Husband Stay at home dad - custody

[Y2Kchristmas]

We're very much still working on our relationship but just wondering if anyone else had experience with this situation.

My husband has been a stay at home dad since I went back to work after maternity leave with my eldest. Two kids are 5 and 3.

I work full time and we also have a small joint income from investments. I'm pretty sure I could afford to buy him out of our family home but I suspect he would make it difficult.

Although I work long hours, I've always been flexible and fully involved with the kids. I do probably 25-30% or drop offs/pick ups, can't do clubs in the week but take them to stuff at weekends/if I have a day off, I do the parents evenings/any official appointments, we take it in turns for parties, majority of my weekends are spent doing family stuff. I've no idea of any of that even matters...

In the event if a split, I'd want at least 50/50 custody. Ideally I'd want 50/50 split of assets without me having to pay any maintenance/ongoing spousal support but I could live with having to pay him something - I can't live without my kids for more than half the time. But am I going to get screwed because I'm not the primary caregiver?

How are you going to manage 50:50? If you can't now what is going to change? And he will need an adjustment as well after not working for a few years.

Not being the primary caregiver doesn't equal I'm going to get screwed.

You need to start with what's in the DCs best interests, it's not actually about you I'm afraid.

I could get more flexibility at work, for example I could finish early a couple of days a week if I could work late other nights. My husband would definitely struggle to get back into work and find something flexible enough to work with 50/50 custody, which would be a worry.

Honestly the courts are keen on maintaining the studs who as that's what's best for the children. Their interests are all that matters.
As your husband is the primary caregiver then yes it is likely he would potentially be awarded more time with you having overnights and every other weekend etc if he opposed 50/50 for reasons that are in the children's best interest. One of my brothers who was a sahd was awarded 75% custody and spousal maintenance as he had given up his career to care for the children - it was deemed to be in the best interests of the children to keep things as constant and consistent as possible.
I don't say this to frighten you but it is a possibility.

I think you need to speak to a solicitor (your DH doesn’t have to know - it’s just to check your position). I’d be surprised if you got 50/50 bearing in mind the age of the children and the fact you would have to put them in childcare during the week if you had them on those days while your ex wouldn’t. Unless he would definitely need to get a full time job? That would definitely help.

If you did end up with them less than 50/50, how much would you have to pay in child support? Maybe plug in different numbers of days into the child support calculator. I suspect your ex’s starting point would be you having EOW (so 2 or 3 days in every 14) particularly if he could live on the child support for that custody split without going back to work.

Also, if a wife in his position was posting we’d be advising her to go for at least 60-40 of the matrimonial assets (if not higher) to reflect the child care responsibilities and career damage caused by being the SAHP.

Edited to say: we’d also be suggesting that a SAHM should try for a couple of years of spousal support while scaling her career back up. I assume with decent legal advice, your ex would at least ask for the same even if he didn’t ultimately get it. Bear in mind that if this all ends up in court rather than being agreed it could cost tens of thousands to reach an agreement.

Thank you for sharing, that is exactly what I'm worried about but I'd rather know the worst case if we go down that route.

Tbh it doesn’t necessarily sound like your oh is the primary care giver. When (generally) mums are awarded the majority and dads only get every other weekend, ime it’s because the mums have done literally everything. All the pick ups/drop offs/appointments/clubs/parties/activities etc etc. It sounds like that despite you working and him not, you’re still doing a large share of the childcare. It may be a bit of a red herring him not having a job, when you’re still doing a lot of school runs, all of the important appointments, half the parties and majority of weekends. I do think you need legal advice over this.

You need legal advice. You may need to change your working hours now , to establish the new normal.

Sorry I can't figure out how to quote...

@CrabbiesGingerBeer i will try that thank you, and yes i can guess how this would go if the genders were reversed and i was wondering if the courts had caught up in terms of gender equality - but good point about court costs too!

@Babadook76 thank you I feel like I do 50% outside of my working hours definitely, and am flexible within my working hours as well. Also my eldest is in school and the youngest is in preschool part time anyway - although admittedly school holidays would still potentially mean more external childcare when I was working.

To quote you need to click on the 3 dots on the post you want to quote and it’s in the drop down menu.

BTW, if you have a joint account or it’s likely you might want to show your bank statements to your DH for some reason (like remortgaging if you do stay together), if you aren’t sure about separating, I’d suggest paying cash or trying for a free half hour (though I’m not sure a solicitor will answer specific questions in a free appointment).

Seeing a spouse has sought divorce / custody advice while you are both working on the marriage is unlikely to go down well even though you would only have done it as a precaution.

You need to change your hours now whilst you're still together so you're doing 50% of the school runs and you need to be encouraging him to start work.

