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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Ex coming into former marital home

35 replies

Nimbus1999 · 06/02/2024 15:59

…. I take it there is nothing I can do about this? Owned jointly, ex hasn’t lived there for 1.5 years and it will shortly be put on the market. He hasn’t contributed towards the mortgage since he left.

He has taken to going in when I’m at work without notice (he refuses to let me know) and taking things / being critical about any mess.

Makes me feel uneasy someone snooping around my things when I’m not there.

OP posts:
p1ppyL0ngstocking · 06/02/2024 16:04

It's also his house (presuming you're both on the deeds) so unfortunately you can't stop him entering, but I would put in some interior security cameras if I were you, so you can see what he's up to.

You could also set up some Home Alone style traps 😂

Headspinning09 · 07/02/2024 21:28

Change the locks, let him try to take court action if he wants to. It's no longer his home, he has no right to be there in your space

PancakeTuesdayiscoming · 07/02/2024 21:53

Set up a home security camera. Just in case…

Sandia1 · 07/02/2024 21:55

Tell him it makes you uncomfortable. He's not paying the mortgage so has no right to enter. Tell him you're putting cameras in the house/ are considering changing the locks. It's your space and he shouldn't be invading it.

BeckiWithAnI · 07/02/2024 22:00

Headspinning09 · 07/02/2024 21:28

Change the locks, let him try to take court action if he wants to. It's no longer his home, he has no right to be there in your space

Unfortunately this isn’t true. It is his house if not his home, he’s a joint owner. If OP changes the locks, ExH can simply have a locksmith out as he can prove he owns it.
If it’s going on the market soon then OP needs to try to just grin and bear it until then.
Nothing to stop OP setting up security cameras etc. but that may only rock the boat.
Best thing you can do is just make the sales process as swift as possible to get the house sold. Cut all ties and he has nothing over you.

Original poster
Nimbus1999 · 07/02/2024 22:00

I did but he says he doesn’t care as it is his house and he can do what he wants…. We have court in the next few months so maybe I’ll have to suck it up until then. Will make sure I hide personal stuff. Seems wrong that it is legal for him to do this.

OP posts:
Justleaveitblankthen · 07/02/2024 22:00

Why is he entering?
Some excuse about needing tools etc?

When you say he may be snooping, remember that hidden cameras or recording devices can be easily hidden and then retrieved on his next visit.

I would be very careful if you think he's the type.

Original poster
Nimbus1999 · 07/02/2024 22:03

My neighbour said he left with boxes so getting stuff he wants I guess. Also to criticise that the house was messy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nimbus1999 · 07/02/2024 22:03

He doesn’t tell me - just comes when he knows I’m out.

OP posts:
KillyTumble07 · 07/02/2024 22:11

I had to get a restraining order put in place when my exH did this. It was so creepy hearing him come in at 4am.

Fernticket · 07/02/2024 22:19

Get anything of yours that is important to you out of the house if possible,so that he can't take it out of spite. Also do it for your birth certificate, passport ect.

SandyY2K · 07/02/2024 22:26

Put a lock on your bedroom door at least.

Original poster
Nimbus1999 · 07/02/2024 22:33

KillyTumble07 · 07/02/2024 22:11

I had to get a restraining order put in place when my exH did this. It was so creepy hearing him come in at 4am.

That would totally freak me out someone coming in at 4am, no wonder you had to get a restraining order.

OP posts:
KillyTumble07 · 07/02/2024 22:59

Yep it was awful - we lived in a big house at the time and I couldn't pinpoint whether there was someone in or not at the time. I'm so pleased I took no shit from him even though I was utterly broken at the time. Hope you find peace - it does come eventually.

almostthere75 · 08/02/2024 00:01

How would you feel if HE changed the lock and you part owned the house but you had moved out to improve a difficult situation?
It is illegal by the way.

