. I think that’s wrong plus they have been so disgusting to me and unsupportive of me since my divorce that I’ve gone no contact with them. My family now can only see the kids when ex is up here. I can only hope that my mum and dad will have a go at him for not coming to see the kids and making himself busy on his weekend when they should see them but realistically if it risks them losing their benefits and being homeless because they sold the house they lived in to live in my ex-marital house I doubt that will happen.

It’s a really unfair system. Court order I have is literally pointless.

OP posts:

HappyAsASandboy · 15/02/2024 16:29

SilkFloss · 15/02/2024 15:45

What would happen if you replied to say, "The Court Order YOU asked for states that this is your weekend. You are therefore responsible for collecting them from school on Friday as usual. You should not have made arrangements to be "busy." I am unavailable to help you out on this occasion so you will need to alter your plans."

This. Exactly this.

Then if the kids school calls on Friday because they've not been picked up, tell the school it is Dad's weekend and they should call him. If he doesn't answer the phone or refuses to pick them up, then obviously you have to, but you should then ask the school to document that Dad failed to collect and so you stepped in. The school will have seen this all before and are far more likely to support you than judge you.

The kids will feel a bit pushed from pillar to post on Friday afternoon, but that is a small cost in comparison to your ex thinking he can treat you like the default parent. Nip it in the bud now, otherwise he'll pull this stunt a thousand time to suit himself and to prevent you enjoying your child free time.

LilBus · 15/02/2024 16:30

It’s not pointless…
for him

LilBus · 15/02/2024 16:30

HappyAsASandboy · 15/02/2024 16:29

This. Exactly this.

Then if the kids school calls on Friday because they've not been picked up, tell the school it is Dad's weekend and they should call him. If he doesn't answer the phone or refuses to pick them up, then obviously you have to, but you should then ask the school to document that Dad failed to collect and so you stepped in. The school will have seen this all before and are far more likely to support you than judge you.

The kids will feel a bit pushed from pillar to post on Friday afternoon, but that is a small cost in comparison to your ex thinking he can treat you like the default parent. Nip it in the bud now, otherwise he'll pull this stunt a thousand time to suit himself and to prevent you enjoying your child free time.

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Only punishing the kids there

SilkFloss · 15/02/2024 16:30

I appreciate that it won't change things for this weekend but it nonetheless makes the point that his contact weekends aren't (or shouldn't be) ditched when he gets a better offer.

Icannotbudget · 15/02/2024 16:33

If he’s not having them for the 3 nights a fortnight he’s supposed to can get your child maintenance increased? Not the point i know but can you at least ‘sanction’ him that way?

SilkFloss · 15/02/2024 16:34

"Only punishing the kids there"
And that's how this stuff carries on going. Sometimes, you have to play the longer game and push back. It won't harm the kids to be waiting for half an hour. At the very least, they will know that Mum showed up when Dad didn't.

Theunamedcat · 15/02/2024 16:36

I used to wait around the corner of the school tell them dad was pissing about with contact (nicely) can they wave me in if he doesn't show up because he refused to let the school have his phone number 🤔 so they could never try to call

LilBus · 15/02/2024 16:38

Wont make you a better parent deliberately leaving your kids at school knowing they won’t be picked up. It can and will carry on because you can’t force someone to have their children so I’m not sure what that little plan will do anyway as he knows the op will only pick them up anyway.

clpsmum · 15/02/2024 16:45

I would refuse and make him wait til his next access date tbh

wallowinginmywellies · 15/02/2024 18:31

HappyAsASandboy · 15/02/2024 16:29

This. Exactly this.

Then if the kids school calls on Friday because they've not been picked up, tell the school it is Dad's weekend and they should call him. If he doesn't answer the phone or refuses to pick them up, then obviously you have to, but you should then ask the school to document that Dad failed to collect and so you stepped in. The school will have seen this all before and are far more likely to support you than judge you.

The kids will feel a bit pushed from pillar to post on Friday afternoon, but that is a small cost in comparison to your ex thinking he can treat you like the default parent. Nip it in the bud now, otherwise he'll pull this stunt a thousand time to suit himself and to prevent you enjoying your child free time.

Show quote history

How could any mum consider doing this to their children? It is an appalling suggestion. The OP is a caring, reliable parent, the ex isn't. The Op is going to step in and not only care for the children this weekend, but make them feel that she is delighted with the opportunity to have them extra.

OP, can you contact the CSA and up his payments if he isn't doing his share of caring?

HappyAsASandboy · 15/02/2024 18:32

@LilBus I disagree. The kids won't be hurt by being at school an extra 20 mins while calls are made, even if it happens several times.

The trade off for the kids feeling a bit confused or left behind for 20 mins on 3 or 4 occasions is that OP has evidence (in the form of school's records) that ex didn't collect them for his contact time. OP can use this to request the contact order is changed, if she wants to.

wallowinginmywellies · 15/02/2024 18:33

SilkFloss · 15/02/2024 16:34

"Only punishing the kids there"
And that's how this stuff carries on going. Sometimes, you have to play the longer game and push back. It won't harm the kids to be waiting for half an hour. At the very least, they will know that Mum showed up when Dad didn't.

Yes it will harm the kids. They will likely never forget it, and will be deeply distressed. The worst thing you can do to a kid is make them feel unwanted. I cant believe any loving parent would ever contemplate playing these games. I have seen it in my street sometimes, it is utterly heart breaking

LilBus · 15/02/2024 18:33

wallowinginmywellies · 15/02/2024 18:31

How could any mum consider doing this to their children? It is an appalling suggestion. The OP is a caring, reliable parent, the ex isn't. The Op is going to step in and not only care for the children this weekend, but make them feel that she is delighted with the opportunity to have them extra.

OP, can you contact the CSA and up his payments if he isn't doing his share of caring?

Show quote history

Exactly glad it’s not just me that wouldn’t want to deliberately confuse and upset my children to point score against my ex

Galeforcewindatmywindow · 15/02/2024 18:36

Keep a diary of when he is actually being a parent... Cms should know if he regularly cancels..
Keep all texts etc. Going forward don't offer alternate times.. The stability can come from you for your dc. He doesn't get to drop in and out at will.

HappyAsASandboy · 15/02/2024 18:42

@wallowinginmywellies I guess my kids would be absolutely fine if they weren't collected for 20 mins after school.

The OP can absolutely show pleasure at the extra time with the kids, but at the same time is being transparent with the school that ex isn't stepping up, documenting what the ex is doing, and showing the kids that if Dad doesn't turn up then she will.

Just grumbling on Mumsnet and then capitulating to the demands of the ex shows him he can do what he likes and OP will cover for him to the kids and to school, and sets the precedent that he can do this without consequence any time he likes. I can almost guarantee that the ex doesn't care about letting the kids down or inconveniencing OP, but there's a fair chance he will feel like a shit dad explaining to the school that he tried to cancel contact but the OP said no so he just didn't bother turning up. Two or three occasions of explaining himself to the school and he'll stop the behaviour and either ask OP instead of informing her, the Contact Order will get changed (which gives OP evidence for CMS) or he'll step up and start seeing his kids when he's supposed to.

While mothers "protect" the kids by covering for the dad, they let the dad continue to treat the kids badly and the kids see that mum accommodates that.