Husband Stay at home dad - custody

[Y2Kchristmas]

We're very much still working on our relationship but just wondering if anyone else had experience with this situation.

My husband has been a stay at home dad since I went back to work after maternity leave with my eldest. Two kids are 5 and 3.

I work full time and we also have a small joint income from investments. I'm pretty sure I could afford to buy him out of our family home but I suspect he would make it difficult.

Although I work long hours, I've always been flexible and fully involved with the kids. I do probably 25-30% or drop offs/pick ups, can't do clubs in the week but take them to stuff at weekends/if I have a day off, I do the parents evenings/any official appointments, we take it in turns for parties, majority of my weekends are spent doing family stuff. I've no idea of any of that even matters...

In the event if a split, I'd want at least 50/50 custody. Ideally I'd want 50/50 split of assets without me having to pay any maintenance/ongoing spousal support but I could live with having to pay him something - I can't live without my kids for more than half the time. But am I going to get screwed because I'm not the primary caregiver?

I disagree with this. I'm getting divorced (not my choice). I was previously the primary caregiver though I do also work 4 days a week - but I did all the drop offs and pick ups, all the sick days, all the doctor appts, organised all the clubs, cooked all the meals, everything. My STBX just worked. On separation STBX decided 50/50 was the way to go. I didn't want this as it was not the status quo and I didn't think STBX could actually do it with their job. My lawyer's advice was that courts don't look backward at what has been, they look at whether the other parent is capable of servicing 50/50 shared care going forward. Often that involves radical changes to work patterns. If you can do that, then 50/50 will be the starting point.

On the spousal maintenance, I'd expect that if he hasn't worked for a few years, you'll have to pay SM for a period of time to enable him to get back into the workforce (which he will be expected to do). He may also get more than 50% of your assets, reflecting the fact that his income will be lower so his "needs" will be greater than yours.

I’d encourage him back o work. The pension age is potential increasing, living costs are continuing to rise in many cases, it’s very important he has his own career and I presume the youngest is at nursery or preschool a couple of days a week. It could take a few months for him to find something. But when he’s back at work you’ll be on a more even footing.

In terms of mentioning ‘custody’, while this is no longer the legal term in the UK, lots of people still use it. I know lawyers who use it in talking to clients because being sure their client understands them is more important than being pedantic (obviously they use correct terminology in court documents).

It was clear from your posts that you love your children - sadly there’s always one poster on threads like this who treats using the word ‘custody’ as some sort of bizarre ‘gotcha’ when it’s nothing of the sort - just commonly used terminology. Just be glad you weren’t told the issue ‘doesn’t exist’ because ‘there’s no such thing as custody in the UK’. I’ve seen that happen (even though it was obvious there was an issue and the mother was had a genuine concern about whether the children would live with her if the father wanted them to live with him full time).

Do you think Dad will oppose 50:50? My ex have always worked out child arrangements on our own and they have changes significantly as the children have gotten older and have been able to advocate for themselves.

My advice is stay out of the court system unless absolutely necessary. You will essentially have a stranger ruling over your children’s future. If you end up with a CAO it it hugely inflexible. From experience (DPs not mine) the court process destroys the co-parenting relationship and the subsequent animosity is incredibly harmful to the children.

Good luck OP. My DH never went back to work and is still a SAHD when the youngest is 16.

I would do all I could to encourage him back to work x

As far as I know, courts prefer 50/50 custody these days. It doesn’t matter that he was primary carer, you both have an equal right to spend time with your children. Plenty of mothers manage working full time and looking after their children with flexible working hours, childcare etc. This shouldn’t be a deal breaker.

If you had the children 50% of the time, this would give him more time to retrain / look for job.

The issue is I guess, he doesn’t have any earning capacity at the moment (perhaps not enough to fully support himself and the children). So there might have to be a period of transition? If it was 50/50 childcare arrangements, you would not have to pay child maintenance eventually.

Could you start doing more like 50/50 now to free him up to work?

Your relationship with the children should not suffer because he is not working. But it might take a bit of time.

My situation is not quite the same but I am also the main breadwinner whilst my husband only works 16 hours a week. I pay for everything (and do most things around the house, he only does the school run for our youngest most days) and he only pays for little food shops and most of his income goes to him.
I am also looking to separate, haven't filed yet. I paid for a two hour one off consultation with a solicitor to better understand my position and found this useful. I was told that I should be prepared for 70/30 split when it comes to equity and my husband may be entitled to some of my pension savings too. The solicitor also suggested mediation is the best, and least costly, way forward and provided me with names and contact details of a few mediators who also do child-led mediation as our eldest is a teenager and can have a say.

Good luck OP, it's going to be tough.

why dont you try going for mediation/counselling to work out whats best for all of you? 50% of time isn't necessarily 50% of quality relationship if you are pushing yourself to try and make the hours up at work , the best co parenting in split couples i've seen are where both couples are flexible. The needs of your kids now, who are very young ,are going to be totally different by secondary school. what did your OH plan to be doing once both kids are at primary, had you agreed that he would be SAHD til a certain age?

Depending on how much money/equity/pension is in the pot, it's often better to try to find an amicable split (even if that means paying out the other partner more than you'd like), because court is so expensive it can quickly eat up the difference. My BIL decided he'd rather the lawyers got it than give it to his ex wife, but that ultimately left them both with less (and made finances trickier for their kids).