Original poster
Nimbus1999 · 08/02/2024 06:22

I’m not going to change the locks. Equally, out of respect I would give notice before entering and definitely not send a load of abusive texts criticising the other parent. Not my place to judge.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 08/02/2024 06:31

If he moans about the mess tell him to clean it then as it's half his

WhatsInANameDearBethany · 08/02/2024 06:42

You need to speak to a solicitor. Mine advised me that if he has somewhere to live and has the means to pay for it then it is not reasonable for him to have free access to the property once you have started divorce proceedings. You have a right to safe enjoyment of your home

Original poster
Nimbus1999 · 08/02/2024 07:06

WhatsInANameDearBethany · 08/02/2024 06:42

You need to speak to a solicitor. Mine advised me that if he has somewhere to live and has the means to pay for it then it is not reasonable for him to have free access to the property once you have started divorce proceedings. You have a right to safe enjoyment of your home

That gives me hope, thank you. That’s kind of how I feel - he has his own place for nearly 2 years, I’ve never been inside - he has had nothing to do with us or the house for years, I’ve paid for everything (including building work as it was left in a state). How can he now start coming in when I’m out. I guess I’ll how often it starts happening and then think what to do. The house sale process is very slow as he is taking ages to sign forms, return docs etc. No bother to him as he doesn’t pay the mortgage!

OP posts:
WhatsInANameDearBethany · 08/02/2024 07:08

I was in exactly the same boat. It was horrible and the relief when I finally sold the property was immense!

Good luck to you x

Fernticket · 08/02/2024 07:15

OP, my position was similar to yours in some ways. My solicitor told me I couldn't change the locks until he had collected all his stuff from the property as his name was still on the mortgage (although like yours he wasn't paying anything towards it). She pushed with his solicitor and got him to come and get his stuff in one go whilst I was in the house so he couldn't take anything of mine. Once he had I was able to change the locks. It was a horrible time as he walked in on me a couple of times and I couldn't do anything about it. It made me feel unsafe in my own home. I was also worried about him coming in when I wasn't there and possibly taking stuff of mine 'by mistake'.

ZippyLion · 08/02/2024 14:27

Have you looked into an occupation order? I'm not sure if it will be worth it if your house is likely to sell fairly soon. Many solicitors offer a free 30 minute consultation that it may be worth asking about one.

Findingmeagain · 13/02/2024 08:14

Going through a similar thing here except that ex is popping in the see the children or the dog while I'm not home which makes me feel uncomfortable. I haven't spoken to him about it as things are civil and I don't want to rock the boat, but I have spoken to the children (older teenagers) and they don't see the problem with it. This morning he came into the house to collect eldest for lift to work while I was upstairs in bed. Hasn't lived here 2 years and I am sole payer of mortgage but he still owns half so not sure where I stand. I am looking to sell. I know if I bring it up he won't take it well.

Newestname002 · 13/02/2024 10:52

Findingmeagain · 13/02/2024 08:14

Going through a similar thing here except that ex is popping in the see the children or the dog while I'm not home which makes me feel uncomfortable. I haven't spoken to him about it as things are civil and I don't want to rock the boat, but I have spoken to the children (older teenagers) and they don't see the problem with it. This morning he came into the house to collect eldest for lift to work while I was upstairs in bed. Hasn't lived here 2 years and I am sole payer of mortgage but he still owns half so not sure where I stand. I am looking to sell. I know if I bring it up he won't take it well.

As an interim measure, put a lock on your bedroom door and put everything you don't want him to have access to (your marriage and birth certificates and certificates for your children, all passports and anything which can be used for ID purposes, medical records, legal documents, personal or sentimental items etc locked in there. Maybe get filing cabinets if there's room enough in your bedroom and ensure those are locked or have a good solid cupboard with sturdy locks in another room which you keep locked unless you are actively using them. Ensure the key(s) are airways kept secured with you. 🌹

Iamnotawinp · 13/02/2024 11:30

I moved out of our joint owned marital home into a furnished letting. I took very little with me at the time.

In spite of my Stbxh saying I could pop back ‘any time I wanted’, the next time I went back I ‘mysteriously’ couldn’t get in any of the 3 exit doors I have keys for.

One door had a key left in the lock on the inside, the main front door had the latch in the locked position and my back door key no longer worked. I guess he changed the lock.

I understand that he didn’t want me in the house on my own, but why not say so? Actually I do know, he just likes to play games with me.

But I also didn’t want to be in the house on my own with him as he usually lost his temper the second I said something that he didn’t agree with or like.

A year on and a lot of my stuff is still there. It’s funny that even when a marriage/relationship ends, it’s still the men doing whatever they want.

Im pretty sure he’s got some keys to the property I’m in at the moment (long story), and the locks can’t be secured like in my marital home. I’ve bought a couple of internal cameras for when I’m out. They’re called TP Link and about £25 each and really easy to set up.