This is why I refused for my ex husband to become a STAHD

But if roles were reversed in this scenario you'd be looking at a split more in his favour since he gave up work to "further" your career and likely he'd get more custody time although courts prefer a 50/50 division. Depends what's best for your kids really

Start with what works for the children. And ask yourself why are you going for 50/50?

You mention flexible working, but can you afford to take the financial hit? You have long years of school holidays ahead. Remember taking time will in practice impact your career.

If your set up now relies on a sahp what needs of the children have changed? I find it interesting that there is always a 50/50 request by parents who were unable to do that when together.

You're screwed.

Can you wait it out until youngest is in school and DP goes back to work?

Honestly I wouldn't risk putting my children's future in the hands of a male biased court system.

You start by forgetting the word "custody" which is about possession of the children as if they are pawns.

The priority is what's in your children's best interests. It's sometimes in the children's best intetests to spend the majority of the time with a primary caregiver and just have Every other weekend plus one midweek night with the non resident parent but 50:50 arrangements can work too, especially if the rwo parents are sufficiently grownup to prioritise the kids wellbeing over acrimonious point-scoring and create an amicable setup, ideally where they live close enough to each other that the kids can easily walk between their two homes.

A 50:50 arrangement where there's tension and negativity at every handover and the kids constantly feel things are unstable and neithet house really feels like "home" is not in their best interests.

I would start be encouraging him back to work and you reducing your hours to look after the children. This may even save your marriage. If it doesn’t then at least you know you’ll be able to take on the responsibility of a 50:50 split.

A divorce is a big thing for the kids, would it really be in their interests to be in childcare in the holidays rather than their dad look after them? Given he would find it hard to get a job the court would presumably see that as because he has given up work prospects to facilitate your career. I don’t see any fruit in fighting him. Better to come to a fair amicable agreement.

50/50 is not an unlikely option in your case. As your youngest is already 3, your h if he becomes your ex will be expected to seek work anyway. If you can both work in jobs that allow you to jointly take care of your children that matters more, also you both need adequate housing from the settlement. At 50/50 then no maintenance is required

If at all possible try to go down the amicably coming to an arrangement or using a mediator - using solicitors and the courts should be a last resort because the only people who win are the solicitors, plus the resentment towards the other party will be far worse. A fair settlement is likely to be more for him

This. Change now so you can show courts you have adjusted working practices and now sharing care.

He will be expected to get a job to support himself, but there could be a transition period.
Start keeping a diary of all that you do, and possibly increase it if its not close the 50/50 you want.
Your main advantage in this situation is the quality of legal advice and representation you can afford on your salary which he cannot.

Sadly it's true that those (mostly men) with the deepest pockets can outspend (on legal fees) the spouses they are divorcing.

You should take legal advice but personally I would not suggest changing your working hours if that will have a negative impact on your earnings or career prospects. Being divorced is expensive - maintaining two homes costs more than one! If you can afford to buy your husband out of the family home do that so they can spend half the time there with you.

Your children are 5 and 3 and will both soon be in school, so it’s only after school care that you would need, two or three days a week if you’re 50/50. An after school nanny (eg a TA from their school) could do that in your home.

I have a very full on full time job and have my kids 50/50. I try to work more on days I don’t have them to the extent I can and catch up on weekends they are with their dad.

As long as you demonstrate your ability to have the children 50% of the time it will be agreed. Although be mindful that sometimes courts can decide that the child would be better with a parent than spending time with a child minder even if they are a close relative.

in terms of a 50% asset split this is unlikely if he has no career and is a low earner. He will get more because he is in a low income and probably doesn’t have a pension provision. He may even be able to secure a mesher order.

Thank you all for the advice. It's clearly not straightforward and I would need legal advice, but good to know that being an involved parent (and maybe being able to evidence that?) will help. Looks like I should be prepared for a 60/40 (or more) asset distribution as well.

@bluebonnets thanks, that is pretty much what I had in mind - it's a pretty full on full time job, but I could be flexible and finish early on some days and then work late on other days/at weekends when they were with their dad. But pretty difficult (and a bit odd) to start doing now. I also don't underestimate how exhausting and stressful it will likely be.

For those saying I should encourage him back to work - I've tried. It would be difficult for him to go back to the same industry due to unsociable hours, but I've suggested many times he could go back part time or think about re-training over the next couple of years ready for when the kids are both in school - as much for his mental health as anything else - but he's not interested. And it's difficult to push because we don't desperately need the money and it is easier from a family life perspective having one person who doesn't work.

I'm sorry if I came across wrong by using the word custody - I thought it went without saying that I want joint access because I love my children and I love spending time with them and vice versa. I grew up with separated parents and i hated it - and i feel horribly torn because the relationship isn't horrendous or anything. I also agree that keeping it amicable is a million times better for the kids, but given I'd be triggering it I just have a horrible feeling that he would be difficult.