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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Moving children away from dad after divorce

36 replies

OneJadeRaven · 09/02/2024 23:26

Hi there. I'm a new mumsnetter so please be gentle with me!
I was married for 13 years (split up a year ago). My husband was emotionally abusive and it has taken me a long time to admit that. When we split I tried to commit to a really friendly, amicable situation, which was total pie in the sky. I started seeing someone new (a childhood friend) and he went absolutely bonkers. I can understand he was upset but crying and puking in front of the children, shouting at me in my own home and so on seems unreasonable. Since then he has been totally inconsistent towards my children who are highly distressed about it, manipulative and verbally abusive towards me (but always with an apology so I feel I have to forget it and get on with being nice). We live near all his family and miles from mine. I feel very isolated, and depressed. I want to move in with my new partner and his children who live a two hour drive away. I'm sure he'll take me to court and I'm worried he'll try and turn the kids against me. But I want a life, and I want to live away from his crazy orbit. Even the thought of seeing him when he drops the kids off makes me really stressed. I promised him that I wouldn't move away from where we live because I really thought I could make it work, and because I'm scared of him and keep saying things to please him. Now I'm desperate to get out. Has anyone else moved children a long way from their dad? Has it been okay? Does it make me a terrible person? I know we could have a better life but I'm so scared.

OP posts:

millymollymoomoo · 10/02/2024 07:36

Sorry op but it’s not reasonable yo ex is t your children to live that far, even less so into your new partners home with his children. That’s way too soon . You’ve only been split a year!

way too much upheaval for your children.

you should try to detach from your ex, and do parent. You don’t need to be friends or even really amicable and I can understand your feelings honestly, but this is not imo the right answer.

can you look to detach. Don’t see him at handovers, arrange third party to do so or pick up from
school/nirsery/club or whatever. How old are your children?

and if he does put in prohibited steps I think a judge would likely rule in his favour tbh.

AnEmbarrasmentofWitches · 10/02/2024 07:38

YABU

And if your kids are already distressed, don’t bring another man on the scene. Prioritise their well-being.

millymollymoomoo · 10/02/2024 07:40

Should say it’s not reasonable to your ex, more importantly to the children.

DustyLee123 · 10/02/2024 07:40

YABU, I can’t see a court allowing that. If you were to move back to your family for support perhaps, but not to a new partner .

TeaKitten · 10/02/2024 07:44

You are being awful to your children. You split from their dad 1 year ago, and now want to move them 2 hours away and give up their home to live in some other guys house with his kids. It’s great that you left your DH but doing this to your kids doesn’t make you better than him, and will distress your kids more. Put them first, if you move, move closer to your family in a house that is just you and your children. Moving in with another guy after a year and uprooting them won’t help you in court either as it’s clearly not in their best interests.

MixingPlaydough · 10/02/2024 07:45

Im going to be honest and say it doesn't sound like you're putting your children first here which is what you both should be doing posit split. Your split is fairly recent and already you're seeing someone new and want to move to live with them, it feels very rushed.

I doubt the courts would entertain the idea of uprooting the children from their home and father to move two hours away to live with another man. If you want to move then why not consider moving closer to your family?

Howbizarre22 · 10/02/2024 07:45

Yep please don’t move in with a new partner after less than it year it’s not fair in the kids at all. I think after the drama they need peace and calm not being forced to live with man and his kids they don’t know that well. It’s damaging. Especially as history could repeat itself in this relationship but even if it doesn’t moving in is too much for the kids especially so soon.

Meadowfinch · 10/02/2024 07:45

OP, I understand you needing peace and distance from your ex, but you are vulnerable, even desperate, and moving in with another man is not the best thing for you or your dcs. Don't add that complication to your already stressed life.

I moved away from my ex, about 80 miles, back to my home town. Far enough that I could rebuild and refind my feet, but not so far that ex couldn't see ds regularly.

I sort of shrank my life to what dc & I needed, and what I could cope with on my own at the time, regrouped and then worked outwards.

Take it slowly, you need to heal. x

WandaWonder · 10/02/2024 07:47

Maybe try putting your kids first, the court would think that is more appropriate

pinkdelight · 10/02/2024 07:49

I want to move in with my new partner and his children who live a two hour drive away

That's a terrible plan only one year after splitting. Yabu to want to move in with a new guy, however long you've known him, and blend families. By your own account, the kids have been through a lot already and now you want to uproot them and mix them with someone else's kids. It makes me think you're racking up the case against your ex to get your own way because of your feelings for the new man, and not being clear header about what's best for you and your dc. Have you done the freedom program, worked on yourself so you won't wind up in another abusive situation? Take a while longer to be independent of a man and give your kids more stability.

Wildhorses2244 · 10/02/2024 07:54

I agree with pp that it’s far too early to move in with a new partner, you need to be thinking in 2 or 3 years time once everyone knows each other much better.

One thing which you can reasonably do in preparation is make sure that you have a really consistent access pattern for the children which would work with you being further away. Every other weekend plus half the holidays is pretty standard.

The easiest way to manage the move will be for you to offer to do all of the travel and to keep access the same - that way there is nothing for your ex to object to. So, think wisely about what pattern would work for that, negotiate to put it in place, and do it for a year before you even think about moving.

If your ex is being flaky about contact this will make it easier to move towards a pattern which suits you because his lack of consistency gives you the control. Chase up access at the times you want him to see them, never chase him for the times you don’t- eg a mid week night would be hard after the move- and then after a few months renegotiate the mid week night for example

Christmastree455555 · 10/02/2024 07:56

It can be easily blocked by your ex through the courts. How will the children see their dad? Will you drive them back up?

Noideawwhatsoccuring · 10/02/2024 08:01

I can get wanting to move away and back near family. This can be a highly complex situation in abusive circumstances.

But you want to live your distressed children in with a man and his kids, when your marriage ended a year ago? So you have known this man, as a partner, for how long? And you and this man spend how much time together now? Because it can’t be much time together since you both have kids and live 2 hours apart?

That is a shockingly bad decision.

Does this new man live near your family?

C00k · 10/02/2024 08:17

There was a no possible way it's in your kids best interests to be made to live with an unrelated male and his kids.
It would be damaging and so uncomfortable for them to be made to do this just to facilitate your love life, no matter if they've already met your bloke and appear to like him. Enjoy dating, no need to drag your kids in to it.

Yeah, your ex is a dickhead, but he can rightly take you to court to prevent you making this incredibly poor choice to move his kids away, and, it's the parent who moves who must transport the kids when they're due to see the other parent. Do 4hr round trips appeal to you?

WhyIOughtTo · 10/02/2024 08:43

I would think incredibly hard before moving your children in with your boyfriend. That is an absolutely enormous step, even if they hadn't just been through a traumatic divorce and even if they didn't have to move away from the place they know and their schools and their friends.

Dara99 · 10/02/2024 08:48

I work in the family courts and have seen judges give primary residence to the other parent when one moves away. I wouldn't if I were you OP. How often does your partner see his kids?

Dara99 · 10/02/2024 08:48

And how old are your children?

Crazydaze82 · 10/02/2024 08:51

Distance yourself from your ex. Maybe have a 3rd party to do children's changeovers, use a parenting app, have changeovers to and from school or in a public place. Have set times and places.

Soontobe60 · 10/02/2024 08:52

Whilst I understand your wish to move away from this man, your plans to move in with someone who’s a relative stranger to your children is a poor choice. It’s likely your dc will want to stay with their dad for a start!
Regarding your ex’s behaviour, you need some support in managing this. I suggest you contact your local Women’s refuge who will be able to signpost you to support in dealing with a manipulative ex. In the meantime, choose your boundaries and stick to them. There are coparenting apps that can be very useful, I have linked below. It helps both parents to communicate better for the sake of their DC. Your Dc shouldn’t be witnessing conflict between the 2 of you. It may be that you need to use a contact centre moving forward.
Have you got legal agreements on contact / finances in place? If not, do so asap!

YorkBound · 10/02/2024 09:00

Moving away isn't your biggest worry here, you can easily move an hour away and be out of this horrible situation. Moving in with another man is unreasonable. Don't rush into this new thing, it's not fair on your children. How old are they, btw? The stage they are at in school is something to consider.

Shiningout · 10/02/2024 09:06

I know the temptation is strong to move away but you can't, it won't go well for you in the end. And I think it's crazy to be moving in with another man and his kids after such a short period.

You need to live on your own for a bit and sort out custody arrangements etc and get the kids settled and stabilised before you rush into making these huge decisions that will probably bite you on the arse. I would love to move away, I have a 7 year old, but I can't, she has to see her dad and I have to be amicable and stay close by to her father until she is much older and out of school. It's just the way life goes when you have children you can't just think of yourself and do as you please.

Sodndashitall · 10/02/2024 09:11

What is the arrangements between you ? You can't move them if he has them during the week as schooling wouldn't work.
Courts will put interest of child at the fore and they need access to both parents and stability. Personally find other ways to not see the ex at handovers and just focus on rebuilding yourself before big moves and DPs etc

BloodyAdultDC · 10/02/2024 09:17

There's nothing stopping you moving in with your new man op.

How will you make time to visit your kids after they move in with their dad? And have you worked out how much CMS you'll have to pay?

I moved quite a distance with my kids after my divorce, but I moved to the same village as my mum - my home town - and where all my support network was, after exh isolated me completely for years during a very abusive marriage.

piscofrisco · 10/02/2024 09:26

Please don't do this. Dh's ex wife limbed my step sons an hour and a bit away as she wanted to move on with her new boyfriend. It is awful for everyone involved except the two of them. The travelling for all of us is awful. When they are with us the. It's are away from their friends in the new place and it's shit for them. The alternative is that we don't do it and the boys don't end up having a relationship with their dad. That's not beneficial to them in the slightest. You might not like your ex, he might not like you. But you had kids together presumably in an area you chose for a reason. You've got a responsibility to keep them near their Dad and everything and everyone they know until they are done with school at least.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/02/2024 09:28

Terrible idea. You’re rushing wildly into something that’s awful for your children and not good for you.

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